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I wanted to lose my virginity to another virgin, now I can’t handle his past

 

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Featured In
by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Stories
February 21, 2017
LOSE MY VIRGINITY

Author: Tina (20), female, in a committed relationship with her boyfriend (21)

Number of her sexual partners:

1

Number of her boyfriend’s sexual partners:

4

How long have you suffered from retroactive jealousy? 

Years. However, I had never been in a relationship before this one, so it never got this bad.

How much time a day do you spend thinking about your partner’s past? 

1-3 hours depending on the day

Have you talked to them about your retroactive jealousy and if so what happens? 

Yes. He is very understanding and patient. He asks me what he can do to help me, what he can do to not trigger it, and how to make it better. He is absolutely amazing.

I can tell he feels really bad that it causes me so much pain, but I also know he doesn’t regret being with these other people from his past, which almost makes it worse. I wish he did regret it, so that at least if he could erase past events, he would erase them and only be with me.

The fact that he doesn’t regret it makes me unbelievably angry, because I don’t want him to feel that way about anyone else, much less DO anything with anyone else, even if it was in the past.

I wish he regretted it so at least I could have peace that he REALLY truly only wanted and wants me as a sexual/intimate/romantic partner.

Tell us what exactly you’re jealous about in their past? 

The intimacy he shared with these other girls. I hate it. Like REALLY hate it.
I hate that he has loved and touched and been intimate with these other girls in his past like he has now been with me.

It makes me feel like I am receiving love and intimacy that isn’t completely mine (because well, it isn’t, it has been shared and given to other people). I feel like if I had past relationships and intimate partners, it wouldn’t be QUITE as bad, but because I was a virgin and he was my first, it feels 100x worse.

What bugs you the most about your partner’s past? 

The fact that he’s my first and I’m his fourth. It just makes me feel like I am not very special (as immature as that sounds). I always hoped that I would lose my virginity to another virgin. The fact that he has had others before me and has loved them makes me feel somehow less special.

Have you ever snooped through your partner’s personal belongings off or online? 

Yes. And I regret it immensely.

I found an old blog where he details past lovers, how he felt for them, how he made love with them and I wish I never came across it. It has caused me to spiral downward mentally, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over it to be honest. It has made me feel unspeakably horrible.

If you could get one image out of your head regarding your partner’s past, what would it be?

 Him making love with the two girls he was in a relationship with. The details I read on his blog has ignited this fire in my mind where I can’t stop running those words he wrote through my head with all sorts of disturbing visuals of them being intimate.

It literally makes me want to gouge my eyes out and incinerate my brain so I don’t have any recollection of what I now know. It causes me so much anguish and distress and I wish he was a virgin like I was when we met so I didn’t have to live with the fact that he has been with other people THAT intimately.

Is there anything else you’d like to share? Fire away! 

I know I’m not the only one who suffers from this and I wanted to be able to vent my frustrations and mental anguish to a platform for people that suffer like me. It is SO hard to find anyone else who understands (at least to the same degree), so it’s comforting knowing that there are other’s out there feeling the same way. Know you aren’t alone <3


Feel like getting your retroactive jealousy off your chest? Great! Share your story here.


Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy OCD

6 Comments
  1. Clara says:

    Thanks for setting this up Jeff. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone.

  2. Paul R says:

    I could not resist commenting here – GET OVER IT!

    1. Tatiana G says:

      Your level of ignorance is truly disturbing, Paul. Allow me to educate you.
      Retroactive jealousy is a form of OCD, which is not something an individual who suffers from it can simply “get over” like you so helpfully suggested. OCD requires professional treatment by either a psychologist or psychiatrist, depending on what works best for the patient and/or if it is determined they require medication. It is disgusting that you would choose to comment something so disrespectful and ignorant on a forum where a young woman is clearly suffering. This platform is meant to be supportive and empathetic, neither of which you are. Just like all of us, you have had things you’ve had to struggle with, and the advice “get over it” is not only unhelpful, it is disrespectful. Shame on you Paul, and how dare you minimize a mental struggle you clearly know nothing about.

  3. Sarah says:

    I had very similar experiences. 🙁

  4. Dinesh says:

    I can understand your feeling.
    I am feeling the same. My wife is my 1st intimate partner and i am 3rd for her. I saw her picture of kissing her ex.and thats the most painful thing i could see. Coz i can imagine what happned after that kiss.
    You have to ask yourslef 1 ques. Do u want to be with him becoz if it is just realtionship then u have options open.
    Mine is marriage. And these people who have never waited for anyone will not undestand the value of wait.
    I know what wait means 29yrs i have waited to give up myself completley.
    Dont give yourself pain . coz he doesnt regret anything tell him this . if he so proud of past ask him to go back with those girls only why he is even with you.see how much efforts he takes.coz realtionship means sacrifices.see how much he can sacrifice.

  5. Darek says:

    I can find myself in this story, even if it’s reverse for me, cause I’m guy and she is a girl. I’m still virgin in my 26 years, even if I had something like girlfriend in the past, but I didn’t lose it with her in the end. My girlfriend had already 4 relationships, but that last one cost her virginity. And I just can’t get over it. I fell in love to her, she is woman of my life, still I can’t get over it won’t be first for both of us and it honestly forced our relationship to the verge of breaking up. I decided to not give up, fight myself and try to stop hurting her because of my issue, make her happy and do the same to myself.

    Still, exactly, I’m just not okay someone else touched her, someone else she loved and someone else that was able to receive such amazing gift like her virginity. I’d feel even better not knowing it was with the last one, but as we already talked about it, it’s late. RE this type is really torture for mind. I just envy those who can really love unconditionally and don’t care about things like these.

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