There is one BIG reason why you’re struggling so much to learn how to not be jealous in a relationship — your ego. It’s essential that you learn what it is and how to control it. Here are the three steps you should take right now to help you learn how not to feel jealous in your relationship, starting today:
How To Not Be Jealous In A Relationship Pt.1
— Discover Your Ego
Firstly, the term “ego” is often used to refer to an inflated impression of ourselves. But it’s really our mind’s perception of self, whether it happens to be inflated or not. By “perception of self” I mean anything that you identify strongly with and regard as “you.” This could be anything from your name, to your favorite band, or variety of frozen yoghurt.
Anything with which you form a strong mental attachment becomes part of your sense of self and therefore you ego — or, the part of your mind which says, “this is me.” So, whenever you, or someone else says, “I hate musicals,” or, “I love wrestling,” or, “I’m a member of X political party and I support everything they say!” that’s the ego talking.
However, when the mind identifies a little too strongly with the ego and listens to it too much, it can cause problems. Every bad emotion, argument, fight and war can trace its origins back to the ego. This is because it represents a very black and white view of the world which, in trying to protect us and the things we value, actually does nothing but hold us back and cause pain and suffering.
How To Not Be Jealous In A Relationship Pt.2
— Understand Your Ego’s Effect On Your Relationship
Our partners, of course, get wrapped up by our ego’s into this rigid sense of self. So, when it perceives a threat to our partner, i.e. from an outside attack of another man or woman, it jumps into action to protect itself (us.) Much like how, thousands of years ago, our egoic mind made us run when confronted with an on-rushing bear, today it is operating in the exact same mode of self-preservation when confronted with the perceived threat of your partner having sex with or falling in love with someone else.
By keeping you in a constant state of anxiety regarding your partner’s behavior, it’s trying to protect you from harm, (i.e. being cheated on) by making you think, “What are his real intentions?” “Is she a threat?” “Do I really want to be with someone who likes [insert ‘best friend of the opposite sex’]?”
Your ego is in the driving seat when you are gripped by jealousy in a relationship. Now, this may all sound a little “new agey” if you’re not familiar with it, but it’s important to remember that your ego isn’t “you” or your true self. Your ego is an illusion. Your true self is “consciousness,” “awareness,” or whatever you wish to call it, and embraces the present moment, while your ego fears it. In other words, you are not really jealous, upset or anxious about your partner’s behavior, or threatened by their attractive friends. Your ego is merely tricking you into believing you are.
In a way, however, it’s a good thing that your ego has created this jealousy in your relationship. It means your mind is functioning normally and is just trying to protect you, as it should. The problem of course arises when the ego takes over, balloons the threat out of all proportion and traps the mind in its own prison of repetitive, unwanted thoughts, emotions and behaviors.
How Not To Be Jealous In A Relationship Pt.3
— Watch Your Ego
I tackle the ego full on in my book How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps, but for now here’s a little exercise you can start right now to help you learn more about how it operates:
Take a moment to “watch” your ego. Start by remembering something outside of your retroactive jealousy that’s bugged you in the past month or so. Something like an argument with a rude stranger, or a falling out with a friend.
Dwell on these thoughts and feelings. Mull over all the ways you “messed things up”, and how you’ve been hard done by. Now begin noticing these negative thoughts, rather than reacting to them. Step back and observe these thoughts and emotions whirling away inside you. Become aware that this negativity, which positions you as a “victim”, at loggerheads with an imaginary “enemy,” is emanating directly from your ego.
As I said, I go into this in much more depth in my book on how to not get jealous of your boy or girlfriend’s past. For now, simply practice noticing negative thoughts and emotions as you go about your day. Remove yourself from them and observe them as separate from “you”. Do this and you’ll be taking the first step toward learning how to not be jealous in a relationship.
Onward!
— Jeff
