Retroactive Jealousy OCD: What It Is and How to Overcome It

Learn How to Stop the Vicious Cycle of Repetitive Thoughts Associated With Retrospective Jealousy Once and For All

Featured In
by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
February 25, 2018
retroactive jealousy OCD

Retroactive Jealousy OCD: What It Is and How to Overcome It

If you suffer from repetitive thoughts about your partner’s sexual or romantic history, you may have heard the phrase “retroactive jealousy OCD” bandied about.

In other words, retroactive jealousy as an “obsessive-compulsive disorder”. But maybe you’re not sure quite what it means or if you have it? Or, more importantly, how to overcome it if you do.

Often, to become distressed by retroactive jealousy, i.e. negative thoughts and emotions about a partner’s past means becoming utterly bewildered by what’s going on in your mind. And I suspect this is what’s brought you to this page.

This retroactive jealousy OCD post comes in 4 parts:

  • What is retroactive jealousy?
  • What is traditional OCD?
  • How traditional OCD relates to retroactive jealousy
  • A retroactive jealousy OCD treatment

Ready to get started? Good, then let’s kick off with a thorough definition of what retroactive jealousy OCD actually means, starting with “retroactive jealousy”.

(Full disclosure: This post includes affiliate links, meaning if you purchase via one of them I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you.)

Retroactive Jealousy OCD What Is Retroactive Jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy (sometimes known as retrograde jealousy, or retrospective jealousy) simply means an unhealthy interest in your partner’s sexual and/or romantic past.

While most people may feel jealous at some point or other about their partner’s past, it’s only passing jealousy. If, on the other hand, it spirals out of control to include obsessive, negative thoughts and emotions, resulting in negative actions, then it’s retroactive jealousy.

Retroactive jealousy can cause untold distress to the sufferer and damage to the relationship. In some cases even end it.

Negative Thoughts and Emotions Associated With Retroactive Jealousy:

  • Judgment. This usually concerns a partner’s sexual history and involves thinking they behaved “immorally” and like a “slut” in the past.
  • Fear. Often a knowledge of a partner’s “promiscuous” past leads subconsciously to a fear that they will repeat these actions in the present. In other words, there’s a fear of losing them.
  • Envy. A sufferer may have had less sexual experience than their partner, or dated fewer people, or not had as great a time at university. If their partner did, on the other hand, this can cause feelings of envy over opportunities missed.
  • Anger. The sufferer may feel angry when they think about their partner’s past, i.e. “Why did he date her?” “Why did she do that with him and not with me?” These kinds of emotions add much fuel to the retroactive jealousy fire.
  • Anxiety. Overall feelings of apprehension about a partner’s past may lead to anxiety attacks, in which the sufferer is completely overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions about the past.
  • Doubt. Past actions can make us doubt whether a partner is the “right fit” in the first place, i.e. “Do I really want to be with a guy who once had an affair with his best friend’s wife?” Or “How can I be with a girl who once had sex in a club with a guy she met ten minutes beforehand?”

There may well be other thoughts and emotions mixed in with your individual case of retroactive jealousy, but these are the main ones. RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY OCD

Resulting Negative Actions From Retroactive Jealousy Behaviors

  • Browsing. The confusion caused by this mix of emotions means many sufferers spend an inordinate amount of time each week browsing online forums and websites searching for a retroactive jealousy cure.
  • Snooping. A strong desire to find out more about a partner’s past can lead to violating their personal space, i.e. email accounts, social media profiles, cell phones, etc. A classic retroactive jealousy OCD behavior.
  • Arguing. Feelings of judgment and anger can often result in arguments as the retroactive jealousy sufferer quizzes a partner who doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong.
  • Dwelling. When jealous thoughts arise in the mind and jealous emotions arise in the body, a sufferer is often unable to step back and just shrug them off. Rather, they descend into a wormhole of overthinking, raking over and over what happened in their partner’s past.
  • Sniping. Sarcastic, passive/aggressive comments fired off at a partner about their romantic or sexual past may not lead to an argument every time, but can gradually undermine a relationship.

Negative thoughts and emotions about a partner’s past love life don’t necessarily have to result in these actions in order for someone to suffer from retroactive jealousy OCD, but they usually do.

What Is Traditional OCD?

Let’s take a look at what’s generally meant by the term “OCD” and then how it relates to retroactive jealousy OCD.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder in its classic definition is a mental state in which people are unable to control certain thoughts and behaviors. If you do any research on the subject, you’ll find that the condition usually relates to people who have obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, such as:

  • Washing hands repeatedly
  • Checking the front door’s locked
  • Thinking about harming oneself or others
  • Needing symmetry and orderliness
  • Thinking about contamination and disease
  • Avoiding cracks in the pavement

An obsessive thought is triggered by something, causing anxiety. Then the sufferer engages with a compulsive behavior in order to find temporary relief. And so the cycle begins again… retroactive jealousy ocd

The OCD cycle of obsessions and compulsions

Many people have negative, obsessive thoughts from time to time. A thought may occasionally pop in your head about driving your car into oncoming traffic, for example. Or thrusting an ice cream into a stranger’s face.

But what differentiates random negative thoughts from OCD is the compulsion to stop them from occurring and indulging in behaviors that offer temporary relief.

There is no known definitive cause for OCD, it affects men, women, and children and can significantly reduce a person’s quality of life.

A doctor will usually recommend someone with OCD sees a psychiatrist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Or they will prescribe a course of drugs to be taken by the patient. Or sometimes both.

Retroactive Jealousy OCD

How Traditional OCD Relates to Retroactive Jealousy OCD

The reason why retroactive jealousy is often labeled as being a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD, is because it shares many of the same attributes.

Retroactive Jealousy OCD and Obsessive Thoughts

In the case of retroactive jealousy, this usually involves the mind constantly flinging up images and “mini movies” of your partner together with another man or woman. Over and over and over again.

As the influential author of the book A New Earth and speaker Eckhart Tolle observes:

The repetitive thoughts seem to be controlling you, rather than the other way around.

Dealing with these repetitive thoughts becomes even harder when it’s clear that they’re not worth thinking about. They’re in the past, but that’s what makes them so painful because it’s obvious they shouldn’t matter. And yet they do…

A sufferer will typically try and force him or herself to stop, but this causes the mind to descend into a “don’t think about a pink elephant”-type war with itself.

As they say “resistance breeds persistence”—and as a result of trying to stop thinking about the past, repetitive thoughts about it are given even more power. The funny thing is, these repetitive thoughts are almost certainly not even accurate. They’re just manifestations within an insecure mind that doesn’t know what really happened but wants to assume the worst.

How do you know that they had such a great time in Paris? Or what the sex was like on that one-night-stand? Your mind wants to paint a picture of an insanely hot session involving your partner and their ex, or on an idyllic holiday of a lifetime with them, but the reality was maybe very different.

These kind of retroactive jealousy OCD, intrusive thoughts about the past can vary in consistency, from mild (several times a day), to extreme (a near-constant background hum.)

More on this later, but it’s safe to say that many retroactive jealousy sufferer’s repetitive thoughts can certainly be described as obsessive, and hence the term “retroactive jealousy OCD.”


Retroactive Jealousy OCD and Compulsive Behavior

These repetitive thoughts about the past lead to compulsive behaviors. In traditional OCD this often means continually washing hands or checking that the front door’s locked. But in retroactive jealousy, it means indulging in the behaviors previously described: browsing, snooping, arguing, dwelling and sniping.

In an attempt to reduce the anxiety caused by an obsessive thought, retroactive jealousy causes you to compulsively try to find relief, either through thinking things through/dwelling or “acting out”. Often, this phase involves both.

When I had retroactive jealousy OCD, I would become extremely anxious and angry at the thought of my girlfriend hooking-up with one of her sex-buddies. I used to spend hours every day ruminating in very specific detail on what exactly must have gone down:

Her texting him, him arriving at her apartment, having a few drinks, her on top of him, waking up next to each other in the morning, having sex again and on and on.

This dwelling was a compulsive behavior because I couldn’t stop myself and I did it constantly throughout the day. Along with other actions such as making sarcastic comments, snooping through her photos, scouring the internet how to get over retroactive jealousy OCD, and so on.

These compulsive behaviors may make you feel like you’re being productive and working/finding things out, but in actual fact, all you’re doing is feeding the monster.

Think of retroactive jealousy OCD as an alarm bell. It’s your brain telling yourself you’re in danger but, in reality, you’re not. By engaging with these compulsive behaviors, therefore, you’re attempting to keep yourself safe when the alarm goes off.

However, all this is doing is reinforcing the idea in your brain that you’re in danger.

Retroactive Jealousy OCD and Temporary Relief

After reading other people’s retroactive jealousy OCD stories on a forum, or snooping through a partner’s phone, some anxiety may be lifted. But it will only ever be a temporary lift.

Overall, the general effect of these compulsive actions is to simply keep the retroactive jealousy alive. Not only that but very often these compulsive behaviors can immediately make you feel worse.

This “thinking through” of scenes in your partner’s past is a way of trying to work things out in your head, but also of trying to reassure yourself.

To suffer from these compulsive thoughts and behaviors within retroactive jealousy OCD very often means feeling like you’ve lost control: of your mind, your actions, your relationship and, in extreme cases, your life. Your mind appears to be playing tricks on you, but there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do about it.

Is Retroactive Jealousy OCD Even an Appropriate Term?

While it may appear to be a slam dunk case—”Of course retroactive jealousy is a form of OCD”—it’s not as black and white as it may appear. For a start, the term Obsessive Compulsive Disorder itself is thrown around by many people without a full understanding of what it means.

In her book, Can’t Just Stop, Sharon Begley argues that there’s no such thing as being “a little OCD”. Just as you can’t be “a little pregnant”, someone either suffers from OCD or they don’t.

She writes that if a negative thought doesn’t cause someone as much distress as a gun being held to their child’s head, then it isn’t OCD.

I’m sure many people who suffer from retroactive jealousy wouldn’t technically be diagnosed by a doctor as suffering from OCD. But that’s fine.

Your life may be completely dominated by retroactive jealousy OCD, or you may be able to function perfectly normally. The most important factor is not how severe your retroactive jealousy is, but whether you want to end the intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors or not.

If you do, then there’s nothing wrong with saying you have a mild form of retroactive jealousy OCD and wanting to do something about it.

I would argue that the only reason why retroactive jealousy OCD isn’t officially recognized as a condition is because the research hasn’t yet been done on it.

Understanding Retroactive Jealousy OCD

As you may have already found out, there’s not much information out there on OCD as it relates to retroactive jealousy. Or on how to get over it.

The closest I’ve ever found OCD being equated to retroactive jealousy is in the context of intrusive sexual thoughts.

For example, some OCD sufferers find they can’t help thinking about sex in general, or committing sex acts on other people. The problem with thoughts like this (and with retroactive jealousy) is that they’re not as easily defined in a classical OCD sense.

OCD is usually defined as a compulsion to stop an obsessive thought about something bad happening. So, for example, someone who washes their hands 100 times a day is trying to prevent the spread of germs. Someone who checks the locks to their windows and doors 100 times a day is trying to stop being burgled, and so on.

Retroactive Jealousy OCD

Retroactive Jealousy OCD and Thoughts

Someone with traditional OCD intrusive sexual thoughts may, for example, repeat a mantra to themselves in order to suppress the thoughts. And this is because they think they need to stop themselves from committing a horrible act.

With retroactive jealousy OCD, things are a little more complicated, but understanding what’s going on in your head is an important first step when it comes to overcoming it.

With retroactive jealousy OCD, there’s no bad event such as catching a disease to stop. And there’s no despicable act that you need to stop yourself from committing. The obsessive thoughts are about events that happened (sometimes a very long time ago) in the past.

They’ve been and gone and so there’s nothing tangible, right here in the present to protect or battle against.

This is what makes retroactive jealousy OCD even more confusing to a sufferer than traditional OCD.

But the truth is, there are more similarities between traditional OCD intrusive thoughts and retroactive jealousy OCD-related thoughts than you may realize. While there may not be a tangible, conscious threat to guard against in the present, there is an intangible, subconscious one. And that’s the threat of losing your partner.

Retroactive Jealousy OCD and the Threat of Losing Your Partner

The knowledge that they were once madly in love with someone else, or had casual sex with random people in the past, has triggered a subconscious fear that there are “better” people than you out there. Your brain’s primeval reasoning is that:

  • If they once loved or had casual sex with someone else in the past, could they do it again in the present?
  • If they behaved immorally in the past, are they really right for me?
  • If they had such a great time in the past, am I living up to it in the present?

And so on… In short, these people in your partner’s past take on a symbolic meaning of being special, better than you, and therefore a threat.

“If these people were better than me, then there must be other people out there right now who are better than me and who he or she could leave me for”.

The truth is you’re not really worried about these specific people or behaviors in your partner’s past. You’re worried about what they represent right now, in the present. Realizing this is the first step to overcoming retroactive jealousy OCD.


Retroactive Jealousy OCD Treatment

Here’s what happens during the vicious cycle of traditional OCD:

  1. Obsessive thought
  2. Anxiety
  3. Compulsive behavior (in an effort to reduce the anxiety)
  4. Temporary relief
  5. Obsessive thought

And here is the same cycle as applied to retroactive jealousy OCD:

  1. Obsessive thought about partner’s past
  2. Anxiety and other emotions such as judgment, envy, anger, etc.
  3. Compulsive behavior, such as dwelling, snooping, arguing, etc.
  4. Temporary relief
  5. Obsessive thought about partner’s past

A common treatment for traditional OCD is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). It works by breaking the cycle of Obsessive thought > Anxiety > Compulsive behavior with a Response Prevention.

Here’s a quick breakdown of what this involves in regular OCD therapy:

  • Exposure. An obsessive thought is triggered that causes anxiety. For example, by leaving the house without checking that the gas is turned off.
  • Response Prevention. Once this anxiety has been triggered, a Response Prevention simply involves making the choice to not engage with a compulsive behavior. i.e. continuing to the car and driving off without going back to check on the stove.

ERP requires the sufferer to resist the urge to give in to compulsive behaviors, face their fears and get on with their normal routine. While this may be painful at first, it’s generally successful.

Indeed, the American Psychiatric Association believes ERP is the best form of OCD treatment as it has the most abundant empirical support. And the good thing is that this exact same method can be applied to retroactive jealousy OCD.

How ERP Can Be Applied to Retroactive Jealousy OCD

This technique simply means noticing your jealousy when it arises, acknowledging it, and then getting on with your day without indulging in the compulsive behavior that usually brings temporary relief.

  • Obsessive thought. Her having sex with THAT guy at a party >>
  • Anxiety. Try to step outside of your head and witness yourself being anxious rather than engage with it. Detach yourself from the thoughts and emotions and feel them as merely a collection of misfiring neurons in your brain and chemical responses in your body >>
  • Response Prevention. Resist the urge to engage with your anxiety and indulge in a compulsive behavior as you normally would by: dwelling on the past event, playing it over in your mind, making a sarcastic comment, searching the web for “retroactive jealousy OCD”, snooping, etc. Instead carry on with whatever you were doing before the thought arose: getting dressed, tidying up, watching a movie, etc.

Your retroactive jealousy OCD may be triggered by, say, going to a bar you know your partner met their ex in. Or it may not need a trigger—it’s just always there in the forefront of your mind. Either way, try carrying out ERP as normal and don’t give up if it doesn’t seem to work at first—this takes practice! RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY OCD

Have a Go at Applying ERP to Your Retroactive Jealousy OCD Right Now

  • Trigger. Close your eyes and think about your partner’s past. Dwell on that one moment that burns you up the most, as hard as this may be.
  • Anxiety. Feel how these negative thoughts in the head translate into negative emotions in the body. Can you feel your chest tighten? Your heart beat faster? Or your forehead pound? Feels horrible doesn’t it? Well, that’s the power of thought. Or is it? Just how “powerful” can a thought be? The truth is, you may feel like these obsessive thoughts and emotions are never-ending and unbreakable, but they aren’t. Thoughts are just that: thoughts. Which means that they’re impermanent. They come and they go.
  • Response Prevention. Now watch this four-minute video. Was your mind still on your partner’s past while you were watching it? No. And that’s because retroactive jealousy OCD is always a fleeting state of mind. And the more you’re able to ignore them and get on with your day, the quicker they’ll start to lose their so-called power of you.

It’s your resistance to these thoughts about your partner’s past at the moment that’s giving your retroactive jealousy OCD it’s so-called strength. You may be snooping through your partner’s private belongings, dwelling on their past and digging around the Internet looking for answers, but these compulsive behaviors are impermanent too.

You’re indulging in these actions right now because you’re dwelling on negative thoughts and emotions about the past. But you won’t be forever.

In a week, month, or even six months time, you may well not be engaging with your retroactive jealousy OCD anymore. When you fail and give in to the obsessive thought by indulging in compulsive behavior (and you will), don’t worry. Don’t beat yourself up over it and think you’re a failure who’ll never beat retroactive jealousy OCD.

As I said, it takes practice and time to train your mind to witness obsessive thoughts and anxiety rather than giving in to them. If you need more help in learning how to stop retroactive jealousy OCD symptoms, click on the button below to purchase my book The Ultimate Retroactive Jealousy Cure: How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past in 12 Steps. Retroactive Jealousy OCD




Do you suffer from retroactive jealousy OCD? Do you have constant repetitive thoughts and images about your partner’s past whirring around your head? If so what are they like? Photos? Movies? Or if you’re successfully dealing with retroactive jealousy, I’d love to hear about it. I’ll answer any questions you have about retroactive jealousy OCD in the comments section below.

  1. Felisa says:

    Hello there:
    I have been suffering with this rj ocd thing for a while now. I need help. I am tired of being in pain everyday…. my heart aches…

    1. Hey Felisa,

      Send me an email and I’ll see what I can do.

      1. John D says:

        I’ve been suffering from this since I met the women I’m with now. She’s 16 years younger than me and I feel like an idiot for being consumed by her past. She loves me I know this but my mind keeps playing her “movies” over and over in my head. I can’t make it stop and I’m afraid I’m going to destroy this relationship.

    2. Renee says:


      My boyfriend and I were dating 9 months. He asked about my past and acted like it didn’t bother him and then come to find out he was asking because he needed to know but it ate him alive after that. He is the one we are madly in love both of us this break up has been the worst for both of us. He’s 30 and I am 25 and he is also unhappy with his job (trying to get a new one), unhappy with not being able to sleep because of his thoughts and just said he can’t be happy no matter what. One of the biggest things that come with his unhappiness is my past eating him alive. He broke up with me and he thinks he will never be able to get over my past so he doesn’t think he will be back. He said he’s so sick of this and is just going to detach and try to move on so he can find someone that doesn’t come with this background but he is so in love with me he doesn’t want to bring me down with him and he doesn’t want to live unhappy because of this. He struggled with this is an older relationship of his as well and tried a therapist and it didn’t work. He won’t open up to anyone but me about any of this. He’s so ashamed of it. I don’t know what to do next. Will taking a month off of space benefit us? I ordered your book and I was going to read it and then maybe give it to him. Do you have advice for me?

      Thanks so much

      1. Dalton says:

        I suffer HORRIFICALLY from this!! My gf of over 8 years thought that it’d be a good idea to brag about her sexual partners when we first got together, even went as far as getting her high school yearbook out to point out and show me the guys she’d fucked. Supposedly, she had done that to intentionally make me jealous to “want her more”. It did NOT work. Instead it ate me the fuck up for years. It would be the very first thing that I thought of when I woke up and the last thing that I thought of going to bed. All day EVERY DAY. It caused many fights and near break-ups. I literally obsessed and dwelled on it CONSTANTLY. My mind never received a break. Then at about the 5 and a half year mark it finally went away. I was so relieved, even on the rare occasion that it did pop into my head, it didn’t upset me nearly as bad, and I’d be able to drop it altogether within a few minutes. I was finally at peace. Or so I I thought.. Because for some God knows reason, starting approximately 6 months ago it stared coming back out of nowhere. I seriously don’t get it… She has done nothing for me to suspect her of any wrong doing, and she is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me by a long shot. We have a 6 year old boy together, my life would literally be PERFECT if I could just shake this feeling again. I no longer bother starting fights about it, and when she notices that I am visibly upset, I just lie and say that I’m fine or just tired or something. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused by this because I love her so much that it hurts, but yet the rage I feel from this RJ makes it hard for me to even be able to look at her.. And why, after all these years did it suddenly come back?? I need help with this. It eats me up and tries it’s best to ruin my life, but I try fighting so hard to suppress it, but it just doesn’t work. Sorry about the rant…

        1. Chris says:

          I have suffered with this before, I didn’t know how common it was.

          It kind of helps to know I’m not the only one.

          I have had a very busy past and sex life…. My current girlfriend, who we have been on and off for 2.5 years is amazing.

          I know how much she loves me and I love her…. But this RJ has caused me to end the relationship at least twice and nearly did again last week and in some spectacular fashion too….

          I know I suffer from this, so anyone I’ve ever met (and who I like), I make it clear that I am not interested in specific detail later of their past.

          I know we all have a past, I just think that somethings should be kept to yourself.

          My problem is that in the very early stages she told me that she once dated someone famous…. I made it clear I want interested and ended that line of conversation there and then, hoping that would be the end of it.

          We then started to date properly, one day whilst watching TV…. She said ‘you know I told you I dated someone famous – it was him’

          She was maybe 17 he was a little older, she’s now 40…. So it was a long time ago….

          The problem is, this fucking guy is pretty famous now and is always on the bloody tv….

          So I’m trying to distract myself, focus on other things, not snooping etc and trying to focus on us, and the future we could have…..

          I feel like I get on top of it and then he pops up and my thoughts start again.

          We obviously argue now, She says ‘it was a long time ago and in fact was nothing special’ but my point is that’s even more of a reason that I shouldn’t know. It should have just been her little secret, the type we all have and keep to ourselves.

          The anxiety and stress these thoughts cause are so bad, the pain is so deep. It’s actually easier to end the relationship, despite the fact she’s beautiful and we do love each other….

          Had she just kept that to herself, we’d be perfect….. I’m giving this one last chance as I know more now, reading other posts that are similar etc, even knowing there is a name for it.

    3. Josh says:

      Hey – I’ve been suffering from this for a few months now, much more recently as I’ve learned new information about my girlfriend’s past. Could you send me your email so I can ask about it? I would appreciate it a lot.

      1. Tanya Avery says:

        My husband was diagnosed with retroactive-jealousy-ocd recently. He is in counselling, and it is working. Our relationship is mending, and he is a changed man. I love him for it.

        However, I felt compelled to write something because although your site and others talk about the affect this condition has on the person who is suffering the effects of retroactive-jealousy-ocd, the distress and anxiety it causes them there is nothing about the victim. You may think the word victim is harsh, but it really isn’t. I have been abused for many years with a very negative impact on me. I was suffering with anxiety and was very distress a lot of the time. Every time my husband went out with his friends, also at other times but this is just an example. I never knew who would be walking back in the door. The rational man or the irrational man. If was the irrational man, I would be put through hell over the next few hours. My mental health was suffering greatly, I could not understand why this man who said he loved me than I would ever know could act in this way.

        I have a lot of healing to do myself but with the new support of my husband we are both getting there.

        Thank you to all those sites and forums that he found that showed him where and how to get help.

        Please never forget there are 2 people suffering not just one.

    4. Kim D. says:

      Commenting since I’m at work.

    5. Tommy says:

      Hi, I think I’m also experiencing rj ocd, although at a young age I still don’t want to feel this feeling, cuz it’s getting in the way with my thoughts, emotions, and my time to do other things, because I’m constantly overthinking everything. I can’t buy the book cuz then people will know and find out, maybe an email could help. I’m not sure, but if there is anything that would be nice. This page was really helpful tho and I have more insight on what I’m going through, so thank you.

  2. marcela says:

    Hello I desperately need your help and don’t want my relationship to end. I need to control this and want it to stop :'(

    1. Hey, hang in there! Retroactive jealousy CAN be defeated, you just need to be systematic in your approach to beating it. Have you taken a look at my book? I describe exactly what to do to get over it in there.
      All the best,

    2. Hey Marcela,

      Have you taken a look at my book “How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps”? I’ve had hundreds of people thank me for helping them get over this condition after reading the book, and maybe you could be next : )


  3. Armand says:

    I had this retrospective jealosy before with a partner of 8 years, after the 2nd year i really didnt think much about it. I went to therapy and talked with a nice therapists who essentially allowed me over come the issue (not sure why, though) Now, after several years and relationships, I find myself in the same situation. I have a beautiful girl, which i think is the one, and although her background is not as “active” as mine, I feel threatened about her exbf and that one night stand few years ago.. It just drives me mad and ruins most of my time.. coz i want to bring the topic.. and somehow, make her feel bad about that. I dont do it off course, but i feel the strong need. I also have seen how my sexual performance is being slowly been affected.. even erections are being affected.
    I really need some help

    1. Hey Armd, thanks for reaching out! This is exactly the kind of stuff — feelings of fear and judgement — that I help people overcome with my book How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps.

      Hang in there buddy.
      — Jeff

  4. Sue says:

    It’s good to know I’m not alone with this issue… but it’s still so damn hard for me to cope with it without visiting a therapist. It never actually matters what I keep telling myself. It’s always there… , I can be perfectly fine for days, but then BAM! Out of the blue I get these awful images, thoughts, I can be angry, sad and depressed for hours or days. I end up putting it on my partner and then feel even worse about it.
    Sometimes I’m really scared of ruining my relationship with him…

    1. Hi Sue, yes retroactive jealousy definitely comes in ebbs and flows. Feel free to drop me a line if you want to chat.

  5. Elf says:

    I have a 2 year relationship with my GF, (I am 38, she is 33). We did not know eachother until we started dating but we basically know the same people or “social circle”, (its strange that we did not meet in the past but probably saw eachother many times). The issue for me started when I realized my GF does not initiate intimacy with me (99.9% of times it is I that initiates). I am a very sexual person, but only like to have sex with my Significant Other, and have never cheated on any relationship. I do need it daily, maybe even more than once, but I need it with her.

    After that, my GF started to make me feel like she did not want/need sex as often, and that it was sort of a chore, so some of my initiations were refused. I always try to make sex enjoyable for her, sometimes rough, sometimes lovingly, playing all the cards and actually LEARNING what she likes. This led to me letting my imagination run with thoughts of her past, and to start actually finding out about it. She has not been very open about her past, volunteering only bits of information and staying quiet when I probe the subject intelligently, as if speaking of someone we both know or some situation I know is alike one she was in. As I said, knowing the same circle of people actually made finding out about her past very easy… I did not openly ask, but rather put 2 and 2 together on some occasions. I found out she even slept with a married guy whose wife lived abroad, and also a guy with a 6 year girlfriend whom she knew.

    My estimate is, regrettably, that she has had over 25 past sex partners… Some of them I know well, some of them are acquaintances at best. Her “number” does not bother me as much as the fact that she has only had 7 steady relationships prior to me, so if her number was 10, I would have no issues with it. The problem for me is that I keep having to work my ass off for sex with her, having to plan it, seek it, make it happen as if it were a chore for her, and in the back of my mind I have the knowledge that she easily gave it up to around 20 guys that meant nothing to her… even married guys, guys with gf’s, of whom she KNEW there would be no future by screwing, so she basically screwed them out of lust (which is what she is not showing with me). She has said that for the first time in her life she is “at peace” in a relationship, that I am a source of “control” and “steadiness”. To be honest, I’d much rather be called a bastard and a stud, among other things, than that… it hurts my ego to think that she may not be attracted to me as much as she was to those other guys she slept with (I’ve told her without nagging that should she not find me attractive we should call it quits, but that I need initiation, upon which she does initiate a couple of times and then goes back to normal).

    Also, after 4 months of dating, she told me she was super-surprised to find out she has HPV, (which of course I probably already have too from sleeping with her)… I do not know if she feigned surprise or if she knew she had it beforehand, but I do know that one of those past guys gave it to her, and thus, to me. I was very supportive of it and even told her not to worry about giving it to me, but now, it just adds to the mess in my head and pisses me off more.

    She speaks of marriage a lot, and I’ve thought about it (she spends 6 days of the week with me at my place, the other day at her parent’s). She is a great woman and I love her, but I cannot lie to myself about the fact that after my divorce, I would never stay with a woman that did not appreciate me completely (especially sexually). I am a good provider, I live on my own and work a lot to have financial stability, am a good father, am a good lover, (she orgasms first every time, or fakes it very well), I am in shape, practice sports regularly, am well endowed (since that may be a comment some idiot comes back with), and I am loyal to a fault. It pisses me off that she would be “all tapped out” on the sex department from screwing around like crazy with guys that never valued her, (most of them are now married and with kids, and none of them chose her for that), and she would not be completely adventurous and open about sexuality with me, who promise to take care of her in every possible way.

    I sometimes have to go places where I KNOW there are guys that she slept with and to be honest I’ve had to control myself to not be a complete a..hole with these guys… (even stop myself from jumping on them… I am a 4th dan karateka, having practiced for 25 years, and am quick to lose my temper from disrespect), some of them I like as people, some of them I cannot even say hi to.

    The fact is these feelings and images and facts about her past haunt me… I am trying to be smart about it and even a little hypocritical, whenever I feel like calling her out on the no-sex-tonight bullshit, I play extra-nice and act like I am completely crazy, cuddling, making her dinner, etc… in my reasoning, that way I do not show insecurity (which is a vicious cycle of unatractiveness that leads to more insecurity, I know this from my divorce). I know you will probably tell me to buy the book, and I probably will, but the post is really more about feeling great for finding this information, knowing I am not alone in this, and getting a bit of insight (maybe even free insight) into my situation.

    I will not marry her until I resolve this issue, thats for sure.

    Thanks for any insight.


    1. Sorry to hear you’re suffering, shoot me a message and I’ll see how I can help.

    2. Patrick says:

      Mate you have hit the nail on the head for exactly how I feel. How could she give it up so freely to a bunch of pricks who didn’t give a shit about her and all they had to do was buy her a drink and in some cases probably not even that. To me my wifes number does bother me now. It never used to but now it does. When we first started seeing each other, about 14 years ago, we had the whole “how many people have you slept with” talk. I said I could count the number of people on two hands and then she grimaced and said her number was a lot higher, around 50, which means probably more like 70 as girls always try and make their number smaller. at the time that disgusted me a little but i moved on. fast forward years later and she tells me about a threesome with two guys and then it all came flooding back especially since it was during a period where we had not had sex for about 6 months, which occurs quite often now. we used to have sex once a week, which I was happy with and had accepted but now it’s more like once every 5-6 weeks if I am lucky. so yeah i think of her as a huge hypocrite because she let probably 60 odd strangers put their dicks in her without having to jump through any hoops. sick of feeling like this so feel your pain.

  6. Rocky says:

    I can’t believe there is a name for what I’m going through! I really need to get rid of this retroactive jealousy. it ruins my life!!

    1. Send me an email at jeff [at] retroactive jealousy crusher [dot] com and let’s chat. Jeff

  7. Guy says:

    Does your book come as a hard copy?

  8. Una says:

    You’re showing me the way Jeff! Best wishes from Vancouver!

  9. Mitchell says:

    I’m not sure if “retroactive jealousy OCD” is actually OCD.Much more work needs to be done in this field.

  10. Carl says:

    I love reading these comments, so many people whining about shit that doesn’t matter any more. Get over yourselves.

  11. Michael says:

    Thank you for such an informative site. You’ve opened my eyes Jeff. I realize now this isn’t about her past friendswithbenefits but about me. It’s MY reaction to these events not the events themselves.

  12. Edward says:

    LOVE this post Jeff, you’ve helped me already.

  13. James says:

    I’m trying to cut down on the sarcastic comments and starting arguments with my girl. It’s hard though when she’s still in touch with her ex f-buddies on facebook. She even meets one of them for coffee about once a month and it makes me sick.

  14. David says:

    I have this!

  15. Zoe says:

    So great to finally find a post on ocd that’s not just about washing hands and straightening out edges! Retroactive jealousy is a form of ocd and I can’t thank you enough for this post Jeff. I will be purchasing one of your products soon. xxx

  16. Donna says:

    I’m very confident that I will get over this.

  17. Iggy says:

    Hi, I read your blogs on retro jealousy regularly. Your humoristic style is awesome, keep doing what you’re doing!

  18. Howdy says:

    You’ve hit the nail on the head. I can’t thank you enough.

  19. James says:

    I have RJ OCD real bad but now I feel more like I know what to do. Thanks Jeff

  20. Jim says:

    I just want to loose these feelings. How do I do that?

  21. Carneiro Junior says:

    I have read so many articles on retroactive jealosy but this post is in fact a nice post, keep it up.

  22. Diego says:

    When I close my eyes he’s there. When I open them he’s there. Her ex fuck buddy staring at me. Feels almost like I’m gay I think about this guy so fucking much.

  23. Carla says:

    My husband hates everyone I once kissed let alone slept with and its tearing us apart 🙁

  24. Mel says:

    Hello! I just would like to offer you a big thumbs up for your great information on RJ!

  25. Manny says:

    Found your YouTube channel and your right, listening to those feelgood tracks every day really helps! Cheers!!

  26. Ursula says:

    Have you ever considered retroactive jealousy ocd might not be ocd? I work in mental health and most people who think they have ocd don’t in fact have ocd. It’s a rare condition so most people assume they have it when they don’t.

  27. Wilbur says:

    One thousand thank you’s Jeff!! You’re one in a million.

  28. Gary says:

    I’ve just been looking for information about retroactive jealousy for ages and yours is the best I have came
    upon till now. Good work!!!

  29. Joseph says:

    OCD is the best term for this thing because I have zero control over it. The thoughts just pop in my head constantly all day long. It’s torture.

  30. Mike says:

    What’s the longest a client has suffered from RJ in your experience Jeff? Mine has been going on now for 8 years.

  31. Zach says:

    How do I get over this??????? So sick of it.

  32. Juliane says:

    To anyone still struggling with retroactive jealousy I wholeheartedly recommend Jeff’s book. It’s essential reading if you havent already.

  33. Wu says:

    It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’m loving this Jeff. Helped me so much. Thanks!!!!

  34. Sam says:

    My mind can’t take this anymore 🙁

  35. Jane says:

    So refreshing to read about OCD in the context of retroactive jealousy and not just about straightening edges and washing hands 100 times a day. Thank you Jeff, you’re a star!

  36. Tom says:

    Some days I;m doing okay and then the next I’ll be right back to to square 1 thinking about this shit going round and round my head 247.

  37. Henrietta says:

    i find myself hating my boyfriend thinking about all he’s done in the past. The women he’s had sex with and still holds a soft place in his heart for all of them. He’s in contact with quite a few of his exs and f*** buddies as well which really hurts me but he doesn’t seem to care. He refuses to delete them from his life and whenever I bring it up he just gets all defensive. So tired of feeling like this.

  38. Nick says:

    Show me how to get over this. I will pay you as much as you want.

  39. Johnny says:

    Just leave the skank if you can’t handle her past. Simples.

  40. Toby says:

    I couldn’t agree more with what you say about RJ. It’s important to make some time to be happy.We don’t do that enough I don’t think in life.

  41. Graham says:

    I feel there’s a light at the end of the tunnel…

  42. Peter says:

    Images of my girlfriend with her ex fuck buddy continually in my mind. Like always, How do I get rid? please help.

  43. Paul says:

    This RJ issue really separates the men from the boys doesn’t it? I mean what guy is going to put up wiht the fact his girl once got spit-roasted byh two football players at once? Or took it up the arse on a first date? Just to disgusting really to even contemplate.

  44. Nola G says:

    Big thumbs up. Thanks so much Jeff!!

  45. Nu Boi says:

    So what are we meant to do?its like an on going thing every day or week it just pops into my head even things that I know don’t matter,I just can’t seem too accept?

  46. Jimmi says:

    When will this pain end? My mind is stuck on a one track groove. And it aint funky.

  47. Sammy says:

    My girlfriend has slept with both guys and girls in her past. Will your course help me with that, bi-sexual events in her past?

  48. Sarah B says:

    Thx xx

  49. Jimmi Nu says:

    I don’t know where I’d be without this site. Big thank you to you Jeff. Keep up the stellar work! Peace.

  50. Glago says:

    I’m afraid my rj will destroy my relationship. She’s such a beautiful loveing kind girl but I can not move past her 3some with two black guys and keep torturing her over it. I’m in hell.

  51. Announamus says:

    I NEED HELP! My boyfriend has RJ OCD, (which I didn’t know until just over a week ago). He started off by questioning me about my past, who has I thought he wanted to know (we have never spoke about our past to each other.. well I haven’t, his ex was in our lives at the start of our relationship which obviously bothered me but I tried to not let it get to me). So he was questioning me so I told him about my 2 previous long term relationships, the last one was over 4 years before I even met my current boyfriend. If I had known about this RJ OCD I would not have told him about my past, but there’s nothing I can do now, he knows and that’s that. He can’t seem to move on from it, and I’m trying my best but I shouldn’t feel so shameful and disgusted in myself for having 2 long term relationships should I? It’s breaking us and I don’t want that to happen. My last relationship was horrid, he made me feel so disgusted in myself for not being a virgin and that’s why it ended. Now I feel like I’m in the same situation.. bad luck or what? I can’t talk to my friends and family about this because I know they will think bad of my boyfriend and want me to come home (I live away because I WAS A student) I feel physical, emotional and mentally drained from this, and so hurt for the namesame he has called me. I’m still here and trying but it’s so painful. I need help for him, I don’t know what to do, it would be so much easier and less painful if I was to leave the love of my life instead of staying. I don’t want to leave him though. He needs help and I’m writing here because I need help to help him (and just to tell someone). Please help us, I can’t live like this much longer.

    1. Drop me a line at jeff [at] retroactivejealousycrusher [dot] com and let’s chat.

  52. Glacier says:

    Thanks for writing this Jeff. It really helps.

  53. Neil says:

    I definitely agree with your points. I think I need to get over the RJ first, because it is something I definitely suffer from, and breaking up with her now would leave me with RJ AND a broken heart! When I overcome RJ then I will be able to think about my needs as a man with a clearer mind.

  54. FFS says:

    the problem is VERY persistent and deeply rooted in something. I’m 43 years old and I’m amazed I have this problem as intensely as I do. The ability to think “those” thoughts (or inability to stop “those” thoughts) as often as I do is shocking! I’m fighting the good fight and hoping that this battle is ultimately winnable.

  55. Thiago says:

    My gf’s past keeps popping in my head, like constantly all day every day. What can I do??

  56. Sarah says:

    I came across your Retroactive Jealousy OCD website and just wanted to say thank you 🙂

  57. Chazzy Chaz says:

    You’re a legend Jeff. Thank you so much for creating this site and putting all this info out there. I’d buy you a beer if I could.

  58. Dannielle says:

    Do you offer emergency coaching Jeff? I am will to pay extra.

  59. Patrick says:

    I have been suffering from RJ for quiet some time now, probably 2-3 years but I didn’t know that was what it was until just recently. My wife of 8 years had slept with around 60 guys before we met and had a threesome too. She suffers from bulimia so I think her promiscuity stems from that and a need to be accepted but still that doesn’t make it easier to accept. We go through sex droughts often and when they happen my RJ seems to peak because I go through all the “you gave your pussy up to all those pricks who didn’t even love or give a shit about you but you wont have sex with me, YOUR HUSBAND!” bullshit and that makes things worse. I keep lashing out at her and throwing it in her face because I can’t deal with the rejection so I get angry and want her to feel some of my pain. I am hoping I can get some answers here as I am at my wits end!

    1. Hi Patrick, feel free to reach out any time. You can beat this thing, trust me.

  60. Edgar says:

    my brain hurts thinking about this bullshit all the time . even reading this post doesn’t help, i’m lost.

    1. Drop me a line, Edgar, and we can discuss options.

  61. Johannes says:

    Are there any books I can read on how to get over retroactive jealousy?

    1. Yes! You can purchase my book on overcoming retroactive jealousy here:

    2. Jono says:

      This is killing me. I’m full with adrenaline all day and night.

  62. Harvey W. says:

    Say goodbye to the slut and get yourself a girl who hasn’t slept with half the town already.

    1. That’s one way of looking at it, Harvey. Some people want to make their relationships work, though. And there’s nothing technically “wrong” with a girl’s past if she was single and just having fun.

  63. Serge says:

    I feel like my battle with RJ could be the defining moment of my life. Once I get over this and I know I will with your help Jeff, I will be a new man. Nothing will stop me!

    1. Sounds good, Serge, I’m sure you’ll get there!

  64. Caitlin says:

    I want to get over this stupid jealousy in my head ASAP but don’t know where to start.

    1. Hi Caitlin – drop me a line and we can discuss how to move forward.

  65. Catherine says:

    I’m gonna get help for my boyfriend. Now that I know what he’s suffering from I think I can help him. He can’t forget my sexual past and it gets so bad that I’m not sure I can stay any longer if he doesn’t accept help.

    1. Hang in there, Catherine. I hope he does try to get better.

  66. Daniel says:

    I have recurring thoughts of my wife’s past. We’ve been married for almost 16 years and have four children. She is six years older than me. I only lost my virginity some 8 month before we met to single night relationship, thinking that at age 22 it was about time. Not the ideal situation, but I was getting a bit desperate.

    She on the other hand have had an active sex life for more than a decade before we met. There a many small thing nagging me. She didn’t want to sleep with me as soon as previous some boyfriends because she didn’t want to “ruin” it. Also sometime she made a comment slip of some kinky sex she had. That could have been fine, but lots of what she tried previously she wont do with me, because “she tried it, and didn’t like it so much”. But I haven’t tried it. I don’t know if I like it. It pains me that she did stuff that I don’t know, and can’t ever know.

    I feel so infinitely insecure because almost the entirety of my sexual and romantic history is with her. She had more than a decade before me. I have never had a f***-buddy, she has. I have never had a kinky chocolate-sex, she has. I have never had anal sex, she has. And she had it while I was a boy being bullied in school.

    I hate being the “marriage material”-guy that she wouldn’t sleep with right away not to “ruin” it. How could it ruin anything? It was not like she was a virgin.

    Sometimes I feel like this is all wrong. On the surface I’m a very successful man, I have four children, an awesome car, a big house, a high paying job and a loving wife. I’m good at my job, come across as self confident, intelligent, well spoken. But somewhere inside I’m still a boy being bullied in school while my to-be wife has kinky awesome sex.

    When we’re having our normal daily routine things are fine, but if something comes up the RJOCD beast awakens inside me. Recently she didn’t want to have sex, saying something along the lines of “couldn’t be bothered now”. It feels like a belittlement. Why can’t she be “bothered” with me, when she could with someone she didn’t even love? It eats away inside me for days.

    1. Sorry to hear this, Daniel. I’m sure I could help you out, though, if you want to get in touch.

  67. Lenny says:

    Thanks so much for this great post! It really helped me to understand my condition so much better. I finially know that I’m a retroactive jealousy sufferer!

    1. That’s great to hear, Lenny. Let me know if you need any help.

      1. Lucy says:

        Hi Jeff,

        You will never understand how thankful I am that I found this website as I never realised there were others like myself or that there was even a term for what this is.

        Through snooping, I found that my partner had actually been hiding things from me and it confirmed a lot of the worries my RJ had caused me. Is my thinking still valid or do you have any other advice? It would mean a lot.

        Thank you

  68. Steve says:

    25 years go by and I’m okay, within margins, of the past relationships I knew about. Then, bam, word slips out about literally someone I cannot stand with her just weeks before we met. Though it only happened a few times all those years ago, the information is new to me now and it’s just like it happened – in my brain. Emotionally that is. She says she didn’t “know what you did” about the guy as though that makes it any better. So I start asking questions, wondering if she just didn’t care about her exploits enough to check-in to who she was screwing (this guy ran whores constantly). Now at my age I’m visualizing her, back then, as a totally different person that I had met. The thing is, we are and always have been loyal. But to me, this is a totally new situation and remarkably different from a few long term relationships she’d had before. Very tormented.

    1. I totally get where you’re coming from. I have a ton of resources on this site that should really help you with your retroactive jealousy.

  69. Rachel says:

    I don’t know if my boyfriend quite fits RJ OCD. He hates my past to the point it makes him sick. He’s disgusted by the things I’ve done in my past, but not jealous. Please email me if you can

  70. Bob Griffin says:

    I been married for 34 yrs. I was 21 yrs old when married. The only person I had sex with was my wife. She lost her virginity to her ex boyfriend when she was 16 yrs old. She 20 yrs when we got married. We were dating for about 6 months she wrote me a letter saying she wasn’t a virgin. It wasn’t one time thing with her ex. It was many times. She didn’t go no further. She wanted to be honest with me. I was young and immature. I had no idea what I was doing. We had opportunity at my uncles house to do it for first time. She said she felt liked I raped her. She has told me her feelings just recently. At the time I thought she was happy. She never said a word. Every week end we would go to the drive in and screw in the back seat. We were both a little nervous about getting caught. She seem to real like it. Once we got married I’ll life’s seem to settle down It seem I wasn’t satisfing her in bed. I started asking questions what made her happy. She told me a few things they did together. We tried it I wasn’t as good. As time went it got allot better. She told me things that they did in bed that really bothered me. Sometimes I would say things like why didn’t stay with him if I can’t make you happy. After three children I found out she finally got a hold of him. They were emailing for about six months. He lived in a different state. She would things why did you leave me. You were first love I lost you once. I don’t want to lose you again. They stopped emailing because they both knew it wasn’t going anywhere. I found the emails and I blew up. She told me I ruined everything. That are making love has never been this good. I’m thinking what she is closing her eyes thinking I was him. Now I don’t trust her. I feel when she is texting someone it is him. I’m sick to stomach. I don’t know if I can trust her ever again. I feel all these years have been a lie. I still love but I just don’t know. She said I bought a ghost into our bed. How can I deal with this feeling.

  71. Justice says:

    Ok my name is Justice, I am 16 years old and I have a long distance relationship with this extremely smart and beautiful girl from Georgia. I first came across retroactive jealousy when she first told me about a rape story(which turned out to be a lie).
    She told me it happened at a party and at first I was more than willing to except that this had happened and I told her that everything would be ok and I will be by her side on this.

    After a few weeks we started getting closer which is when my ocd about that grew stronger. I had very bad fantasies and dreams about it, I almost resorted to cutting myself but I came across marijuana which couldve been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. She showed me the picture of the guy and told me how it happened.

    After hearing that my jealously grew even stronger, now I can picture exactly where and what happened. I remember I couldnt even listen to songs that refrenced anything about a girl. The song that got me the most was Sean Kingston- All I got.

    I would briefly picture her asleep on a table getting raped by the man I saw on the picture, it was terrible. It lasted for 6 months and she already knew by then what I was going through.

    Now during our relationship at first I hid everything from her and made it feel like it wasnt affecting me, when we had out phone sex(yeah call us weird) everytime we did it, it felt as if the guy was with her doing it but after close inspection of her private parts, i noticed that it was tight as hell from the fact her hole was small and she said she felt pain from even touching it which therefore gave me speculations on if its real or not.

    It took her almost 8 months to tell me the truth that is it was fake and just like a snap, my ocd was gone, no more thoughts no more pain just pure joy and happiness. I havent felt relief like that in a long time. Fast forward 6 more months and now we are here on April the 22nd of 2019. I have come across a new problem now.

    turns out she was a big hit back in elementary, there was this game her and boys played called oreo. It was rock-paper-sisscors-shoot except it went O-R-E-O. The loser would have to ask someone out and be with them for 24 hours. Lets just say she last quite a bit. And now recently i found out shes sex talked people before prior to her telling me a few months back that I was the only one. She is a virgin for sure, but the thing is that I looked at her snapchat one day and I saw a lot of things I wished i never ever laid my eyes on. This thing or disorder is killing me. We just got in a fight where she called me a jerk multiple times for bringing up her past and I honestly dont want her to be hurt because of my actions. I want this to end badly. I figured spreading my mind on this platform will help me deal with these problems.

    Theres also things like random guys in stores and restruants and school who have touched her butt, and its disgusting that people do that. She doesnt do anything about that when they do, all she does is walk away and become prey again. Im terrified of her leaving her house. I guess thats just how it goes when someone is really beautiful.

    Im always paranoid that something else is going to happen each day, so far everything has been normal and noone has been bothering her but for my case my anxiety only gets worse and worse.

    My use of drugs is affecting my health and schooling and im sick of it. I want to get my life together but theres so much things holding me back. I vent to her about it almost everyday and I know thats very unhealthy for a relationship. I am a pisces so I have trouble controlling my anger and emotions.

    I want better for me and her, she claims that her past bothers her too because it hurts and affects me… But I truly wonder if it affects her? probably not but today I asked her and she said it does. I do not believe her and I want to hurt the people shes been with which is also not very healthy. Me and her were meant to be and theres so much evidence for it. We will last forever but will my ocd last with us too?

  72. Ron says:

    I meet my wife when I was 28 and she was 33. Dated for a year and married now for 20 years. We have 3 beautiful kids, with two of the now in college.
    For me it all started when while dating.
    I was house sitting while she was away for a week. She had a few picture albums and love letters of all the man that she had sexual relations and dated before me.
    I made a comment and let her know that. I did not felt comfortable and really bother me that she kept all of those letters and pictures if we where in a serious relationship, which she agreed to throw away most of them.
    3 years after we got married.
    I started to ask her about some of those boyfriends and she very comfortable started sharing her sexual past and sexual experiences with numerous man from different parts of the world. A first I was impress and very curious and wanted to know more. That went on for a few weeks on and off.
    Unfortunately that was the worst curse that I’ve ever done to my self.
    For the past 20 years the memories of those conversations is all I can think of and to make matters worse. She keeps in contact with some of them stating that they are people of her past Not her present.
    I have all of the symptoms that are prescribed in this article. browsing, snooping, arguing, dwelling and sniping.
    I live a very unhappy life because of my thoughts.
    I’m a very hard working man with passion for love. And She is a wonderful woman that has loved me unconditionally and gave me a beautiful family.
    It is so painful being me, that my mind thinks of the same thing all day long.
    Lately I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of the same thing when she is sleeping next to me.
    RJ OCD I HAVE. And I need help.

  73. Ron says:

    I meet my wife when I was 28 and she was 33. Dated for a year and married now for 20 years. We have 3 beautiful kids, with two of the now in college.
    For me it all started when when we started dating.
    I was house sitting while she was away for a week. She had a few picture albums and love letters of all the man that she had sexual relations and dated before me.
    I made a comment and let her know that I did not felt comfortable and really bother me that she kept all of those letters and pictures if we where in a serious relationship, which she agreed to throw away most of them.
    3 years after we got married.
    I started to ask her about some of those boyfriends and she very comfortable started sharing her sexual past and sexual experiences with numerous man from different parts of the world. At first I was impress and very curious and wanted to know more. That went on for a few weeks on and off.
    Unfortunately that was the worst curse that I’ve ever done to my self.

    For the past 20 years the memories of those conversations is all I can think of and to make matters worse.
    She keeps in contact with some of them stating that they are people of her past Not her present.
    I have all of the symptoms that are prescribed in this article. browsing, snooping, arguing, dwelling and sniping.
    I live a very unhappy life because of my thoughts.
    I’m a very hard working man with passion for love and she is a wonderful woman that has loved me unconditionally and gave me a beautiful family.
    It is so painful being me, my mind thinks of the same things all day long.
    Lately I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of the same thing when she is sleeping next to me.
    RJ OCD I HAVE. And I need help.

  74. Matt says:

    HELP …….

    So my GF is very open , shes told me she’s had 90 odd sexual partners , I’ve had about 50 … so it shouldn’t bother me , but we had an argument which has resulted in my checking her phone , I feel bad for doing this almost didn’t bother but I did ……
    On there I read a lot of her text messages between her and old partners !! So many of them where the first message between them both would be a rude picture and an invite round her or his house for sex … this happened on so many messages …. was before we started going out , but we was in conversation with each other at the time … these were only the text messages too , she must of deleted all the whats app convos …. I really can’t shake what I’ve read out my head now ….. I knew she was no angel as mutual friends have told be about her past …. but having read it which I really wish I hadn’t I can’t get it out my head !! I’ve no doubts she’d never cheat , just hate seeing what she was like …. “hi it’s xxxx from tinder , here’s my postcode come round “

  75. Maria says:

    I never knew what I had until now. And al though I knew It was absurd and its a past no change now some how it hurt me and makes me feel uncomfortable. Ive had a past myself I mean not as elaborate as his but still doesn’t makes sense why I even care. The thought of his ex bugs me in every aspect and Its tagged along with comparisons where I want to be the only one he loved I want to be the best I want to be his only wife and it destroys my emotions inside even rejecting him treating him with disgust. I want to end this its like I will never have a happy relationship if Im living in the past. Not to mention out of all men Ive dated this is the one that has put me in the hardest position do to his wild past p.s. ex gf was a stripper for a job! So you can imagine the wildest life for 7 years. would like some advice please

    1. Edward says:

      I am really trying to get over this. I have told my partner about this and it is tearing us apart. She advised I stop bringing it up cause it wasn’t helping. So I don’t share it with her any more, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s been months now and I’m worried it’s never going to go away. Now she thinks I am over it, so she keeps brining up her ex’s and I’m crushed every time. She doesn’t want to be intimate with me so I can’t help thinking I don’t measure up. I can’t stand this agony. 🙁

  76. Ky says:

    In my case ,I triggered RJ bcos knowing the knowledge of her past slutting around after 6 years of relationship. If she told me the truth when we first met ,it wouldnt bother me at all. For the past 6 years she portrays her life as being a loyal, loving person and condemned other girls who does promiscuous act one night stand etc. My opinion on this ,it is really depending on how bad is the partners past , I would choose long term relationship rather than one night stands. And healthy relationship should be transparent from the beginning.

  77. Adrienne says:

    My husband hooked up with a person I called my cousin before we were dating. I have a very difficult past with her and I have tried to forgive for alot of stuff. Mule kicking me down the stairs when I was pregnant, breaking in my home and taking her child’s diapers and smearing them on my walls, breaking my windows, physically attacking me several times through out the years. I ended up having to get a restraining order against her & still ended up reconciling with her. This was before my now husband came into the picture. Her sister was sleeping with my then boyfriend. That ended that relationship. My cousin knew I was interested in my now husband and he knew it too and he claims he was too shy to say anything but was also interested in me. He still hooked up with her anyway a few times. I tried to let it go but it came back to bite me. She ended up giving him HPV on top of an STD that he had no idea until I got it. He had no symptoms. The HPV ended up turning into cervical cancer and spread. I ended up with a hysterectomy and needing other body parts removed. My husband and I lost one of our children while I was pregnant due to this. It has now caused other health problems for me and I cannot forgive him or her. I warned him that she was sleeping around with random men at the local bar. I told him too that she did indeed have a boyfriend. His need for an easy hook up cost me my health, unrest in our marriage, and one of our children’s lives. I already have OCD. I also have BP2. I am on medication. I am in therapy. I have tried to move on but this “cousin” & her sister have wrecked my life in more ways then one. My husband on top of it all, is not an affectionate person like I thought he was. We do not celebrate my birthday, we do not celebrate our anniversary. We do not have date nights but he would take her out everywhere. He has made no effort to change this behavior. I feel subpar and worthless. I think about him being with her often and the thoughts do not stop. Everytime I go in for testing and they tell me they have more cancerous cells in another part of my body, it starts the cycle all over. Every time this person is brought up by my “aunt”, every time she tries to reach out to me because she wants something. I feel so gross. I grew up in a household where we were taught you do not sleep around for this reason. I told my husband that I do not think I can remain married to him. I cannot get over this. I cannot get it out of my head. I’ve told him how I feel I don’t measure up to this hump & dump. I don’t even want him touching me anymore. The therapist is no help either. She says to just let it go. How can I? My baby is dead and I am sick now. What is your advice? Thank you.

  78. Milly says:

    My boyfriend of over a year who I thought was the one had severe RJ OCD (which him and I didn’t know about until 3 months back. I’ve only been in 1 relationship before him. He’s been with a lot more women so it would always agitate me whenever he would question me about my past so much. Before dating him, I told him everything about myself because I wanted to be honest. If I had known he had a problem, I never would have. His jealousy and insecurities got the best of him. He became very controlling and abusive because of it. I always thought there’s something wrong with him because when he was good. He was perfect. Eventually he ended up cheating on me by sleeping with another woman because he couldn’t take it anymore. Now he has realised that it was a mistake due to his RJ OCD and he regrets it more than anything. He has also got therapy for his RJ OCD. He seems to have improved but I’m still hurt and scared.
    Nonetheless, I want to thank you for this. I’m glad my boyfriend could find closure and realise he isn’t weird or alone for having this problem. His mental health has improved and I’m happy for him.
    I feel like to try get over what he did to me and
    understand how much he hurt me, I have to grasp a better understanding to RJ OCD. So I can forgive him and be with him again because I really love him and want to believe that he has changed.

  79. Vera says:

    I lost my Husband to another lady, we’ve married for 5 years and he is all i could call a true best friend and best in all , the man that handle my problems perfectly , the man that sacrifices for my happiness . I wanted him back in my life . I was so confused . i went online for relationship books while i came across a spell caster called “ROBINSON BUCKLER”. I read about him, reviews and testimonies so i contacted him immediately, explained my problems to him. Same day, He cast a spell for me and assured me of 48 hours that my husband will return to me and to my greatest surprise after 48 hour my husband came knocking on my door and begged for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again, I wouldn’t stop talking about him. Contact him today if you need his help and he can cure Herpes: email robinsonbucler @gmail com ………

  80. Lee says:

    I just realized I suffer from retroactive jealousy. I once had someone tell me that they hope I can meet someone who doesn’t have an ex. I obsess with thoughts such as, was their an ex a better kisser than me? We’re they better in bed than me? We’re they more confident than me? Did they cuddle better than me?

    When I’m single I know what I bring to the table. I feel confident. But the moment I enter a relationship it’s like poof it disappears.

    Sometimes I fear I should just be alone than to deal with these sick, fucked up thoughts.

  81. KYL says:

    RJ OCD is destroying me and my marriage. The history and numbers may make a difference, but in my case it’s a single one night stand my wife had before we were married. So this comes in all shapes and sizes. Some days are worse than others. But it’s been debilitating recently.

    Reading these comments does help. Best wishes to everyone dealing with this.

  82. Jamie says:

    I feel like I am in the last stage of this.
    I am not even bothered by her past anymore nor am I bothered by the thoughts/images that pop into my head.
    I am only somewhat bothered by the fact that they do pop into my head which I believe is causing me to become stuck in this phase.
    Any advice?

  83. O.G says:

    I’m so glad I found this site been searching forever trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.All that is described here is me. I’m in a lesbian relationship absolutely love my partner but can’t get over her past and to make things worse what triggers the thoughts are her children that we live with this is making me so miserable. I never knew it had a name I need help please.

  84. Rose says:

    I have been with my other half for 15 years (High school) and I recently found out that he was sleeping around behind my back years ago and I CANT stop thinking about it. It was so long ago and I know he’s a different person now but it’s killing me. I’m shocked that there’s actually a title for what I’m suffering with. I really hope I can get over this.

  85. Joshua says:

    Hello, I have been with my girlfriend for 11 years and she has made me into the man I am today. We have a house, 3 wonderful children and life is good. Apart from 1 thing, retroactive jealousy. I met my partner when she was 16 and I was 19. We fell in love almost instantly, she is extremely pretty and I fell for her straight away. Soon after we met we had the talk about each other’s past. We agreed that we would be as open and as honest as possible. She told me that she had slept with 2 people before me. One of which I know, not personally but he lives around our area. Our pasts are remarkably similar. She also had a boyfriend in school, they never had sex, but did a few things together. It was also later revealed by someone else that she had fooled around with one of her brothers friends. This really shocked me as I thought she had told me everything. This is made worse by the fact that her brother has an upcoming wedding, and I will have to spend some time with this person in a social situation. This is an extremely painful thought for me. None of this makes sense to me, as my partner told me in the beginning about most of her history and it never bothered me then. So why after 11 years together had it started bothering me now? Over the last 6 months I have done a great deal of soul searching , research and tries to work on myself. I have to say I am better than 6 months ago. In the beginning it made me angry at my partner, but I’m now a lot calmer and me and my partner have many more calm discussions. If anything. Has helped us become better communicators. However, every single minute of every single day is a struggle for me, from morning until night. I’m absolutely exhausted because of this, and the mental movies never seem to stop. I asked for this information from her, and she has told me things about her previous experiences that are not shocking, but for whatever reason my brain has decided that she has done something drastically wrong. I still remain optimistic that I can defeat this cancer, and if anything, I get a little satisfaction from knowing that maybe retroactive jealousy has been sent to me, in order for me to make positive changes to my life. I love my partner and my children with all of my heart and I always will. I hope this helps other people, you are not alone no matter how stupid you know this is.

  86. Bob jones says:

    Women are whores and they will say anything to their current lover to make them stays. Women are liars as well. The sluts like to say it’s because someone took advantage of them but really they were just ducking whores all along and say this now that they regret it and they wish they didn’t. Stupid bitches. If you are lucky enough to find out about a past before wedding dump their ass. I found out but since I was virgin and she took my virginity I felt compelled to marry her. We have 3 kids and I love them but fuck. I would have fucked soo many women if u knew this was the way it was going to turn out. I’ve cheated a billion times and this is my confession here late at night. I have cheated via massage parolee but just hand jobs and ducked 3 other women so far besides my wide. I think we all just want fair so I will need tofu k a few. More women for manny years to even it up. But I wish I didn’t have to hide it all…. meaning I wish I could duck with liberation like the bitch wives did for years…..

  87. Tabo says:

    I’m so glad I found this site. I had no idea there was a name for my suffering. I’m glad I’m not alone and that I’m not some selfish, immature person. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. Things moved really fast. Before we started anything he told me about his ex and judging from the hurt in his eyes I was convinced he was not over her. But after he showed interest in me and we spoke about it I let go of that thought until I finally met her. He looked so terrified and was practically blushing. That nearly killed me. We had just started and I lost my virginity to him. I was prepared to end things. But we spoke about it and he assured me he is over her. The problem is he is extremely open about his past and the things he has done. I am too but be gives too much detail. I admit I sort of resent him for having done more than I have in the past. I just can’t help seeing mental images of everything he has told me. They are replaying constantly in my mind. Especially of him and his ex. And to make it all worse we hang around the same circle of friends. Seeing her completely breaks me. I see written all over her body the things he did to her that he now does to me. He would find a way to mention her every single day and that nearly broke me. I don’t know. We are in love. I know he loves me. But I think about him doing things with other girls more than I think of us. I’m so miserable. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. These thoughts have completely taken over, every minute of every day. I don’t know what to do with this ache in my heart.

  88. Mari says:

    Hey! I also need help, I’ve been thinking a lot of my bf’s past gf and it’s horribly eating me alive, when I think of the times when they were a couple or so I usually get anxious when I’m thinking of how were they doing back then, mostly their sexual inteactions. I mean there’s nothing wrong between us honestly but I’m suffering almost everyday for thinking if am I really his gf right now and why? All the insecurities in me builds up especially when it comes to appearance since her ex is way more good looking than me. Help pls I don’t know what to do. Almost everyday I cry because of that and my anxiety builds up. Since my bf hides nothing to me so I know all of what they did in the past and thinking of it hurts even though i know that his ex never treated him right. My bf is so inlove right now so I’m not blaming him for this, it’s just that my feelings or situation right now could affect us in some ways. Please help me, Thank you!

  89. Madison says:

    I saw this video on tik tok which led me to here . I know something isn’t right in my mind with my present relationship sometimes I feel crazy , I’d love to talk .

  90. Dries Claesen says:

    Im really thankful to see this. I knew there was something wrong but could never give it a place. Just reading this article alone has helped me so so much. I now understand how much this affected me (and my girlfriend) and really want to do something about it.
    Thank you so much for this great (and well written) article!

  91. MoMo says:

    I don’t know if this is too late to comment, but I am experiencing retro-active jealousy pretty hard. I(23M) wanted to lose my virginity to another virgin, as in that was my mindset for some reason. I ‘saved’ myself, I didnt indulge in any sort of activity. I always imagined losing virginity together, and I always imagined as one of the most romantic thing I will ever experience. Idk why I got such a mindset, and I personally dont like this type of mindset. But I have it and it is now bothering me pretty hard. I am dating this girl ( we are pretty serious ), who lost her virginity to her ex, actually she did all her ‘first’ experiences with her ex. I just keep imagining explicit images of all the things she done with her ex and it just hurts a lot and I can not stop thinking. I want to stop thinking, it’s her past, I shouldnt care about this but clearly I care. It is hurting a lot, that’s all I think about sometimes. Idk how to get over it, I just hope I get over it. Any help is appreciated.

  92. Allen says:

    I must say. I have this bad ! Over 35 years now been married , I think of her past as a porn movie ever waking moment of my life ! It’s so bad I have called her ever name in the book. From whore to you name it. I don’t even want her to touch me. No sex life for many years I just can’t allow her to touch me. I can’t think strait or sleep normal any more. Only reason I’m still here is my kids. I just want to disappear and never come back. I’m mentally exhausted. To the point that I think about death to relive my mind. I don’t know how to get it to stop. I need help of some kind.

  93. Si says:

    This is so interesting.
    I’ve been with my wife 20 years and am happily married but this OCD diagnosis is really refreshing for me.
    At the start of our relationship this nearly broke us as I was so jealous of her past she’d had more partners and a few I knew and they were well endowed which ate me up.
    One point I would like to make is I’ve learned to live with it and I can sometimes go years without even thinking about it but it still comes back as vividly as ever even 20 years on I’m going through a jealous spell and it is affecting my erections which causes arguments between us that is how I found this site.I am so glad after all this time it is not just me.

  94. Sharing to Help says:

    I share this in hopes of helping other people like me. I am a dad in the middle of a separation. Sexually, my equipment is smaller than average and I have been challenged with PE most of my life. Not a great combination and it led me to avoid casual sex to avoid humiliation. Prior to being married at 30, I had 8 sexual partners. After almost 2 decades, my ex and I are now separating and I am seeing an amazing, beautiful woman. We have fallen deeply in love very quickly, have what I consider a great sex life and are also great friends.

    She was married twice in her 20’s, and after her 2nd divorce, had a wild 30’s. She told me early on she is very sex-positive and often made mention of men (and women) she slept with. Moreover, many of these were people she still considered friends and stayed in contact with. I found this very uncomfortable, especially as it was evident some of these people still carried a torch for her. These ghosts from her past would also run through my mind during sex, causing performance issues. Finally, I brought this to her, and to her credit, she put a stop to it and things in the bedroom improved. Just from her stories,, I know of 10 people she has been with and given her self-described times of promiscuity, expect that number to be far higher. I also have little question that given her sexual adventurism, experimentation with group sex is also more likely than not.

    While there are no absolutes in life, humans are hardwired to experience jealousy with our mates because assuring our genetics get replicated is a direct order. That we feel threatened by others lurking in the shadows is NOT YOUR FAULT. This code is written deeply into our DNA and no one should feel ashamed or confused for it. However, given this awareness, it leaves us with the opportunity to push back on our baser instincts.

    I love this woman – she is my person. The greatest threat to our relationship is me and not her past. I won’t lie…it’s a struggle sometimes. Last night I made the critical mistake of trolling the internet for one of the men she mentioned by name and instead came across an online picture of her with a different guy who happened to be a bull of an African American man and touching in a way that made the relationship obvious. Given my leading statements, you can imagine that I went cold and my heart stopped. How could I compete with what he was probably packing?! Even with this, I push through. My logical brain says, “hey, she knows what you bring to the table and still has chosen you”. The devil on my shoulder says, “oh yeah? for how long given what she’s used to getting!”

    At the end of the day, I could choose to avoid love and happiness altogether and embrace a lesser life. Is it possible she might decide that a bigger, more well-endowed man is what she needs and leave me? Sure, it’s possible…and I’ll deal with that if it comes. In the meantime, I’m going to work my ass off not to poison our relationship with jealousy and steal every wonderful, loving moment with her I can because maybe, just maybe…this lasts.

  95. SSD says:

    Well done!! thank you

  96. Ed says:

    This is killing me. I’m full with adrenaline all day and night.

  97. Elizabeth says:

    Hi Jeff, I have been married for nearly 50 years, just recently my husband confessed after I asked if he had a sexual experience before we were married (I met him when I was 17 and he was 20). To my shock he confessed he had been intimate in a previous casual arrangement with an old school friend, there was no attraction, he did not consider her his girlfriend, however she took charge and he found himself out of his depth and knowing him as I do I tend to believe him. Sadly he was actively contributing to the outcome, and he didn’t see her again. He felt ashamed and embarrassed that he had been so willing to go along with something that he really was not ready for (he was 18 and this was the first girl he had taken out).

    I was so shocked because I thought I knew him inside and out. I was more disappointed that he had waited all these years to tell me and only told me because he was asked and he said he didn’t want to lie to me. I had a very strong view on sex before marriage so he knew my beliefs. I am plagued by unwanted thoughts and visions of them being together, we have had a very happy 50 years of marriage however this has caused enormous problems for the reasons I have read in other comment by partners who have been told of explicit sexual behaviour by their partner. Our marriage has been challenged, my trust in him has shifted, the way I see him has changed because I now know he could keep this important event to himself for the sole reason that he felt uncomfortable, I am sad that he couldn’t take me into his confidence and unburden himself. I believe because of the passage of time this disclosure has done damage to the fabric of our marriage. I have had OCD for approximately 30 years and have never had such a fixation on anything like this retroactive jealousy, I never thought of myself as a jealous person but this event has shaken me and leaves more questions than answers. Mood swings, anger outbursts, lack of understanding, and arguments.

    I did pay for and order the book “Retroactive Jealousy Crusher” but unfortunately I wasn’t able to print it off the PDF file provided, therefore I have paid the money and have no book to show. I did email after I realised my computer would not print but haven’t had any response.

  98. Nomen Nescio says:

    I’ve finally stopped feeling anxious about the past. And I want to give y’all an advice.
    If you have an obsession don’t try to manipulate your partner.
    For instance, I never gave my girlfriend a chance to tell me everything about her past.
    The girl I have crush on is a virgin; she’s 20 y.o and I can’t explain my feelings, but I’m permanently sick because I used to imagine woful situations involving her.
    She has an inkling that I’m not okay, and this fact is destroying me.
    Don’t afraid to sound like a holier-than-thou and ask! Ask everything about your partner’s past before you get attached, there’s no other way.
    Mayhap this fact is disturbing for some of you, but there’s no way to erase the memory.
    If your partner hadn’t thought about the consequences of their actions they would never do it; it’s sad but true.
    Become existentialists and respect your ego.

    Best wishes,
    Nomen Nescio :))

  99. Chloe says:

    I feel like I suffer from this but have a different experience to what you’ve described here. I dwell on thoughts but don’t physically do anything such as snooping and it’s not always sexual. I get very jealous over the experiences my partner has had as I wanted to do the same things but had no one to do them with when he was with his ex.

  100. Jeff says:

    I’m 52 and this started when I was 23 in my first marriage. I’m in my 3rd marriage and it is tearing it apart. There is no help for the pain. The topic is avoided by women. I can’t even bring it up so I can explain where the nasty judgement comments come from. I’ve spent countless hours with this disgusting feeling and these horrible mini movies. It always strikes when we are out of town and my wife is dressed really sexy. She can tell when it hits me and asks what I’m thinking about but I can’t tell her.

    The insults my wife throws at me over this make me want to seek two forms of vengeance. One where i go and sleep around and throw our marriage in the trash and the other where I drive my truck off a cliff. Either way I want her to live with the guilt of not giving me the 5 minutes I’ve asked her for to explain it.

  101. Rub says:

    Would really appreciate some help on this. I’m really struggling.

  102. Jorge Jonas says:

    Hello Jeff and thank you first for your help and support for all of us, RJ sufferers.

    My loved girlfriend is suffering so much this painful OCD, she’s doing her best, she’s read the book and now she is having the course.
    So yes, there’s heal process for the person with this complex OCD, but I do not want to stand still, I do want to help actively in her heal process as well.
    What can I do to help?
    is there any advise, guide, course, texts for all the partners as me?

    Thank you very much in advance.

  103. Steve says:

    Hi I have lived the last 18 months of my marriage completely possessed by intrusive thoughts and images of my wife’s sexual past. I had a real issue with it when we first got together 15 years ago which went away and hasn’t bothered me until the birth of our second child 2 years ago and the onset of lockdown which seems to have caused me a total breakdown mentally and has sent me spiralling to the point of desperation. I cant remember a day in the last 18 months that I haven’t thought about it. My wife has a sexual past with friends of mine and work colleagues which particularly cause me distress and I have been told too much about the encounters and about her promiscuous reputation before she got together with me. I’m so uncomfortable with the way she used to be vs the way she is with me now and our relationship has suffered with kids as we have little to no quality time together. She has never given me any reason to doubt her love for me and her commitment to our relationship so I live in a constant conflict where I know the thoughts are irrelevant and unfair but I can’t control them, it’s like being possessed. I need help badly.

  104. dominic says:

    my wife and i have ben togther 11 years married 4 3. we both had other relationship b4 we married. also she was very fun and sexual we had a3some 2x w my well hung freind. we had a 3some w a random guy and a married couple. she was into toys porn lingere vidos pics w.e now she dont bothere.baxck in 2012 i had a feeling she was messing w her brothers best friend. i caught her in a lie following her and turns ou she was going to his place. her 1 contasct on her phone was himher gps had her at airport 2x where he worked and after i violated an oop(she really wanted me gone) she was playingco ed volley ball w him. she denies it to this day. the worst one was in 2017 she was living w her brother and his gf had abrother. well one night i went by told her to gout to her car i left somethin ng for her she said ok stay on phone w me. when she came out she left her phone in bedroom on speaker hmmm there was 2 matresses againts room next to hrs. one night she caalled me on accident i heard silence then no dont stop in her voice then slappuing and moaning nd she still denies it. this among otheras. i never have asked for a girl and she can have w.e. she wants dont know the reasons for these lies it drives me crazy,\. i fantasize about how she was getti ng fucked on phone its crazy

  105. Julie says:

    I’m not even sure if I have this form of OCD. I have anxiety and depression already on top of having some really bad interactions with men over the years. Me and my boyfriend of 2 months going on 3 soon both love each other. It feels natural to be with him and things are going at a smooth pace.

    I’m on the Asexual spectrum (Demisexual) and I have had sexual interactions of my own before and so has he. That’s fine but part of me wonders if I am just another woman. I’m fully aware this is a silly thing to think but I have no idea what the source for something like this is.

    I’m also wondering why he offered to get an std/sti test and didn’t just get one done.

  106. Marco says:

    Gentlemen, your negative feelings exist for a reason, interrogate them, see where they come from. You’ll find that she isn’t for you. She is damaged, her ability to pair bond is damaged. What you do is what you are, if you behave like a whore you are a whore and all the negatives that come with it are present.

    The scientific literature is overwhelming on the negative effect promiscuity has on successful marriage rates and pair bonding with a woman’s children/husband. You are the prize.

  107. claire says:

    I am tearing up as I read this article because I can relate to having RJ OCD. It’s so hard to control. I’m with my boyfriend for about 3 years now, and I discovered his dark past about having sugar daddy (gay), which he did due to financial problems and lasted almost 5 years right before we started. He only admitted it on our 2nd year of relationship. Sometimes I’m okay but it really gets to my mind and I get very anxious. He already admitted to me everything and he’s very open that he regrets his past. I know he loves me so much and he does everything that will make me happy but I really can’t get over it even when he answered honestly all my curiousity about his past. I do not show my anxiety to him, but when I’m alone I get so stressed and cries myself to sleep. I love him so much and I want this to stop already. I don’t want to lose him

  108. Clare says:

    Please Jeff ,
    Help me & my soul mate the most beautiful man I’ve ever met or known – he is the love of my life but he suffers the more severe case of retro active OCD .
    It breaks me to see him suffer when he’s triggered I understand it’s an illness but it breaks my heart every episode he has

  109. Ryan says:

    I’m suffering from this and hurting my partner aswell what do I do

  110. Ryan says:

    I’m suffering from this and hurting my partner aswell what do I do we both like each other

  111. aaron says:

    Hi Jeff.

    I have suffered from retroactive jealousy for a long time, it began with my previous relationship when I was 21 and it destroyed me and my relationship with my ex girlfriend for 3 years until we eventually broke up.

    To deal with the intrusive thoughts I used drugs like alcohol and cannabis heavy and eventually moving onto abusing cocaine to try deal with it, leading me into developing an alcohol and drug addiction, to which I ended up getting into recovery and sober from.

    I was single again until 7 months ago when I ended up dating, getting into a relationship and falling in love with my best friend of 7 years, who I am currently in a relationship with.

    Before I knew what retroactive jealousy even was I just assumed those intrusive thoughts and mental movies were because I was young and abusing drugs, but in the last three months they have resurfaced worse than before.

    Once I found out retroactive jealousy was a thing and what I suffer from I have purchased your book and begun following the suggested things to help deal with my OCD, to varying levels of success.

    But last night the worst trigger of my life happened when my girlfriend told me see had sex with her co-worker and boss one week before we began our relationship.
    She still works with her boss daily and they are in contact outside of work hours regularly.

    This has caused me such grief as I now know she will be in his company daily.

    Can use advice me anyway how to deal with the intrusive thoughts, mental movie and crippling anxiety that this has brought me.

    I love my girlfriend so much, and want to be able to put this thinking behind me and not let it,
    1. Ruin and potentially end our relationship.

    2. Rob me of my peace of mind.

    Thank you for all the help and insight you have brought me so far.

  112. David says:

    Hey can you send me your email so I can ask a few questions. Everything in this post is relatable and I can see now that it is beatable/treatable. My situation has a few different factors and I’d like to know how they affect the traditional way of doing things. Thanks.

  113. LB says:

    I have been suffering with this rj ocd thing for a while now. I need help. Not only did I find out that my wife had a promiscuous past, but she also lied to my face, and swore to her kids and grandkids that she never did anything but with my tech skills I was able to uncover her having online sex with an old married man from another country, her body and his body parts involved and everything. I read many conversations of her with other men, including sexual content. These are not thoughts, they are facts. I have all the proof with over a thousand pictures of her behavior all in my mind. She even made some of these relationships public for her entire family to see. It’s pure insanity in my mind and body. I don’t know what to do to erase what I saw from my mind and move forward with her. I am not sure if it’s possible. She told all these men she flirted and had a relationship with that she loved them, in two weeks after we met she said she loved me. I can’t believe a word she says and I find it difficult to even respect her after all this. I am lost and don’t know what to do. I really appreciate your help. Thank you!

  114. Nathan says:

    My RJ stems from my girlfriend telling me she had a “few weeks” fling with an African American gangster rapper while he was touring Australia 18 years ago. She was petite blonde 21 year old, he was a 42 year old big man. She said he had strange sex fetishes. Now I don’t blame her or put her at fault for doing any of this, she was young and single and free, good for her. But why did she feel the need to tell me? What did she have to gain from that? How could that possibly be a positive thing for me to hear? She could have left it at “I had a fling with 2pacs producer” but she knew I knew nothing about hiphop, so she then told me his name and what crew he was a member of. So of course I google him and I see just how influential he is in the hip-hop business. I have mental movies of the night they met, did they go back to his hotel room or her apartment, was he packing a monster D? It’s torture, and it doesn’t stop. Please for the love of God, help this go away. Please.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *