If I Can Learn How To Get Over My Girlfriend’s Past, So Can YOU

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
April 17, 2017

Do you often wonder, What on earth do I have to do to learn how to get over my girlfriend’s past? 

Is your mind consistently filled with negative thoughts about who she once dated or how much sex she had, or what kind of sex she had?

Or maybe all of the above?

And has this has been going on now for months, years, or even decades?

Firstly, you may not be aware of this but there’s a name for what you’re suffering from:

It’s called “retroactive jealousy”, but also sometimes known as “retrograde jealousy” and “retrospective jealousy”.

But don’t worry, you’re not alone. In fact, there are many guys out there suffering from the same condition and feeling the exact same way:

Insecure, angry, frustrated, cheated, confused, anxious, judgmental, ashamed, envious, desperate, jealous and so on.

I used to be one of these guys.

I used to feel exactly as you do you right now, but in this post I want to show you how you don’t have to go on like this.

I want to show you how you can go from wondering, how to get over my girlfriend’s past? to taking action to make it happen.

How I Became Obsessed With My Girlfriend’s Sexual History

how to get over my girlfriend’s past

I can remember the exact moment my retroactive jealousy was sparked into life.

It was two a.m. and I was asleep in bed with my new girlfriend. Let’s call her “Emma.”

Her phone rang, waking us up. She didn’t answer it…

A few moments later it rang again. Again, she ignored it…

Finally, it vibrated with the arrival of a text message…

She read the text, and I asked who it was. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my first mistake.

Turns out that, yep – you’re way ahead of the game – it was a former sex buddy casually wondering if she was free for more quality “buddy time.”

Emma politely declined the request, but he found it strangely hard to take the hint.

A little extra spice was added to all this when, over the coming weeks, a couple of other former lovers joined him in enquiring as to her “buddy time” availability.

This, it seems, was due to her having only just returned to town after being absent for six months in France.

And so began my descent into retroactive jealousy OCD hell.

I say “OCD” because that’s what it was:

Near-constant repetitive images and “mini-movies” of her with these other guys.

Day after day after day, with no sign of letting up.

The more I thought about it – who she used to have sex with, and how I could stop thinking about it – the worse it got.

I tried everything to find a retroactive jealousy cure but nothing seemed to work.

These ranged from the harmful to the bizarre:

  • trawling the internet for information
  • burning guys’ names written on pieces of paper
  • quizzing Emma about her past
  • snooping through her personal belongings
  • making her delete guys she’d slept with on Facebook
  • writing each other love letters
  • writing myself letters
  • mind exercises: “just rocket the image out of your mind – whoosh!”
  • making sarcastic comments and starting arguments

And so on…

If I Can Learn How To Get Over My Girlfriend’s Past, So Can YOU

how to get over my girlfriend’s past

Chances are that if you’re reading this post, you’re going through a similar form of mind-bending, unfathomable pain caused by obsessively thinking about your wife or girlfriend’s past.

Maybe you’ve asked for help with how to get over my girlfriend’s past and been told cliches like:

“Just move on. Get over it.”

“They love you now, not them.”

“Their past has made them who they are.”

As well-intentioned as these nuggets of wisdom are, they’re of little use to someone struggling with overcoming retroactive jealousy.

Intellectually you know you they’re right – you should just “get over it” – but how?

Here’s an example of the kind of emails I often receive. (I’ve changed the name.)

Hi Jeff,

I’ve been trying various things but still need to know how to get over my girlfriends past.

I’ve been seeing a counselor for a while but it doesn’t really help.

My girlfriend is the best and I love her dearly.

I’m just at my wits end and having been fighting this for so long I’m getting worn out.

There are times that I feel better for a day, sometimes days, sometimes weeks.

This last time I was good for a few weeks. I can’t say 100% good but I didn’t let it get me down.

But I want to know how to move forward with a good feeling in my heart every day.

Any thoughts or words of advice are appreciated.

Thanks a lot,


While this is a valid question in many respects, it’s not really getting to the heart of the problem.

This is because the problem is not with Carl’s girlfriend’s past.

The problem is within Carl himself.

How To Start Getting Over Your Girlfriend’s Past

how to get over my girlfriend’s past

If, like Carl, you want to know how to beat retroactive jealousy, the question you should be asking yourself is not:

How do I get over my girlfriend’s past?


How can I work on myself?

The reason why the second question is better than the first is because, your girlfriend’s sexual past doesn’t exist in any meaningful sense.

There’s nothing actually either physically or mentally that you need to “get over”.

It’s a moment in time that doesn’t exist anywhere outside of your own head.

You know all this, of course, on an intellectual level.

The problem is that you still feel like your girlfriend’s past matters because it’s affecting you emotionally.

You’re having an emotional reaction to past events that don’t exist.

But in life it’s not events themselves that are ever a problem, it’s our emotional reaction to them.

Likewise, it’s not your wife’s romantic past or girlfriend’s sexual history that’s the problem, it’s your emotional reaction to it.

In order to answer the question of, how to get over my girlfriend’s past? you need to first stop thinking of her past as a problem that needs to be gotten over.

You need to reframe your mind to forget about your girlfriend’s history and instead focus on yourself, because that’s where all the work needs to be done.

The first thing that will help getting over girlfriend’s past is to have a think about why you in particular may be suffering from retroactive jealousy.

What is it about you, your upbringing, your attitudes, etc. that you think may be contributing to these negative feelings?


All jealousy — including retroactive jealousy over a girlfriend’s past — is a deep-rooted, primeval form of fear.

What are you afraid of?

Are you on some level insecure?

Do you tend to judge people? and not just your girlfriend?

Examining yourself and why you may be suffering from retroactive jealousy is a good place to start.

How I Learned How To Get Over My Girlfriend’s Past — The Good News

how to get over my girlfriend’s past

If you’re wondering how to get over a girlfriend’s past, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that it’s not as hard as you think.

The bad news is that it takes a great deal of effort to do so.

But like I say, it’s not impossible.

As I said, I used to be where you are now: trapped in a never-ending cycle of negativity.

Just like you, I used to be plagued by repetitive thoughts and emotions over my girlfriend’s past sex life.

Maybe, like me, your girlfriend’s past is the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing before you go to sleep.

But it’s important to realize that these negative thoughts and emotions are just that — thoughts and emotions.

They’re not permanent fixtures within you forever more.

Thoughts are generated by the brain and pop in and out.

They can’t physically harm you. And neither can emotions.

They’re just sensations felt in the body. And like thoughts, they come and go randomly.

Once I realized the impermanence of both my thoughts and emotions I began slowly to learn how to get over a girlfriend’s sexual past.

How I Learned How To Get Over My Girlfriend’s Past — The Bad News

how to get over my girlfriend’s past

Maybe “bad” is too strong a word.

The truth is, by bad I just mean it takes hard work.

While my retrograde jealousy wasn’t as ingrained within me as I thought, it still required a great deal of effort to cure it.

I realized, for example, that it’s virtually impossible to learn how to get over a girlfriend’s past by simply thinking about it.

I discovered that I couldn’t get over retroactive jealousy simply by realizing how irrational or silly it is.

If this were the case I’d have stopped suffering from it as soon as I heard Emma say, “the past is the past”.

Unfortunately life’s not that easy.


What work does learning how to get over a girlfriend’s past entail?

Granted, thinking about things in a rational way can certainly help.

But you need to be organized about it.

There are certain thoughts and beliefs that you need to ingrain in your mind, replacing the negative thoughts and beliefs you currently hold about your girlfriend’s romantic or sexual past.

As well as replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts there are also a number of practical and physical things you need to do.

Through a combination of mind-based and practical-based exercises it’s possible to cure retroactive jealousy relatively quickly.

But it does require effort.

This means daily effort, not just doing a bit here and then when the mood strikes.

And I detail just what these exercises are in my book.

In all the time I was plagued by retroactive jealousy and searching for the answer, something was working…

My mind was taking on board a substantial amount of information as I searched, but behind the scenes, almost without me realizing, I was getting closer to the answer.

Over time I began to realize that certain positive thoughts and concepts seriously helped to quell jealous feelings more than others.

I ended up focusing on several key concepts that really helped me to see my situation in a much clearer light.

Within a couple of months, these concepts – coupled with daily practical exercises – had eliminated my jealous thoughts about my girlfriend’s sexual past.

After finally curing my retroactive jealousy disorder, I decided to put everything I knew into a book.

I wanted to help fellow sufferers of this debilitating and confusing condition regain control of their mind, and their life.

I wanted to show people how to get over retroactive jealousy as quickly and painlessly as possible.

And this is exactly what you can start doing right now.

Stop wondering how to get over my girlfriend’s past and crush your retroactive jealousy disorder, in twelve simple steps. Click on the button below to grab a copy of The Ultimate Retroactive Jealousy Cure: How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past in 12 Steps.




— Jeff

  1. Ed says:

    Hi thank you for posting this, I was currently having those thoughts so I googled something to help me and i found this, sk glad I did. I am 19 and my gf is 24; we’ve been together a little over a year, she’s older than me so even though we’ve had same amount of partners I somewhat feel jealous and envy her but I don’t mean to. She’s older so I go back to things that she did in college, with random guys that got what I currently get as to “affection” or go back to past flings or serious ex bf’s which she’s had 3. I get upset bc she did certain things w them or felt a certain way about them that she doesn’t do w me or bc she’s done it w them and found out she doesn’t like it or just simple doesn’t wanna do it again makes me question why them and not me? After all I’ve done or do (not saying I deserve a reward or anything) but how come those losers and cheaters and not someone like me. Especially after I quizzed her a couple months ago like you said in your blog and i found out things that i had no idea of. And some of those things were done with people she’s still friends with or close to to this day. Idk if I’m in the wrong for not wanting her to be friends w them or I’m just exaggerating and being jealous. I don’t know if i resent her for her relationships, for her young single life, or her experienced life especially me being the age that I am and probably won’t get the same experiences or better ones that she got. I love this girl I do but it makes me think sometimes “so this this just my “experience” That’s not supposed to be permanent” why do I feel like the past people got her all and because of them I’m not getting the same.

  2. Si says:

    I have suffered with this diagnosis for 24 years, I never realised it was a condition.
    I am happily married for 20 years and her past and knowing about well endowed boyfriends nearly destroyed us early on.
    I have had episodes of this struggle,sometimes years apart throughout our marriage but we managed to get through it mainly down to her understanding as even I accept she done nothing wrong as I did’nt even know her but I had heard things and it kept playing in my mind.
    I’ve tried to deal with it many ways but it always crops up and in it’s last manifestation has cost me getting an erection with my wife thinking of how her ex was well endowed.
    It sounds stupid after such a long time but it has made me research and thankfully find this page and refreshingly realise I’m not the only one.

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