Why Retroactive Jealousy And Insecurity In Relationships Go Hand In Hand

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
January 27, 2016
retroactive jealousy and insecurity in relationships

Retroactive Jealousy And Insecurity In Relationships

In this post I want to take a look at retroactive jealousy and the relationship it has with insecurity. Let’s start by imagine the following two scenarios:

Scenario A:

Matt has been dating Jenny for nearly two months. He’s resisted asking about her sexual past since they’ve been together, but then, one night, decides to go for it.

Matt finds out that Laura has slept with ten guys — seven boyfriends, and three one night stands.

That night when he goes to bed, his head fills with images of Jenny involved in some high octane sex with a stranger. To make matters worse, over the coming weeks Matt finds he can’t get the images of her three casual sex encounters out of his head.

In fact, the more he tries to block them out, the more persistent they become. In the end, Matt wishes he’d never asked Jenny a thing, and can’t shake the horrible sensation that his opinion of her has changed.

Scenario B:

Kevin has been with Laura for three months. He hasn’t avoided hearing about Laura’s sexual past, but then he hasn’t actively asked her about it either.

One night, Laura tells Kevin about her wild and crazy single days before they met. Kevin finds out that Laura has slept with thirty-two guys — four boyfriends, six sex-buddies, and twenty-two one night stands.

Kevin jokes about it with her and when he goes to bed that night, he sleeps like a baby. Next morning, their conversation about sex doesn’t even enter his head and he carries on his life as normal.

Why does Matt have such a wildly contrasting reaction to hearing about his girlfriend’s sexual past to Kevin? Especially when Kevin’s girlfriend has had comparatively less sex than his.

Both guys realize their girlfriend’s experiences are in the past. And both guys know that their girlfriends are never going to meet these ex-lovers again. So why the different reactions?

To Find Out, Let’s Dig A Little Deeper Into Matt And Kevin’s Lives…

Scenario C: 

Turns out Kevin gave a presentation at work last week in front of twelve people. He had a few jitters beforehand but was able to speak with confidence.

That same week he also went out to dinner with Laura and a big group of her friends, most of whom he’d never met. He got on great with everyone and was a big hit.

At the end of the night he stood up to propose a toast to “new friends” and when Laura next spoke to her friends, they all told her what a great catch Kevin is.

Scenario D: 

Matt also had to give a presentation at work last week, in front of four people. He spent days beforehand in a cold sweat and was unable to think of anything else. The presentation didn’t go down very well as he was so nervous he kept forgetting what to say.

That same week Jenny invited Matt to meet her friends at a barbecue. He made small talk with people but didn’t really open up or get to know anyone. When Jenny next spoke to her friends they all remarked on how reserved Matt seemed.


These are just hypothetical scenarios of course, but it’s quite clear that Kevin is the more confident of the two and that this plays some part in him not suffering from retroactive jealousy and insecurity in relationships.

Someone with Matt’s level of self-confidence, on the other hand, is far more likely to suffer from retroactive jealousy because he is yet to learn how to feel fully comfortable in his own skin.

Overall, Matt should probably learn how to deal with jealousy and insecurity before it causes future problems in his relationship with Jenny.

The truth is…

Retroactive Jealousy And Insecurity In Relationships Go Hand In Hand

I’m yet to find one person who’s afflicted by retroactive jealousy and is not in some way insecure in themselves.

However, I do hear from people sometimes who claim they’re not insecure at all, but are still deeply bothered by their partner’s sexual history.

They say that their jealousy instead comes from their taking the moral high ground and looking down on the choices their partner made.

They think that the kind of sex their partner had in the past was “disgusting” or that they “slept around too much,” and this is the only reason they suffer from retroactive jealousy.

To a certain extent, this may be true — retroactive jealousy is often associated with feelings of disgust and anger, but all of these sensations are firmly rooted in judgment. And this judgment does not appear by itself in a vacuum — it is a product of insecurity.

This is because all judgment is a manifestation of ego — an ego that lives in a constant state of fear and insecurity.

In order to rewire the mind to be less fearful, and release the grip of the ego, it is essential you take stock of your own self-confidence.

You may feel (like I did) that you’re pretty self confident and secure in the relationship, but maybe you should take a closer look…

Deep down, there may be something that is making you feel insecure. You may think things are fine now, but somewhere inside, you probably fear this won’t last.

Ask yourself, if you were 100% super confident in yourself would you feel the way you do?

Do you think George Clooney cares at all about who his partner once had sex with? Probably not. That’s because with a fully confident state of mind it’s virtually impossible to suffer from retroactive jealousy.

How To Stop Being Jealous And Insecure

In my book and course I detail exactly how you can overcome retroactive jealousy and insecurity in relationships step-by-step.

Sign up here to learn how to stop being jealous and insecure before it starts causing havoc in your relationship.


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