Is Retroactive Jealousy Therapy A Good Idea? If Not, What Should You Do Instead?

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
April 11, 2017

Are you considering paying a professional counselor or psychiatrist for retroactive jealousy therapy?

Want to learn how to treat jealousy but don’t know if therapy is for you?

Before you pick up the phone and starting ringing around different counselors, read this post first.

In it I am going to present four reasons why I believe paying a traditional counselor for retroactive jealousy therapy is maybe a bad idea.

I will then offer a few free and paid alternatives to retroactive jealousy therapy that you may not have considered.

As someone who’s suffered from retroactive jealousy in the past when I was totally consumed by negative and repetitive thoughts about my girlfriend’s sexual past, I have some experience in this area.

(You can read more about my experiences here: If I Can Learn How To Get Over My Girlfriend’s Past, So Can YOU.)

I even got so desperate I tried retroactive jealousy therapy myself from a professional therapist, so I know what happens on that front too.

But let’s jump right on in and take a look at four questions you should ask yourself if you’re thinking about paying for retroactive jealousy therapy.

1. How Much Time Have You Got?

retroactive jealousy therapy

The first stage involves finding a therapist — but be warned — this can be a very time-consuming and frustrating process.

Once you’ve gone online, typed in “retroactive jealousy therapy” or “therapy for jealousy,” you’ll soon realize that it’s hard to find someone who specializes in jealousy of any kind, let alone retroactive jealousy.

You’ll probably find that most counselors talk in more general terms about “stress,” “depression,” “anxiety,” “relationships” and so on.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just means the chances are you’re not going to find someone who’s able to talk to you with any confidence about curing retroactive jealousy.

Most therapists are also unlikely to have any experience of suffering from retroactive jealousy themselves.

Again, this doesn’t mean that they won’t be able to help you overcome retroactive jealousy, it just means they’re going to use more general techniques to do it.

And they probably won’t be able to take to you or relate to you from personal experience.

This may seem like an inconsequential point, but it’s generally accepted that the only people able to help alcoholics are other alcoholics, and I believe the same is true when it comes to retroactive jealousy.

There are also dozens of different therapeutic methods out there which can make the search pretty confusing if you don’t know much about them.

Should you go for Psychoanalysis? Transpersonal Psychology? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Psychoanalytic Therapy? Couple’s Counseling? The list goes on.

All in all, once you’ve also taken into account the methods, location, qualifications, style and personality of each therapist, the whole process of selecting someone can easily become all-consuming.

2. How Big Is Your Wallet?

retroactive jealousy therapy

Once you have a list of your top three or four therapists who tick all the boxes, the next factor to consider is cost.

Most therapists usually charge anything upwards from $80 an hour. In fact, $80 could be considered pretty cheap.

And that’s just for one session — the “getting to know you” chat in which they’re unlikely to make any headway on beating retroactive jealousy at all.

Chances are that won’t happen until at least six sessions in, but in reality there’s no way of knowing how long it’s going to take for them to be able to help you.

It could be six sessions, or it could be twelve, twenty or more.

A quick look at the maths and things start getting pricey pretty quickly:

Six sessions at the very cheapest rate of $80 an hour comes in at $480, twelve sessions at $960 and twenty at $1600.

And some people engage in retroactive jealousy therapy for years, so while there’s not a definitive answer as to how much it’s all going to cost, you want to be prepared to spend at least $1000.

3. How Effective Is Retroactive Jealousy Therapy?

There’s no guarantee that even after twenty sessions, a therapist will have actually made any inroads at all into defeating your retroactive jealousy.

In fact, this is quite a likely outcome when you consider how most therapists work.

Most psychoanalysis and therapy is very good at coming up for explanations as to why you’re suffering from something, but are not so great on how to prevent you suffering from it.

For example, a therapist might delve into every last detail about your childhood, and come to the conclusion that it has something to do with your retroactive jealousy, but not be so good at articulating how to use this knowledge to stop it.

Some people recommend CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as the best form of retroactive jealousy psychology because, unlike many other treatments, it deals with current problems, rather than focusing on issues from the past.

But when it comes to retroactive jealousy, this can also be a hindrance as it focuses on complicated and time consuming cognitive exercises designed to change your thoughts, with no mention of why you have them in the first place.

4. Are You Prepared To Start Taking Drugs?

retroactive jealousy therapy

Also, if you do go in for retroactive jealousy therapy, psychotherapists can be very quick to offer antidepressants as a retroactive jealousy disorder cure.

But there are questions over whether drugs work? Or, perhaps more importantly, are they safe?

Firstly, despite the fact antidepressants are thought to work by increasing mood-enhancing neurotransmitters such as serotonin and noradrenaline, just how they do this isn’t exactly clear.

Secondly, it’s clear that antidepressant drugs may not be as benevolent as previously thought.

In fact, antidepressants have been shown to sometimes cause serious physiological and psychological side effects, including brain damage, increased risk of suicide, chronic depression, sexual dysfunction, irregular bone development, and a whole host of other complications.

One study found that over 50 percent of people taking antidepressants, succumb to at least one common side effect (Brambilla et al. 2005).

Now let’s take a look at a couple of alternatives to paying a professional therapist for retroactive jealousy therapy.

The first involves a simple mind hack you can start doing straight away to make yourself feel better about your partner’s past.


Start Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy For Free

Getting over retroactive jealousy can be an all-consuming occupation.

I hear from both men and women all the time who say that their boy or girlfriend’s past is the first thing they think about when they wake up, and the last thing they think about before they go to sleep.

All day, in effect, is spent coping with retroactive jealousy about the past rather than living life in the present.

This is no way to live.

And so if you’re having trouble dealing with retroactive jealousy in this way, here’s something you need to always keep in mind.

How to beat retroactive jealousy — A simple mind hack

We tend to suffer from all kinds of problems, but they can roughly be divided into two separate camps:

  • Real problems
  • False problems

Real problems are obviously things like being deep in debt, watching a loved-one slowly die, coping with life in a wheelchair, etc.

These are real problems that many of us have to deal with on a daily basis.

There are also real problems that affect us in the moment — for example, being attacked by someone, sitting on a plane that might crash, or being chased by a bear while out hiking, etc.

Whether they’re real problems about an over-arching “life issue” or a life threatening event in the moment, the fact is they’re of serious concern to our well-being.

False problems, on the other hand, are not.

These kind of problems include being afraid of giving a speech, talking to an attractive stranger in a bar, or regretting something you did three years ago.

These false problems are generated by the mind and are therefore not really problems at all.

Our minds have created them.

Retroactive jealousy OCD and being imprisoned in a constant state of anxiety about our boy or girlfriend’s past romantic or sex life is, of course, a false problem.

Always remember retroactive jealousy OCD is a false problem

It’s all too easy to continue going about your day letting retrospective jealousy consume you.

But if you remember that it’s a false problem generated by your mind, then you’ll be able to put some distance between yourself and your anxiety.

Whenever you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed by jealous thoughts, take a step back and tell yourself:

This is a false problem.”

“This is not something that can really hurt me.”

“It’s just something that’s been created by mind.

Doing this will make getting over retroactive jealousy that much easier.

So that’s a free little mind hack that should help you in your fight to overcome retroactive jealousy, but now let’s take a look at a paid option.

(But an option that’s not as pricey as retroactive jealousy therapy from a professional therapist)


Get Retroactive Jealousy Therapy From Me — Someone Who’s Actually Beaten It

retroactive jealousy therapy

If you’re thinking about paying someone to learn about the psychology of jealousy and how to get over it — hang on.

As I’ve laid out, it’s pretty expensive and there’s really not much need for it when you can learn the psychology behind jealousy and come up with a program of retroactive jealousy therapy by yourself.

With a little help from me, of course.

If you need help getting over retroactive jealousy and actually beating it, check out my personal one-on-one retroactive jealousy therapy coaching package.

It offers the most comprehensive step-by-step plan you can find anywhere online to getting over retroactive jealousy and finally eradicating it once and for all.

We work on it together until you’ve beaten your jealousy for good. Simply purchase one of the packages here and then email me with your story.

I’ll get back to you straight away to let you know I’ve received your email and will suggest a time we can talk.

There are a few coaching options available to you.

One-on-One Skype

This is great option as we’ll be able to talk (face-to-face or not, it’s up to you) about your condition and how to get over it.

Each session lasts up to one hour and you can book up to one a week.

1 Month Email Coaching

In this option we will email each other back and forth. Email me as often or as little as you like.

Or, alternatively, you can mix and match these options.

If retroactive jealousy therapy coaching isn’t for you, I also have a book The Ultimate Retroactive Jealousy Cure: How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past in 12 Steps.


In this I give you the exact blueprint you’ll need to learn how to get over retroactive jealousy in your relationship.

And finally, yet another alternative is my courseOvercoming Retroactive Jealousy 101.

This packs even more information and practical exercises into helping you get over your obsessive thoughts about your partner’s sexual history than the book and you also get free retroactive jealousy therapy included.


— Jeff

  1. Zapya says:

    This is right. I’ve been in counceling now for 4 months and don’t feel any better about my wife past.

  2. Harry Block says:

    I was spending 80 quid a month on counselling with a “therpist” over my rj but she did nothing. Just talk talk talk until I gave up. Jeff your right its a complete waste of money.

  3. Kate Free says:

    My boyfriend of 5 years has rj over my sexual past from 40 years ago! We went to school together (met in 6th grade) and he said he loved me since that time, which I had no knowledge of whatsoever. We both married at age 23, and both divorced after long-term marriages (25-30 years). Both our marriages were loveless and abusive.

    We found each other on facebook and started chatting. We decided to meet after 4 months of chatting, and felt completely connected as soon as we hugged. Now after 5 years he asked if I had been with a certain person and I answered yes. At the time I was 17 years old…I’m now 57. He’s been giving me with silent treatment on and off, going through bouts of depression, says he feels sad all the time. All because of something that happened 40 years ago; and we weren’t even dating!

    When we first started dating, he was telling me about past relationships he had, which at the time I had to tell him I don’t need to know. The past is the past. Now that he has a peek into my past, he can’t handle it. I don’t know how to help him, but I also cannot continue to be punished for my past when I did nothing wrong.
    Any advice?

  4. Clare says:

    I’ve finally at 48 found my soul mate , I can truly say I’ve never been so happy, so in love and so sad all at once it’s crazy.
    My boyfriend confided after seeing each other a couple of months that he had RJ .
    Unfortunately I’ve made several bad choices in the past. after 3 failed marriages ( 1 child to each ‍♀️)
    I know the picture everyone has of me now imagine how my gorgeous partner that suffers with RJ sees me when he’s having an episode.
    I’ve never cried so much on my own , in the car , in the shower ……
    I just want to know there’s some hope I love this man and I know he loves me & we both want to make it work .
    He had a therapist for a quite sometime & has given him some good strategies ( we were both going to start seeing her)
    Then we got the news she’s moved away .
    Please help !!!he’s honestly the most amazing person but RJ is tearing us apart – I can never be angry with him after everything I’ve read it’s such a horrible condition I just want to get him better not just for me , us …. But for him

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