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Your Girlfriend’s Sexual Past Disturbs You. Your Fault Or Hers?

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
August 30, 2016
girlfriend’s past

Does your girlfriend’s past — all those one-night stands, casual hook-ups with “friends-with-benefits”, threesomes, etc. — make you feel like throwing up? If so, is it okay that you feel this way?

Hell yeah. It burns me up to think of how many guys she’s banged, and that ain’t my fault!” I’m sure many guys would say, or words to that effect.

While this reaction generally comes from a place of judgment, there may also be some truth to the notion that a wife or girlfriend can be partly to blame for causing and fermenting retrospective jealousy.

But hold your horses — I’m not saying you’re off the hook when it comes to dealing with retroactive jealousy.

You’re not going to get over retroactive jealousy OCD by “talking it out” with your partner or getting them to change anything. You get over retroactive jealousy by working on yourself.

That said, a case can be made for using your wife or girlfriend’s role in your retroactive jealousy to alleviate some of the resentment you’re feeling.

Resentment And Your Girlfriend’s Past

Part of the reason why you may be finding getting over a girlfriend’s sexual past so hard is because you’re full of resentment.

Resentment is kind of the evil twin of judgment and it is the source of much of the negativity that goes hand-in-hand with retrograde jealousy.

I’m going to use my own experience with resentment and retroactive jealousy as an example, as it’s pretty typical among guys.

My underlying lack of confidence and judgmental attitude about my girlfriend’s past was the driving force behind my retroactive jealousy.

But another factor was my resentment at the way she behaved while I was suffering from the condition.

Here’s a quick rundown of some of the things I was resentful of:

  • she talked an awful lot about her former hook-up buddies
  • she flirted with other guys when she went on nights out with her friends
  • she deleted all her ex-hook-up buddies on Facebook except for one — the one guy I was most jealous of
  • she often changed her story about the past
  • she said things like “2011 was the best year of my life” — her year of casual sex
  • she sometimes remarked how “cool” and “hot” her ex-hook-up buddies were

Maybe you recognize some of the above, maybe you don’t, but it’s not uncommon for resentment to build up over these kinds of things, which ends up fueling retroactive jealousy.

What To Do About Your Resentment

If you want to overcome retroactive jealousy, it’s a good idea to face up to any resentment you may be feeling toward not only your girlfriend’s past but toward their handling of it. 

Make a list of all the things they’ve done or said that bug you.

Once you have the list, make a concerted effort to see each point from their perspective.

Often, just because they said or did something that hurt you, doesn’t mean they did it to hurt you on purpose.

  • maybe she didn’t really mean it
  • maybe she has a poor memory
  • maybe she didn’t realize she was hurting you
  • and so on

There can be a million reasons why your girlfriend has unwittingly caused your retroactive jealousy to flourish, but it doesn’t mean it’s not still up to you to get over it.

What you can do, however, is tell her to stop talking about the past, for example, if it hurts you whenever she brings it up.

Women tend to talk about ex-boyfriends (and the causal sex they’ve had) when they feel 100% comfortable with someone. And also often because they have no idea it might not be what a guy wants to hear.

So try not to hold things like this against them.

In the end, it’s up to you to get over retroactive jealousy but it’s also okay to let her know when she’s overstepping the mark when it comes to her past.

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For a comprehensive course in how to beat retroactive jealousy and a girlfriend’s past…

GIRLFRIEND’S SEXUAL PAST

3 Comments
  1. Lowell says:

    You guys are jokers. As if women live by different moral code than men.

  2. Alex says:

    Why do women find the need to always bring up guyz who they fucked?

  3. Jimmy says:

    It’s definitely her fault. If she didn’t keep blabbing about who she screwed before we met I wouldn’t be in this mess!

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