Author: Tina (20), female, in a committed relationship with her boyfriend (21)
Number of her sexual partners:
Number of her boyfriend’s sexual partners:
How long have you suffered from retroactive jealousy?
Years. However, I had never been in a relationship before this one, so it never got this bad.
How much time a day do you spend thinking about your partner’s past?
1-3 hours depending on the day
Have you talked to them about your retroactive jealousy and if so what happens?
Yes. He is very understanding and patient. He asks me what he can do to help me, what he can do to not trigger it, and how to make it better. He is absolutely amazing.
I can tell he feels really bad that it causes me so much pain, but I also know he doesn’t regret being with these other people from his past, which almost makes it worse. I wish he did regret it, so that at least if he could erase past events, he would erase them and only be with me.
The fact that he doesn’t regret it makes me unbelievably angry, because I don’t want him to feel that way about anyone else, much less DO anything with anyone else, even if it was in the past.
I wish he regretted it so at least I could have peace that he REALLY truly only wanted and wants me as a sexual/intimate/romantic partner.
Tell us what exactly you’re jealous about in their past?
The intimacy he shared with these other girls. I hate it. Like REALLY hate it.
I hate that he has loved and touched and been intimate with these other girls in his past like he has now been with me.
It makes me feel like I am receiving love and intimacy that isn’t completely mine (because well, it isn’t, it has been shared and given to other people). I feel like if I had past relationships and intimate partners, it wouldn’t be QUITE as bad, but because I was a virgin and he was my first, it feels 100x worse.
What bugs you the most about your partner’s past?
The fact that he’s my first and I’m his fourth. It just makes me feel like I am not very special (as immature as that sounds). I always hoped that I would lose my virginity to another virgin. The fact that he has had others before me and has loved them makes me feel somehow less special.
Have you ever snooped through your partner’s personal belongings off or online?
Yes. And I regret it immensely.
I found an old blog where he details past lovers, how he felt for them, how he made love with them and I wish I never came across it. It has caused me to spiral downward mentally, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over it to be honest. It has made me feel unspeakably horrible.
If you could get one image out of your head regarding your partner’s past, what would it be?
Him making love with the two girls he was in a relationship with. The details I read on his blog has ignited this fire in my mind where I can’t stop running those words he wrote through my head with all sorts of disturbing visuals of them being intimate.
It literally makes me want to gouge my eyes out and incinerate my brain so I don’t have any recollection of what I now know. It causes me so much anguish and distress and I wish he was a virgin like I was when we met so I didn’t have to live with the fact that he has been with other people THAT intimately.
Is there anything else you’d like to share? Fire away!
I know I’m not the only one who suffers from this and I wanted to be able to vent my frustrations and mental anguish to a platform for people that suffer like me. It is SO hard to find anyone else who understands (at least to the same degree), so it’s comforting knowing that there are other’s out there feeling the same way. Know you aren’t alone <3
Feel like getting your retroactive jealousy off your chest? Great! Share your story here.