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Are You A Jealous Husband? Here’s The #1 Thing You Need To Do

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
January 18, 2016
jealous husband

Are you a jealous husband? Does the thought of your wife having once enjoyed casual sex with other men make your skin crawl?

If so, I strongly suggest you read this view from the other side of the fence — a woman married to a jealous husband who relayed her story to me via email.

As you’ll see by reading the email, Carrie (as I’ll call her) is at the end of her tether due to her jealous husband’s retroactive jealousy.

Read the email first, and then my comments on what you can do as someone suffering from retroactive jealousy in a marriage (from both sides of the fence).

Carrie’s Email About Her Jealous Husband

My name’s Carrie. At the end of last year me and my husband decided to temporarily split up. We were having a few different problems, but the main consistent problem for us was my husband’s jealousy about my past.

Each time I would spend hours and hours talking over everything and trying to reassure him and nothing ever worked, it just kept popping back up.

We have recently started talking again, and we both still love each other and really want to get this to work, but jealousy is starting to pop up again.

So I’ve been on Google trying to see how I can help with this because he really suffers with the thoughts. And I really don’t mind going through everything with him time and time again but I know it’s destructive.

This is the first I’ve heard of retroactive jealousy. But it definitely describes what is going on in his head.

I really want to help him and have bought him a copy of your ebook as a gift. I just wanted to say thank you for writing it and I really hope it works…

Best

Carrie

Okay, so what we have here is a classic case of a man’s retroactive jealousy and insecurity in marriage causing the one thing he doesn’t want — the breakdown of the marriage.

This kind of self-sabotaging, self-destructive behavior is, however, very common…

How To Fight Retroactive Jealousy In A Marriage

The first thing you MUST do, right now, as a jealous husband who thinks they can’t stop quizzing your wife about her past, is:

STOP QUIZZING YOUR WIFE ABOUT HER PAST.

This is a big one. I have no idea why so many people give the opposite advice, but you must resist at all costs the urge to “talk it out” with your partner.

This is about you, not them and, to be honest, the less you know about their past the better.

You think that by asking questions you may hear what you want to hear, and then your retroactive jealousy will magically disappear.

You want to hear:

He was terrible in bed.”

“I really wish I hadn’t done any of those things. I was so stupid,”

“The sex was so boring I used to fall asleep with my eyes open.

But, sadly, as you already know deep down, it doesn’t work like that.

Even if you do hear what you think you want to hear, it won’t make you feel any better.

The truth is, there’s absolutely nothing your partner can say or do that will suddenly turn off the jealousy monkey chatter flying around in your head.

This is because your retroactive jealousy is your problem, not theirs.

Here’s one of my favorite quotes of all time:

We don’t see things as they, we see them. We see them as we are.

— Anais Nin.

JEALOUS HUSBAND

You’re Just Keeping Their Flames Alive

A great technique to stop yourself quizzing your wife about her past is to simply consider this fact:

It will do nothing but return these ex-lovers from the back of their mind to the front of their mind.

I know this from experience. My girlfriend said she never even thought about those guys from her past, but having to answer questions about them all the time brought them all back to life to the point she even had a nightmare about them!

So, the next time you’re tempted to bring up their past in conversation again, just remember: all you’ll be doing is keeping these people alive in your partner’s head.

How To Deal With A Jealous Man

If you’re a woman reading this in an effort to help your jealous husband, here’s a quick tip on how to deal with a jealous man.

Try to be as understanding as possible. I realize how tough this may be sometimes, but here’s a way of looking at his retroactive jealousy that may make it a little easier:

Do some research on the roots of sexual jealousy in men.

As you read about how his jealousy is a product of thousands of years of evolution, hardwired into him since the dawn of time, you will soon discover just how powerful sexual jealousy is as an emotion in your husband.

Realize that these annoying interrogations and mood swings are not necessarily “him”. They are a product of his subconscious mind, preprogrammed at birth.

Focus on this and it may help you to understand his position a little more.

What To Do Next

For you jealous husbands out there, resisting the temptation to quiz your wife about her past is just one small step in the right direction.

There are many more bad habits you need to stop doing, as well as good ones you need to cultivate.

For more information on how to overcome retroactive jealousy in a marriage before it threatens to destroy it, check out my best-selling book The Ultimate Retroactive Jealousy Cure: How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past in 12 Steps.

JEALOUS HUSBAND

Or sign up for my free newsletter in which I lay the groundwork for living a life free of obsessive thoughts about your partner’s past.

Onward!

Jeff

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