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My Wife’s Diary And How I Learned the Truth After 33 Years

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Stories
September 18, 2018
retroactive jealousy

Author: Don (58) from the United States, married for 34 years with his wife (58).

Number of his sexual partners: 4

Number of her sexual partners: unknown

How long have you suffered from retroactive jealousy?
1 Year

How much time a day do you spend thinking about your partner’s past?
Several hours at least

How did you find out about your partner’s past?
I read her diary. It confirmed many things she had denied or made light of over the years and it also revealed many things I knew nothing about.

Have you talked to her about your retroactive jealousy and if so what happens?
Yes. Blanket denials. Then during sex one day she brought it up and volunteered that she had never done anything but kiss before the one guy she had admitted having sex with – claimed he was her fiancé. But she only knew him for three months before she met me and promptly (she claims) broke up with him. Although he came to town and she stayed the night with him (a friend saw her come home in the morning). She claims nothing happened. I do not believe her.

Tell us what exactly you’re jealous about in her past?
Her casual attitude towards sex before she met me. She presented herself as very inexperienced and proper when we met. One committed relationship before me and she deeply regretted having premarital sex with him.

Then I learn she dated many guys from the age of fourteen on. Mostly five plus years older than her. Sometimes three different guys in one week. None of them meant anything to her ( her words).

Early on she mentions doing “everything but sex.” Or notes “did not go all the way.” Other times it is how easily she had been to seduce (her words again).

She brags about all the guys she picked up and then dropped the next day. On one second date she did things that she said “I’m too disgusted with myself to write down.” She went in to write a two page poem about how she felt about the guy, his bed, how he knew what he wanted and was good at what he did. “A new experience, although I’ve had it before, it was never like this.”

So as a jealous guy I married a prim and proper almost-a-virgin girl who had actually been extremely sexually actively. I really don’t know how many guys she was with. I do know she was doing at least “everything but sex” multiple time a week with random guys since she was fourteen.

We have been together since we were 19 so the math is not good. I thought I was her second. I might not have been in her first few hundred. She loves to give oral sex to completion. Now I have trouble kissing her wondering how many guys have cum in her mouth.

I also question many things over the years – she often “visits a friend” or goes shopping for many hours but brings little or nothing home. Since I confronted her she has started doing much kinkier stuff in bed – makes me wonder where she learned it.

What bugs you the most about your partner’s past?
Visions of her and the much older Arab guy in his bed doing things too disgusting for her to write down. While her poetic words about him fill my head. She has never written a poem to or about me.

Have you ever snooped through your wife’s personal belongings off or online?
Yes. The diaries had been on a bookcase in our bedroom for many years. I stopped to read one while rearranging some books. Now I snoop in every drawer or box. I check her phone and Facebook and chat history.

If you could get one image out of your head regarding your partner’s past, what would it be?
Her ducking off the older Arab guy.


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