Retroactive Jealousy Help: Avoid these 4 Dilemmas

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
June 10, 2017
Retroactive Jealousy Help

Do you need immediate retroactive jealousy help because you’re thinking of doing something you know you shouldn’t?

Something like…

  • refusing to go to places associated with your partner’s past
  • snooping through their personal belongings
  • cheating to increase your experience
  • breaking up because you can’t handle their past

This post will (hopefully) make you stop and think before doing any of the above.

Now, it’s impossible for me to know exactly what kind or what type of retroactive jealousy help you personally need without having spoken to you.

You’d be amazed at the range of circumstances retrospective jealousy sufferers email me about.

Some people are struggling to get over the fact their partner has had threesomes, f*** buddies, and used SA (seeking arrangement) websites.

On the other end of the spectrum, others are still hung up on a relationship their partner had twenty years ago.

Some people don’t need much retroactive jealousy help at all. After reading a blog post on overcoming retroactive jealousy, they’re able to pretty much move on.

Others need retroactive jealousy therapy, want to break up with their partner or, in extreme cases, think about suicide.

In other words, use this post to help you stop, take a deep breath, and think.

This retroactive jealousy help comes without waffling cliches you may be used to, like “The past has made them who they are”.

I’m going to tackle the four most common dilemmas I receive via email, and offer my retroactive jealousy help for each.

Then it’s up to you to take the next step: either on your own, by reading my retroactive jealousy book, or via cost-effective coaching.

So, let’s get started.

(PS: Men and women tend to suffer from retroactive jealousy in different ways, and for more information on this, check out this retroactive jealousy definition.)

1. Retroactive Jealousy Help For Those Wanting To Boycott Certain Places


The dilemma:

“I’m about to go on holiday with my boyfriend to the same resort he goes to every year. But it’s somewhere he’s been with his ex-girlfriends too, and I’ve seen pictures. I’m absolutely dreading it, because I feel like I’m just “the next one” and we’re going be doing all the things he used to do with past lovers, even sleeping in the same bed! In my mind (and because I looked for photographs) they had an outstanding time there, and any time I would have there with him would just not compare. I have no desire to go. Any tips for how I can get through the trip?” — Kathryn P.

“I am supposed to be meeting a relative at a destination where I know that my girlfriend has been to with a guy she used to see, who I know. I am terrified and may have to avoid going for the time being until I can get past this. How do I begin to be comfortable going to places that I know my girlfriend has been to with other boys?” — Isaac N.

My retroactive jealousy help:

I know what you mean — it can be tough being in the same place you know stuff in the past happened, and it may always trigger some sort of response in you.

Personally my girlfriend’s sexual past still pops into my head occasionally when we go to places associated with her past, but now it’s such an insignificant event it just pops in and pops out again.

I think once we hear facts about our partner’s sexual past it’s a bit unrealistic to expect never to think about it again. Especially when we’re in the same location as stuff that happened in the past.

It’s a bit like death — no one likes to think about it and so we avoid thinking about it, but very occasionally it will pop in.

The trick is to not stress out when it does and try to forcibly stop thinking about it.

This is half of what keeps people suffering from retroactive jealousybeing scared of suffering from retroactive jealousy.

Instead, try to just acknowledge the thought as a silly interference, without dwelling on it and letting it overpower your mind.

When you’re on the trip, or going to a particular local destination, avoid letting your jealousy cause friction between you and your partner.

Make a conscious effort to suppress talking about their ex-lovers or getting into arguments about the past.

Rather, go for the exact opposite approach to being jealous — be SUPER FUN and exciting.

Make this the BEST TRIP they’ve ever had, because they’re with the BEST PARTNER they’ve ever had.

Maybe you could do something extra special in bed? Are there places nearby they’ve never been to? Or things he’s never done?

Make it a unique trip, special to you and your partner and you should find the past will not matter at all, for you or for him.

It can be tough to do, but staying in the present moment is the only way to go, whether you’re visiting somewhere else or living day by day.

My book is full of further information on this and other ways to formulate a retroactive jealousy cure.

2. Retroactive Jealousy Help For Those Thinking Of Snooping

retroactive jealousy help

The dilemma:

“I sought her out on social media, and I have started an exhilarating(!) new hobby of looking at photos of her and comparing myself. She is prettier, more popular, has a better life in my opinion, and I don’t know why I torment myself by looking. Any information I get, I have an ‘a-ha!’ moment and I think to myself, ‘I knew it!’ and I feel a sort of betrayal.” — Jane B.

“One thing I am doing now that I really, really want to change is my snooping. I’m like a CIA agent — I’ve managed to hack into her emails, Facebook, and phone. I know it’s a violation of her privacy and I feel guilty for not trusting her, but sure enough I always find some fodder for my craziness when I go snooping. It’s harmless stuff, mostly from before she even met me, but for some reason I seem to be addicted and now I can’t stop. Why do we like to cause ourselves pain?” — Mike S.


My retroactive jealousy help:

An activity like snooping through your partner’s personal belongings is simply keeping your jealousy at the front of your mind and should be cut out immediately.

You’re never going to get over retroactive jealousy by engaging in this activity and so it’s really up to you how much you want to beat retroactive jealousy OCD.

As I’ve described in a previous post, invading someone’s personal space is a manifestation of negative thoughts and emotions.

To do this means you’re being controlled by your ego and, in turn, want to control your partner, which isn’t the best basis for a relationship.

You think that by finding out some secret information, you’ll have a better understanding of the past situation and therefore will be able to get over it.

Maybe on some level you want to catch your partner out?

You want to discover some facts that don’t correspond to their version of events so you can say “Ha, I knew it!” and rub their face in whatever “truth” you’ve found out.

The trouble is, all that ever happens when you go snooping around is you may make yourself feel one hundred times worse.

This is because you’re just bring the past into the present and make your partner’s actions feel even more real than do right now.

It’s very, very hard to get a photo of your partner draped all over an ex-lover (or worse) once you’ve seen it. (Trust me, I’ve been there.)

So, don’t make this a possibility.

Not to mention the fact that you’ll also be running the risk of getting caught and undermining the relationship even further.

3. Retroactive Jealousy Help For Those Thinking Of Cheating To Gain Experience


The dilemma:

“I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few weeks now and I just found out he’s slept with seventy women. We’re both twenty-four and I’ve only ever been with three boys. I feel betrayed, and like I can’t trust him anymore. I’m thinking about sleeping with a guy who I know likes me at work to make myself feel better. It feels like only by having more sex will I be able to get past this.” — Jennifer W.

“My main issue is that because her experiences outweigh mine, both in number and variety, I can’t see how I am going to get over this without covering the same ground as she has. That means having many more sexual encounters, changing my policy of only having sex in committed relationships, and so on. I reach this conclusion that by doing so, I will desensitize myself to a woman’s past because I will be able to match it.” — Zach T.

My retroactive jealousy help:

My first piece of advice is this: if you really like this girl/guy, don’t jeopardize your relationship by sleeping with other people.

You’ll only live to regret it because one of two things will happen:

  • you’ll get found out and they’ll break up with you
  • the guilt will overwhelm you and you’ll confess (or drive yourself crazy)

The truth is, there’s not much logic to wanting to sleep with other people in order to push up your number and put you both on an “equal footing”.

You won’t learn how to deal with your retroactive jealousy disorder by having more sex.

Let’s say you sleep with five people to match your partner’s total.

Your retroactive jealousy won’t magically disappear and the reason is because it’s being generated by fear and judgment.

Neither of which have anything to do with the number of sexual partners you’ve had.

Many people who’ve had the same or more sexual experience than their partners, still suffer from retroactive jealousy.

And this is because it’s all about the sufferers’ reaction to a partner’s sexual past, not the circumstances of the sexual past itself.

The only way it’ll go away, therefore, is when you start to work on your fear and judgment, which is what I show you how to do in my retroactive jealousy course.

retroactive jealousy help

4. Retroactive Jealousy Help For Those Thinking Of Breaking Up


The dilemma:

“I find that I am comparing myself non-stop to people that I don’t know and therefore can never ‘win’ against. My boyfriend’s most recent ex was a model, and I have seen photos, so obviously that has been a tough battle for me. He’s also mentioned that their relationship was very sex-based. As women, we know how important looks and sex are to men, so it’s hard to convince myself that he’s actually happier with me, even though he calls me the love of his life. I’m thinking of breaking up with him just so this torment will end.” — Emily M.

“Jeff, please help! My RJ is so bad I’m seriously considering ending the relationship. Everything apart from my jealousy is great. She’s beautiful, loves me, and I love her. But she’s slept with 25 guys (I think). Only two were proper relationships. The rest were all f*** buddies, one-night-stands, casual hook-ups, and god knows what else, aaarrrrgh! I want to be with her but I don’t think I can take it if I can’t get these images of her being taken by Tom Dick and Harry out my head.” — Harry S.

My retroactive jealousy help:

Retrograde jealousy has an amazing way of making things that are really of no importance seem super important.

When the past goes round and round in our minds it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that it’s doing so because it’s somehow significant.

In reality there’s only a problem because your ego has convinced you there’s a problem, not because there is.

I can only think of three legitimate reasons why you might want to break up with your partner:

  • you have strong evidence to suggest that they’ve already cheated on you or may cheat on you in the future.
  • your moral compass is pointing in the opposite direction from theirs. In other words, their past is a deal breaker.
  • you’re not that into them and quite like the idea of being single and “sowing some wild oats” anyway.

On the other hand if your relationship is great, their past is something you believe you can and should get over, then don’t throw everything away over something so silly.

I presume that eventually you’ll want to settle down again?

  • but what if your new boyfriend’s ex was also a beautiful model?
  • what if your new girlfriend has had the same or even more casual sex than your current one?

The truth is, it’s unlikely that you’re going to find your ideal partner who also just so happens to have had your idea of a perfect past.

Whether that’s dating unattractive, non-threatening women, or only having slept with one guy: her ex boyfriend.

Rather than destroy a perfectly good relationship in order to seek out someone who has your preferred past, a better approach is to learn to accept the past your current partner has.

You’ll just lose a great boy or girlfriend and have to start all over again with someone new, but have the same problems within yourself.

This is because, as I’ve already mentioned, the problem is within you, not your partner’s past.

Get retroactive jealousy help right now. Click on the button below to purchase my retroactive jealousy book The Ultimate Retroactive Jealousy Cure: How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past in 12 Steps, and get started learning how to get over jealousy of an ex today.


retroactive jealousy help



  1. Barry says:

    I just discovered this site and I wanted to speak to the story of ‘Colin’ thinking that sleeping with more people so his next girl will have slept with leas than him and thus it wil no longer bother him.

    I hate to say it Colin, but I have been where you are and understand your mindset and how you believe it will help. After my last relationship I took a similar view and slept with many women thinking I had evened the playing field, that now my next partner will have less lovers than me so it won’t bother me; I was wrong.

    I am currently in a relationship with someone who has less than half the number of lovers than me (and i have had a few) and STILL I am suffering in retroactive jealousy. The truth is she could have only one past lover and retroactive jealousy will be there. Even when I do try to lower the ‘boom’ of her past by comparing her history to mine, it seldom helps and only for a short while and now I carry the baggage of a less than steller past.

    I feel your pain my friend and know this is frustrating but the work is the way not this. Stay strong.


  2. Claire says:

    Finally someone who knows what they’re talking about when it comes to RJ! Thank you so much Jeff!

  3. Simon says:

    I was at my wits end before I found this site. You’ll be hearing from me soon Jeff. Cheers!

  4. Rachel says:

    I’m going to sign up for your coaching program as soon as I can. It’s good to know you’ve been through jealousy and come out the other side. Hope you can help me too!

  5. Alonzo says:

    I need to to thank you for this good read!! I absolutely loved every little bit of it. I’ve got you book-marked to check out new things you post.

    1. NN says:

      I came across this article when i was searching for answers for RJ and whether to break up with my bf or not. For me, my RJ started when i was young with my partner‘s sexual past and also past in general (i was with him for 7 years, my first bf too) but now that i‘m older and slept with quite a few men, i‘m more concerned about the actual past. I had a long distance relationship with this 7 year ex but since both of us being young, we shared a lot of our first experiences together. Now my current bf, i cannot imagine what he‘s had. Something i learnt about RJ is i never disclose my past or i tell them straight away that i don‘t want to hear anything about their past. So my current bf and i never talk about our pasts but at the beginning, he would unknowingly make comments but now those comments about the past are stuck in my head. I want to even avoid going to his parents‘ place, go to his family holiday house. I even dread meeting his friends. He wants to move in with me next year (i couldn‘t live with my long time ex cos of the distance and uni issues) but i just feel like running away from all this. I feel like a mere replacement and him just repeating the similar things he did before.
      I told myself he doesn‘t deserve to be treated this way since he gives me so much love but i find myself depression coming back, and hopelessness. I just want to go back to ex just cos i know i won‘t have these problems with him because we shared so many first experiences.
      I feel like dying inside everyday

  6. Heather says:

    This is a great help. Thank you Jeff. Hugs Hx

  7. Faith says:

    Hey, thanks for the article, my boyfriend suffers from RJ, first it was the images, later on the sex then he wanted to sleep around to cover the same ground. Always questioning me about my past. Now it’s trust. Which is harder to deal with. At the time we were friends each dating other people. He told me a guy I was dating wasn’t good, I still dated him but we later broke up. Now he says I didn’t trust him then so we have no trust in our relationship.

  8. Nikki says:

    Thank you Jeff, great post and site. 🙂

  9. Zeus says:

    I defintely do three out of these 4. Not good.

  10. Anto says:

    I didn’t sleep with my girlfriend but her ex did . when I knew about this RJ came up and spoiled it . Since , we work at the same office I couldn’t resist her or leave her . So , does sleeping with her will cure my RJ ?

    1. Vitaliy P says:

      No. Sleeping with her will only bring you closer and attach you to her some more. Then, the real torment will begin. If you want a meaningful relationship- work first, play later. I guarantee you if you know there’s a problem already this will not just magically resolve.

  11. Christina says:

    My boyfriend has secret conversations with other women. He also did this with his ex girlfriend and not in a just friends or co-parenting type of conversations. No I did not go snooping for that information. He forgot his phone and she started blowing it up on snap chat. Now I am super insecure, jealous and constantly afraid he his looking for someone new. Do this still fall under RJ ?

  12. Liam says:

    Currently struggling with dealing with my fiance’s previous drunken MMF that she had with 2 of her exes friends. I found out 11 years into our relationship. We have 3 children, but I just feel like I want to leave her or die. She has been supportive but the thoughts won’t stop. Even talked about being more experimental in the relationship, but I can’t help both judging her, feeling like the relationship isn’t equal, but also wishing I was one of the men that had to share the woman I love when I get her to myself. Please Help!

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