Author: Brad (44), male, USA, is married with his wife (44) for 16 years.
VNumber of Brad’s sexual partners:
1
Number of his wife’s sexual partners:
7
How long have you suffered from retroactive jealousy?
22 years
How much time a day do you spend thinking about your partner’s past?
Pretty much all day
How did you find out about your partner’s past?
I met and became friends with my wife when we were 18 years old, and freshmen at college. The first time I saw her I was pretty much in love with her, but she viewed me as only a friend. The problem was that we became such good friends that I became the person she confided in about all of her relationships, and she definitely over-shared when it came to the sex she was having with her then boyfriends. So, I essentially know almost everything about her past, as we were the best of friends even before we became a couple.
Have you talked to them about your retroactive jealousy and if so what happens?
Yes, I’ve talked to my wife about it over the 22 years we’ve been together, but even more so in the last year as my retroactive jealousy has gone into hyper-drive in that time. She’s very understanding about it, and generally tries to put me at ease, but sometimes loses patience with me.
Tell us what exactly you’re jealous about in their past?
The biggest issue is that while she was with 6 guys before me, I was a virgin when we started dating…so while 6 is not a lot, it may as well me a million. Also, the fact that I was her friend throughout almost her entire dating history before we became a couple means that I know way too much about her past than I should I know all their names, the order she dated them in, and was even spurned for two of them at certain points in our friendship when we had what she likes to call our “false starts”.
What bugs you the most about your partner’s past?
It’s a combination of the number of partners she had (6 just seems like a lot over a four year period to me), the fact that I have no past to make me feel better about hers, and that I know so much about her past because we were friends.
Have you ever snooped through your partner’s personal belongings off or online?
Yes. I’ve looked through her Facebook page logged in as her, and have read through the journals she kept from the ages of 18 to 22 when she was dating other people.
Is your partner still in contact with their ex-lover(s) or does your partner contact them?
She was in contact with one of them on Facebook up until four months ago when I insisted she block him. In fact, it was the realization eight months ago that she was “friends” with him on FB that pushed my retroactive jealousy to the crippling level it’s at now.
Have you met your partner’s ex-lover(s) and if so what happened?
I’ve met about half of them…two before we even dated and were just friends…and another lived in our dorm with us when we were in college.
If you could get one image out of your head regarding your partner’s past, what would it be?
The image of her having sex with one particular ex of hers that was abusive towards her, and that she bragged at the time was incredibly well-endowed.
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Brad you are a true man, the level of security that it takes to deal with retroactive jealousy is great. I commend you for that!
So she settled for you? She spent her college years sleeping around with douchebags with big dicks to enjoy yourself, pretty much keeping you around as an insurance policy and giving you just enough attention so you wouldn’t try and find other girls.
Then, at the end of her 4 years of riding the cock carousel, she realized that she didn’t have a long-term relationship to show for herself and that whilst all of her friends were getting married or moving in with their partners, she had no one.
So she settled for you, the nice guy who kept a torch around for her just because none of her college flings had led to anything special.
The fact she was still following one of her exes on Facebook is a red flag especially, seeking some marriage counseling and being more honest with her, regardless if it bothers her or not since it’s how you’re feeling, is the only way to get over this.
Also, ask her if she could go back to being 18 years old, would she date you from the start instead of sleeping around? Her answer should honestly decide whether or not you even stay with her