How To Get Over Girlfriends Past Hookups

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
February 5, 2018

Are you struggling to figure out how to get over girlfriends past hookups? You wake up and—bam—images of them are in your mind. Then they hover around on the periphery of your consciousness all day. Sometimes you even spend a good twenty minutes or so just stewing in them…

Unable to stop thinking about them, you take it out on her by dropping sarcastic comments about her sexual past. Or just flat out starting an argument because she mentioned having once had sex in a car.

Then it’s time for a bit of snooping—checking out her Facebook profile or cell phone, followed by an extensive Google session in which you type in phrases like “how to get over girlfriends past hookups” hoping to finally find some answers.

Then it’s time for bed and… yep, your girlfriend’s past hookups are still there. Sleeping can be tricky some nights. Tossing and turning, dreaming about guys you’ve never met having sex with your girlfriend before she met you.

And let’s not even get started on having sex with her… “Jesus, not now! Get out of my head!!!”

Then when you wake up, the whole thing starts all over again. This cycle of getting anxious and upset about your girlfriends past hookups has been going on for months. Maybe even years. And there’s no end in sight…

Sure, some days are better than others but, on the whole, trying to figure out how to get over girlfriends past hookups seems to be a constant feature of your life now. And you just want it to stop.

You’re done thinking about it. You’re done arguing about it. You’re just done.


But how the hell did you get to this state? How did you develop an extreme jealousy disorder? How did you become obsessed with your girlfriend’s past hookups to the point where it feels like a form of retroactive jealousy OCD that you can’t shift from your mind? After all…

  • You’re good-looking, confident and have loads of friends
  • You’ve successful and have a great job
  • You’ve had even more casual sex than she has
  • You’re confident in your relationship and know she’d never cheat on you
  • You’re “the best in bed I’ve ever had” according to your girlfriend
  • You’re intellectually able to understand how her sexual past is meaningless

And yet… the images of your girlfriend having sex with some random dude(s) are simply stuck in your mind 24/7. You feel like you’ve found the love of your life and she’s wonderful in every way, except for this…

How To Get Over Girlfriends Past Hookups: Accept That You’re Normal

how to get over girlfriends past hookups

You may have heard of the obsessional behavior described above as a “retroactive jealousy disorder” or “retrospective jealousy.” In men this tends to manifest itself as anxiety over a girlfriend’s past hookups. The key, however, is often the fact that it was casual sex, and not within the confines of a committed relationship.

You’re not so worried about how to get over jealousy of an ex and probably don’t care at all that she had much better sex and many more times with her boyfriend of five years. No, it’s those few times she hooked up with a waiter in Barcelona over the summer of 2009 that really gets you.

As irrational as your hang-ups may feel, though, the first step to overcoming retroactive jealousy is to accept that it’s completely normal to feel this way. Due to a whole host of genetic, biological, evolutionary and societal issues, it’s not really your fault that you’re feeling the way you do.

It’s important, therefore, to give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up so much about being hung up on her past hookups. This is key because it means you’ll then be able to stop the self-hatred that often goes hand-in-hand with retroactive jealousy, clearing the way for a more positive outlook on yourself.

How To Get Over Girlfriends Past Hookups: Understand Her Perspective

It’s important to be able to put yourself in your girlfriend’s shoes when it comes to sexual jealousy over her past. Rather than looking at her previous encounters as dirty, immoral acts that she shouldn’t have engaged in, try to see things as bit more from her point of view.

The truth is, there were maybe a ton of different reasons why she once slept with Josh twenty minutes after meeting him at a party. Or had five friends-with-benefits on the go at once. Or had a threesome on holiday in Jamaica.

And the thing is, none of them probably relate to the guys themselves. The fear that they were somehow magic in bed or hung like a horse, is purely in your head—created by your ego in order to keep you afraid and suspicious.

Unlike men, women often have sex for a wide variety of reasons apart from just feeling horny. These include feeling lonely, or lacking in self-confidence and needing a boost, or wanting to experiment and live life to the full as a young adult.

It’s been proven scientifically that we’re all—men and women—biologically programmed to desire sex to try and make ourselves feel better. This is because it increases immunity, improves blood pressure, alleviates stress and improves sleep.

So try to reframe your girlfriend’s past hookups from just immoral indulgence, to a biological act that she sought out because she’s a human being.

How To Get Over Girlfriends Past Hookups: Understand Your Perspective

how to get over girlfriends past hookups

Struggling with getting over a girlfriend’s past can go on for as long as it does when all the various emotions associated with it—fear, jealousy, judgment, envy, etc.—become ingrained in the mind like a broken record.

When images and negative thoughts get stuck in the brain like this, they can be very hard to dislodge because on the one hand the mind knows the past is meaningless, but on the other it feels judgmental, threatened and generally hard done by.

It doesn’t matter when her past sexual hookups happened, what matters is how you react to them in the present. Until you’re able to face up to your own judgmental opinions, anxieties and insecurities, the condition will remain.

So, have a think about what is it within yourself that could be causing these emotions? After all, another man may be dating a woman with far more numerous and risqué hookups than your girlfriend, and yet simply not care about them at all.

This means there’s something about you—about the way you’re interpreting her sexual past—that’s causing you to feel the way you do. Do you feel like you missed out on the kind of sexual experiences she had? Have you been brought up to believe that it’s wrong to have sex before marriage—especially for women? Have you been cheated on before, and so the knowledge that she had casual sex in the past means you worry she may cheat on you?

Once you can pinpoint exactly why you’re reacting to her past hookups in this way while another guy may not be bothered by them at all, you’ll be on your way to dealing with retroactive jealousy.

This is because retrograde jealousy is never really about the past at all. It’s always a symptom of some fear, judgmental outlook, insecurity or regret within yourself. However, discovering what’s causing it within yourself can be hard to do. And even if you do work out why you’re feeling jealous of your girlfriend’s past hookups, it doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly stop thinking about them.

In order to really learn how to get over girlfriends past hookups, there are only two things you need to do:

  • Recognize current negative actions
  • Replace with positive actions

That’s really all there is to learning how to get over your girlfriend’s past and I show you exactly how you can do it step-by-step in my book and course.

If you want some serious retroactive jealousy help, and really want to know how to get over girlfriends past hookups, I also offer one-on-one retroactive jealousy coaching, and so if you have any questions about any of these, feel free to drop me a line any time.



  1. Alfredo Morales says:

    How do I get your book?

  2. Steve in Florida says:

    I would like to know your opinion on this matter. Setting the table i was in a marriage for 32 years now divorced i met a beautiful women and fell in love with her but she has a much different past than i do. She had several failed relationships after her husband committed suicide when her kids were 6 and 10 and now they are 30 and 34. We are both 60 yrs old and sex is the best sex ever for the both of us. I know of her past sexual encounters with these men and i wasn’t an angel either, but my fetish was strippers and hers were normal men relationships. But i live in Florida and she lives in NY. Its a long distance relationship of now 19 months and we have future plans together as I retire in one yr and she retires in 5 yrs, i am gonna be a snow bird 6/6 or 7/5 and when she retires she can go back and forth with me . The other day I fly up special to see her for 4 days cause there are still insecurities i have plus she left Florida on a bad note and i wanted to fix it cause she sent me a wonderful text that encouraged me to fly up and see her. WE ARE AT DINNER , WE WERE EXCITED TO SEE EACH OTHER , I MADE MANY NICE COMMENTS ABOUT HOW SHE LOOKED AND KISSED IT WAS GREAT. THEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PAST CAREERS OF HERS , AND SHE WORKED FOR THIS DOCTOR WHO THEN STARTED DATING HER AND SHE TELLS ME A STORY HOW HE PAID FOR ALL HER TRAVELS AND THE JOB HE PUT HER IN WAS GREAT AND ALL THIS GREAT STUFF ABOUT THE JOB ,,, THEN SHE PAUSES AND SAYS THAT’S AFTER I SUCKED HIS DICK, I GOT PISSED OFF AND DIDN’T TALK MUCH TO HER ANYMORE AFTER THAT COMMENT , THEN WE WHEN GOT BACK HOME SHE SAID , WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME WHAT DID I DO AND I TOLD HER ,,,,,WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME AT A $80 DINNER AND IT RUINED MY TRIP AND COULD NOT GET IT TOGETHER , I TRIED STILL MADE LOVE BUT ITS STUCK IN MY HEAD. THEN I TOLD HER , I NEVER BRING UP PAST SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS I HAD WITH WOMEN AND I TOLD HER BELIEVE ME YOU DON’T WANNA KNOW. AND SHE SAID HER MIND WONDERS AS TO WHAT THAT COULD BE , BUT LIKE I SAID I DONT BRING THAT SHIT UP WITH HER ITS NOT RIGHT. SHE APOLOGIZED AND I TOLD HER WHY DO YOU DO THAT , I ALREADY HAVE RETRO JEALOUSELY.


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