Author: Ricky (40) from England, in a relationship with his girlfriend (30) for 2.5 years.
How long have you suffered from retroactive jealousy?
In most relationships, so 25 years!
How did you find out about your partner’s past?
Mostly through talking to each other. And through social media.
Tell us what exactly you’re jealous about in their past?
I feel that she’s been used in the past and that other people have had the best of her, before me. Not like I wanted to be ‘before’ any of them, just that she’s a bit damaged now (not a lot though).
She used to have a f*ck buddy, who she keeps in touch with as friends (he’s abroad, not local) and although I’m not insecure I sometimes get envious thinking of them have a steamy meet up for sex (she told me) but I know a relationship is different to hook ups but it irritates me a bit, So, jealous of him. But not crazy jealous.
What bugs you the most about your partner’s past?
Where do I start?! She was raped at 18, which when she told me I almost collapsed, not out of disappointment or that she was no good because of that, but because as we were falling in love, it was difficult to take in. We’ve overcome that.
Er, her ex boyfriend is in prison for raping an 85 year old woman (again, I’m 43 but that was a new situation to handle). Although, she didn’t do anything wrong, I wonder if he did that to an old woman, what was he like with her?
She’s never had a proper boyfriend (until me) and I’m not sure if guys have used her (often happens in your 20s) or she’s the common denominator? Probably bit of both.
When we met she said she was quite a sexual person. Cool. But with no boyfriend she must have been with guys, that’s OK. But especially seeing as she’s the first girlfriend I’ve had who doesn’t have a vibrator / dildo to sort herself out.
I went online to find out about the rapist. I’m not on social media, but made an account up and then stupidly started looking her up. It wasn’t good. So, the main problem is social media.
Online she claims to be on a quest to find unicorns. No idea, so I asked. By asking that provoked her, and she said it’s just about the animal. Hmmm? She ran a club night at various London venues that are known for being a bit kinky. So I initially thought, after looking it up, unicorn = threesomes. Think I got that wrong, and was over-reacting, it’s probably more to do with meeting someone spiritual etc (she does holistic therapy). But some of the online flirting posts (twitter etc) I’ve seen, photos with guys are all over her, and even writing smutty comments. Not nice. She called her flat the house of leisure…?
So after talking about it, and that it upset me, she said she’d delete it all. But hasn’t. Needs it for her job. And then we discussed it again, and I said her private life is her private life, not mine, to try and move on. Although I’ve done nothing wrong by looking her up? She / friends posted it, and what I can see is public, what about the private stuff? So she calls me a online psycho sex pest. But without her being able to be honest, I lose patience and look her up. It doesn’t help that she’s all Ms Sexy online, but is the opposite with me, when if we talked about it sensibly, some past stuff is quite funny / a turn on. Possibly the way I ask, or that she’s wanting to not hurt me. But the sex theme is there.
A friend of hers used to be an escort, another has videos online of guys cumming on her (friend’s) face, and another likes group sex. 2+2=5? We’ve talked about sexual history, I’ve had a 3some and a 4some, and experimented with guys, but decided it’s not for me, she’s done similar, but what bugs me is the refusal to be honest (although she has about the rape).
What also bugs me is a rather male hang up….about her appearance. She used to be slimmer, have crazy coloured hair, wear make up and dress up in costumes etc. Not wearing make up now is fine, as she’s pretty, as is the weight thing (10kg heavier) as there’s more to her than just her body. I actually quite like it, although she’s self conscious about getting on top etc, and I think, other guys didn’t have this to think about. It’s awkward to discuss, but can’t thinking she’s let herself go a bit (common problem).
So what bugs me the most is the odd fact that she hasn’t had a boyfriend before late 20s, letting herself go a bit, her past online visibility, and the unknown. If she just said (sounds demanding) she went a bit crazy and had a good time, or feels uncomfortable talking about it etc I’d try and understand. And she has been sort of open about the past so I should get over it.
Have you ever snooped through your partner’s personal belongings off or online?
Yes. Soon after we started I thought there was a guy sniffing around, so I picked up her phone and found a message from the guy. Although I read the messages and she said to him she’d met a nice guy (me) and wanted to make a go of it. Which was nice, but it was driving me nuts that I had an inkling someone was around, so snooped. I confessed and she wasn’t happy, but I got so paranoid I did that. I’ve already metioned the social media thing (is that snooping?).
One other time she lent me her phone so I could look something up, no ulterior motives, and after typing the first letter in it came up with a facebook called ‘the loving news of [her name]” which didn’t open. I was like, what’s this, a specific facebook page just about guys you used to see? Yes, correct. Thought that was a bit weird.
Is your partner still in contact with their ex-lover(s) or does your partner contact them?
I’m divorced and still friends with the ex. Everyone has met up, and behaved like adults. I have another ex from 15 years ago with whom I’m still close, was upfront about it all, and again we’ve all met up, but current girlfriend brings her up in arguments (as she’s insecure?) to get at me.
There is one guy who creeps me out, that I found out they had sex from time to time. This sounds mad but he’s not very good looking(!) She portrayed herself at first, as a bit unattainable and too hot for guys to handle etc, I was like ok, then I found out she went with this guy and was like, him?! He’s gross. I thought he was creepy, and he is. They’re no longer friends (maybe online) but is a bit of a sex pest and it irritates me that she succumbed to him. So after the rows about it, to diffuse the situation, she said it was crap sex, and that he said it was like sleeping with his sister?! FFS, what a put down?! I can’t ever imagine saying that a woman (apart from one of my sisters!). But generally exes aren’t too much of a problem.
Have you met your partner’s ex-lover(s) and if so what happened?
Not met any of them. Seen them online, but not in person. I did say I’d beat one of them up, then realised I was being silly and apologised. I don’t think it’d be a problem, as long as people are grown up about it all. I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable thinking about someone else, not just in love, but in lust with my girlfriend. Is that natural or jealous?
If you could get one image out of your head regarding your partner’s past, what would it be?
When she said she had a foursome (2M ,2F) at university, and was so drunk she didn’t know what was going on (maybe an excuse?) but I found that a disturbing image – as i naturally got all protective – thinking she was being used by guys for sex (maybe not, these things are consensual sometimes) but she said she was hammered, so who knows? Worrying, particularly as she’d been raped. And then that leads on to the other image which is of her in a club possibly doing some polyamorous unicorn thing? We’re all curious, and have desires that need fulfilling, but I find that sort of stuff too much to handle. And I can’t compete with just us 1-on-1.
Is there anything else you’d like to share? Fire away!
Without sounding dramatic we’ve had a bit of a ‘power struggle’. I didn’t realise, duh! Our sex life is great, but occasionally she uses the reward / demand thing. But it hasn’t worked on me. She’s like I can’t go on top, my knee hurts, OK. She’s not crazy about blow jobs – but neither am I. Says, anal sex is off limits, I’m like OK. Done it, not interested.
I have sex toys which she’s quite cool with (tenga, beads, b*tt plug) that I use every now and again. And she knows I watch porn. So she can be understanding, then other times be a bit power crazy by refusing permission etc. And I know there has to be some mystery and effort.
Often, if I cum on her, she licks a bit up (doesn’t really turn me on, but it’s quite horny I suppose). She hasn’t done it for ages though, not that I’m too fussed (arguments) and I asked is there any reason why? A bit like, trying to re-spark something, I like it when you do that etc (it is intimate). Silly question.. Got a silly answer. She said she still does it, but I’m usually getting out of bed to turn the light off so miss it?!
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