How to Get Over Your Boyfriend’s Ex Girlfriends

The #1 Thing You Need to Know to Learn How to Get Over Your Boyfriend’s Past Relationships

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
May 24, 2018
How to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends

How to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends. 

In this post, I take a look at the #1 thing you need to know to learn how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships.

If you answer “yes” to one or more of the items below, then this post will help.

  • I often find myself lost in thought about my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend
  • When I think about his ex girlfriend I feel anxious/angry/envious/jealous/helpless
  • I can’t get certain images of his ex girlfriend out of my head. They just go round and round like “mini-movies”
  • I know being jealous of my boyfriend’s ex is irrational but I can’t help myself
  • I spend a lot of time wondering “Why does my boyfriend’s past bother me,” “Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex?”

You may have already done some thinking on how to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends and come to the conclusion that you’re jealous, but don’t quite know why. You may have also done some research but come up short.

While there’s plenty of information out there on “regular” jealousy about your boyfriend’s relationships with women in the present, there’s not much out there on how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships.

To complicate matters, most advice online surrounding how to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends, tends to be of the meaningless-platitude-variety, such as:

  • “How can you be jealous of your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend? He’s chosen you, not them.”
  • “Isn’t it better that he’s experienced and knows what he’s doing?”
  • “The past has made him who he is.”

I know for a fact that when I was gripped by retroactive jealousy over my girlfriend’s sexual past, this kind of advice did absolutely nothing to make the problem go away.

Shortly after I started dating my girlfriend, I discovered that she’d recently slept with five guys in five months, including two-night-stands and sex-buddies. (You can read all about my retroactive jealousy and how I got it here.)

Wait. So, I’ve got “retroactive jealousy?” What’s that?


If you find yourself often saying things like “my boyfriends past bothers me but I don’t know why” or “why do I stalk my boyfriend’s ex,” then, yes, more than likely.

As I said, this post will reveal the most important aspect of yourself that you need to consider in order to learn how to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends.

But first, if you’re not already familiar with the term, here’s a quick retroactive jealousy definition:

Retroactive jealousy is sometimes known as retroactive jealousy OCD, as it usually entails obsessive overthinking about sexual and/or romantic events, people and encounters from a partner’s past.

This process of mulling over the past in the sufferer’s head often results in a whole host of negative actions and emotions, including a pretty hefty dose of confusion.

Indeed, retrospective jealousy sufferers are likely to spend as much time trying to figure out why they’re feeling the way they do, as actually feeling negative emotions, such as jealousy, anger and anxiety.

Overcoming retroactive jealousy, however, requires a full understanding of what it is—to know exactly what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it.

My boyfriend’s past bothers me, but is it really retroactive jealousy OCD?

It depends how often you’re thinking about your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend and what other actions you’re taking to reinforce these thoughts.

There are three main reasons why your struggle to learn how to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends may be considered an extreme jealousy disorder.

1. Being jealous of a boyfriend’s ex is a little irrational

The constant stream of negative thoughts and emotions are about your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend in the past, not the present.

A sufferer of “regular” jealousy, on the other hand, may also have irrational fears, but they’re grounded in the present. And there may also be some legitimate reason for them.

It’s this perceived irrationality that drives sufferers of retroactive jealousy crazy and is the reason why many unwittingly perpetuate the condition by waging a constant war with their own minds.

How to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends

2. Being jealous of boyfriend’s past is destructive

Often, grappling with getting over retroactive jealousy means not just repeatedly thinking certain thoughts, say, about a boyfriend’s ex girlfriend, but acting on them.

A sufferer is very likely to act out and wind up doing destructive things that jeopardize the relationship. These include extreme jealousy disorder symptoms like:

  • snooping through pictures of boyfriend’s ex girlfriend, personal belongings, social media accounts, etc
  • starting arguments about his ex girlfriend
  • obsessively entering phrases like “why am i obsessed with my boyfriends ex” and “why does my boyfriends past bother me” into Google, searching for a retroactive jealousy cure

3. Obsessing over a boyfriend’s ex girlfriend is hard to stop

The fact that retroactive jealousy is concerned with events that have already happened, (often a long time ago) in the past, means it can be very hard to shake.

However, there’s actually nothing to shake. The past can’t be undone, and so this anxiety over his ex girlfriend just sits there in the sufferers’ mind, making them feel helpless and confused.

I often receive emails from women who have been married for decades and yet are still jealous of a boyfriend’s ex from their college days.

Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex now, when I wasn’t 3 months ago?


The first thing you need to realize when learning how to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends, is that has only started due to one thing: knowledge.

It’s only through knowledge of a boyfriend’s ex girlfriend in the first place that can give rise to retroactive jealousy OCD.

Cast your mind back for a moment to that time before you were jealous of your boyfriend’s ex. That moment before you knew anything about his ex girlfriend. He was still the same person then as he is now, right?

But either through having “the talk,” or by investigating and finding out information about your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend, your mind’s been set racing.

It then seeks out and latches onto “irregularities” about his ex girlfriend, such as:

  • “I don’t understand why he wanted her back when she treated him like crap”
  • “Wow — [insert number] is an awful lot of sexual partners”
  • “Oh my god — he had a threesome?!?!”
  • “So, technically he was still dating his ex girlfriend when he had that one night stand?”

This then snowballs into a series of repetitive thoughts, emotions and behaviors, collectively which come together to form retroactive jealousy OCD.

The #1 thing that will help you learn how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships

There are a variety of evolutionary, societal and psychological reasons behind why you’re jealous of his ex girlfriend.

However, there is only one key, universal element you need to know in order to learn how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships.

The one big reason why learning how to get over your boyfriend’s past is so difficult: your ego.

In order to stop being jealous of a boyfriend’s past it’s essential that you learn about the role your ego is playing in your jealousy.

How to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends

Here are the three steps you should take right now to learn how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships:

How to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends, step #1: Discover your ego

The term “ego” is often used to refer to an inflated impression of ourselves. But it’s really our mind’s perception of self, whether it happens to be inflated or not.

By “perception of self” I mean anything that you identify strongly with and regard as “you.” This could be anything from your name, to your favorite YouTube channel or variety of frozen yoghurt.

Anything with which you form a strong mental attachment becomes part of your sense of self and therefore you ego—or, the part of your mind which says, “this is me.”

So, whenever you or someone else says, “I love musicals,” or “I hate football,” or “I read the Guardian and I support everything they say!” that’s your ego talking.

However, when the mind identifies a little too strongly with the ego and listens to it too much, it can cause problems.

Every bad emotion, argument, fight and war can trace its origins back to the ego. This is because it represents a very black and white view of the world which, in trying to protect us and the things we value, actually does nothing but hold us back and cause pain and suffering.

Understanding this is one of the keys to learning how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships.

How to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends, step #2: Understand its effect on your relationship

How to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends

Your partner and his ex girlfriend, of course, get wrapped up by your ego into this rigid sense of self. So, when it perceives a threat to your relationship, i.e. from an outside attack in the form of another woman, it jumps into action to protect itself (us.)

Much like how, thousands of years ago, our egoic mind made us run when confronted with an on-rushing bear, today it’s still operating in the exact same mode of self-preservation when confronted with the perceived threat of your man running off with someone else.

By keeping you in a constant state of anxiety regarding your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend, it’s trying to protect you from harm, (i.e. being cheated on) by making you think, “Is he still in love with her?” “Do I measure up to her?” “Is she a threat?” and so on.

The fact is, it’s your ego that’s in the driving seat when you’re jealous of your boyfriend’s ex, rather than your rational conscious mind.

Now, this may all sound a little “new agey” if you’re not familiar with it, but it’s important to remember that your ego isn’t your conscious mind, your true self or “you” in any meaningful sense.

Your ego is an illusion.

Your true self is “consciousness,” “awareness,” or whatever you wish to call it, and embraces the present moment, while your ego fears it. In other words, you are not really jealous of your boyfriend’s past or anxious about his ex girlfriend. Your ego is merely tricking you into believing you are.

In a way, however, it’s good that your ego has you wondering how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships. It means your mind is functioning normally and is just trying to protect you, as it should.

The problem arises, though, when the ego takes over, balloons this perceived threat out of all proportion and traps the mind in a prison of repetitive, unwanted thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

How to get over your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends, step #3: 
Watch your ego

I tackle the ego full on in my book The Ultimate Retroactive Jealousy Cure, but for now here’s a little exercise you can start right now to help you learn more about how it operates:

Take a moment to “watch” your ego.

Start by remembering something outside of your retroactive jealousy that bugs you in the past. Something like an argument with a rude stranger, a falling out with a friend or not standing up to your boss.

Dwell on these thoughts and feelings for a moment. Mull over all the ways you “messed things up,” and how you’ve been hard done by.

Now begin noticing these negative thoughts, rather than reacting to them. Step back and observe these thoughts and emotions whirling away inside you. Become aware that this negativity, which positions you as a “victim,” at loggerheads with an imaginary “enemy” is emanating directly from your ego.

As I said, I go into this and how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships in my book. For now, simply practice noticing negative thoughts and emotions as you go about your day for the next week.

Remove yourself from them and observe them as separate from “you.” Do this and you’ll be taking the first step toward learning how to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends for good.


— Jeff

How to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends

Are you constantly wondering, “Why does my boyfriends past bother me?” “Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex?” and “Why do I stalk my boyfriend’s ex?” If you’re struggling with overcoming retroactive jealousy and how to get over your boyfriend’s past relationships, you’ll find everything you need to know in this book.

The first four steps are all about getting to grips with the question of What is retroactive jealousy? and once you know why you’re feeling the way you do, you’ll be able to move onto the following eight steps and learn how to get over your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends once and for all.

  1. anonymous says:

    So I am 17 and I met my now ex boyfriend (but we are friends..we broke up a couple days ago) anyways i met him when i was 14. We didn’t start dating until i was fifteen. I was so crazy about him at first and wanted him so bad. I chased after him and then finally got him. We had issues and I did bad things and him as well. some things revealed just recently. But My heart began to break because of things i did and things he did. He had no clue that i was falling out of love. Its like i love him hes my best friend.. but i am no longer in love with him. Its been this way for months but i continued to date him. Even though he has hurt me so many times I didn’t want him to feel that way so I stayed. He would jokingly say things about my body. And i know i am a skinny person (i have a high metabolism) and i know i don’t look like his ex girlfriends. And it kills me. I am constantly comparing my self to his most recent ex. I stalk her page. I even catch my self trying to be like her and try to impress her. I want to be her. And i have felt like this for so long and i hate it. I mean for goodness sake we have the same birthday. And he finally admitted he still cares about her. And let em just remind you they are neighbors. I honestly don’t think i would feel the way i do about this girl if she wasn’t his ex. Honestly we would probably be friends. And we kinda are at one point we definitely were. Her and I are a lot alike. It just sucks because we have now broken up and im not to upset about it because we are really close friends and I dont think it has set in yet. But he has left me with such a huge mess to clean up. It is me time and i have to figure myself out and get back to loving myself. He has knocked me down but im getting up and im going to rebuild my self up carefully. I just need tips on how to do that and how to be genuinely happy. And love my self and how to get over this girl (his ex).

  2. Anonymous says:

    Well my boyfriend hasn’t dated before but he has been in love before and was led on but then finally rejected. Idk much about this though until like literally last night that he was obsessed with her. In like 12th grade he gifted her expensive headphones and what not. After we starting also, on her bday he wrote paras for her and was upset coz he fell asleep at 12am and couldn’t wish her then. I really dk what to feel about this. On my bday, he just came and met me for half an hour and we just spoke and walked around. That’s all.
    I kept thinking that my boyfriend is just not much of a romantic person but now I realise that he is, just not for me. He was for his first love. It’s gonna be our 6mth anniversary this Sunday and we were supposed to meet but I really don’t feel like doing that anymore. Idk if I’m being stupid or what but I just keep feeling that he loved her so much and I can never reach that level. And that shit hurts like mad..

    1. Chantal says:

      I really needed this and the difference for me is that I was friends with his ex when we first started to go out she had a kid and was with another man and my boyfriend and her were just great friends (they known each other for 16 years prior to there relationship) then I started having an emotional connection with her and then she back stabbed up and stole from us now I’m just jealous of the fact that she has a great life even tho she did us harm.. and the worst fact is that for two months my boyfriend was still talking (a lot less tho) to her just normal conversations but it angered me so much and I made him choose and he chose me and I still feel bad for making him do that but I feel worse that she still lives her life when I barely can just because I obsess over her so much.. its constantly people talk about her all the time or I see her first name some where and I get anxious.. I blocked her on everything but kept unblocking her because I wanted to see her new pictures and posts.. I even made a nother account to see her posts so my boyfriend wouldn’t notice and yes I do bring it up to my boyfriend and hes not negative about it hes understanding of it but I wanted to know if my story maybe is a different one then what you wrote on here and in your book… lots of love please contact me on my email

    2. ANONYMOUS says:

      Sometimes i just wonder if she’s prettier than i am. i asked him if he thought she was and the topic was just kinda put aside and just said that i treat him better. i don’t know if he still secretly talks to her and i feel that he may still have feelings for her. she could be looking like a goddess. the thing is, i know my worth yet it still gets to me. he tells me he loves me and that they both weren’t that serious but still just thinking about her makes me want to throw up. it makes me feel sick and jealous. i try reassuring myself but it never works i always always always just think of her as a b**** even though i can’t help it. he lied to me about not having any girlfriends before me and i found out on my own.

  3. anonymous says:

    i’m currently talking to someone who has engaged in sexual activities that i have yet to experience for myself . he talks about them like they are this big thing that i’m missing out on . it leaves my “ego” according to this article swirling images and interactions through my mind of him in these acts and it makes me jealous something indescribable . i cannot shake this feeling and it has become where i cannot even look at him without thinking of him in these acts . this article did help a little bit for me to understand why i am this way and how to better control these thought . i really hope i can grasp this issue so i can pursue an actual healthy relationship where it’s just about me and him .

  4. Ava says:

    My bf has a 10 year ex wife with kids, and is considerably older then me. He was not over her when he meet me 2 yrs later after their divorce. They had a messy ending and he no longer sees her face to face. But in the beginning he watched her porn a lot and had me watch it, and i know almost every minute detail about wjat he loved and disliked about her. And he said the one thing i have against her ia im a good person. But they doesnt make up for any of the thoughts racing thru my head now about how i have lack of sexual experience and I lack the sexual experience thwy had togwther and the social eptnitude she had, as well as her bubbly personality. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, as well as Anxiety. He also cannot have more children. I cannot help thinking I am below her and always will be, she got the best of him.How can I ever forget and forgive and move past with a healthy relationship relationship?

  5. T says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, he dated a girl before me for about 2 years as well but she cheated on him and they broke up. Just before we started dating he was begging her to stay in his life and talking to her saying he missed her so much. Further in our relationship I found out he was stalking her and after I confronted him he lashed back at me saying how he can’t get over someone that quickly…yet he was dating me? Even now, 2 years have passed and I still find myself dwelling over their past and constantly having these thoughts where I feel like he still misses her and I’m not good enough, it has my doubting my appearance, my personality and my self worth. I treat him the best I possibly can and I’m just so confused. I stalk her every now and then, she has a boyfriend now but my boyfriend and her still showed interest in each other even when I was with him. He assures me now that he’s over her but I feel like he isn’t (might just be my paranoia) but he’s broken my trust a few times in the past couple of years with a few different chicks. He’s told me goodnight and texted this other girl, he’s gone behind my back and secretly ‘hung out’ with another girl who’s showed interest in him, he didn’t tell me until I investigated more… when I try to express my feelings, he gets frustrated and rips into me about me not having trust, but he doesn’t see that his actions are the cause of this.

    1. notsoirrational says:

      This article fails to address the significant other’s (contributing) behavior. I think poor communicaton and/or variations of dishonesty* (incl. withholding) can tip a typically open non-jealous person over the edge, that is into a quickly developing obsession.

      As far as communication and withholding, I don’t mean they need to divulge every little detail of their dating history, but rather I appreciate the effort to inform the other “hey, this person and I dated, it ended this way, and this is what I learned from it (i.e., closure), and this is our status (still friends, dead to each other, etc).” But it’s even better to be able to admit to the/your partner, ya, I’m still a touch bitter/jealous/etc. about it. That sort of honesty and vulnerability can demonstrate a special trust/faith in the current partner that the ex(s) may never have, and establishes a bond of presence and genuineness. At least, that is what I’ve learned to do with my partners.

      I once dated a very good guy who had a fairly large social circle, which included a few different past relationships. He made a light but deliberate effort to point out each of those women, and briefly told me how it ended. I found that really put me at ease, and have practiced that same sort of honesty in new relathionships ever since. Each partner seems to appreciate it too.

      My current partner, however, has not been so great at communication and honesy. I’m not saying he’s a lying, manipulative, bastard. He’s just inexperienced in relationships, very timid, and gets easily gets flustered by any threat of conflict.

      My problem has been around his most recent ex. He met her through a triathlete/swim social group. She was recently separated from her husband. They started dating for about 6-9 months, but then she dropped him and returned to her husband shortly before Christmas. She even continued with an all expense paid trip toTahoe (sans him) that he didn’t have the nerve to cancel. From what I understand, it left him feeling used and heartbroken.

      They didn’t seem to interact until the following Spring, and he mentioned that she had reached out to him because she and her husband were fighting again. He told me they kissed or almost kissed (his story changed*), and he told her he could only be supportive as a friend since she was still living with her husband at that time.

      I don’t really know the rest but he was still pretty friendly with her (via his social media pics & likes), but he also began actively ldating online, which is how he and I met.

      The other factors that moved me into distrust and subsequent obsession is that I noticed he had been giving a lot of attention, via social media to a couple different, very attractive women. One is married, the other is single.

      The married one became an issue of distrust when earlier on in our dating history, he invited me to a modest holiday house party. We happened to sit next to this woman, and they immediately recognized each other from Facebook. Apparently, they had had never met in person before. But what became an issue for me, is that I sensed he felt caught off guard by her presence. She pointed out that she didn’t know he was dating someone (me), and then they talked about other things. But I sensed he seemed very nervous/tense, and worse, I felt like I had all but disappeared. He didn’t touch me, hold my hand, include me in the conversation – nothing, but the back of his head. I didn’t say anything right at that time, but later my research online revealed he had been giving her a lot of attention online after he had broken up with/got dumped by his ex.

      The other woman he was giving a lot of attention to via social media, lived in another state, but according to an exhchange they had on IG, he was wishing she would move back. I also vaguely recall he had told me he had a brief relationship with a woman whom he had reconnected with from h.s. and I suspect that was her. The problem was that he made that exchange with her *while he and I were still together* but had had a little fallout/argument :-/

      So while I have been obsessing over this one this one woman, I have realized that my fears aren’t so much about just her, but about distrust of *him* and the unknown (that which I cannot access – I disconnected from his social media months ago after we first had a major fallout). We are still sort of together, but it seems tenuous as time goes on as he seems to withdraw further and further. We also recently started seeing a couples’ therapist. While there were a few things I really adored about him, I’m afraid I already know my answer that this is not the guy I should be with.

    2. Prashant arya says:

      It is okay to think a little but when you feel you are getting obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex, the problem starts from there. I think you should focus on what’s happening now instead of thinking about the past. We tend to think that we are saving our relationship but in reality, we are making it worse. Make your relationship strong. He has chosen you over her and that is the important part.
      I know it is difficult for some people to get over a past relationship because humans have feelings and they cannot erase it just like that.Give him his time, be a pillar of support, listen to him. If you still feel intimidated, talk to him, make this coversation comfortable for both of you. Hope it helps. If you have some more doubts or you just want to explore more about it. Here is a link to a article that discusses ways to stop feeling jealous of your boyfriend’s ex –

  6. Unknown says:

    One day, the topic about sex came up. I remember that I told him (my bf) “you look like you’ve had a lot of sexual experience” even tho deep down inside me I knew he hasn’t, but he started to mention names. One caught my attention more. N****** …I was immediately shocked in a way- he tells me they haven’t done anything sexual- they didn’t even date: they were just a thing, but he mentions that “we wanted to do it but I thought we were way too young” I proceeded to find who she was and to my surprised, he followed her on Instagram. I knew it was her because he specially what state she was from (he’s been to a couple of states for summer camps etc..) and her state was on her bio. So I automatically knew. Well uhh- now I know where she lives and a lot of her relatives. She’s way prettier than me, she doesn’t have any of my insecurities like she has perfect teeth from having braces. I don’t. She has deeper dimples. Mine aren’t that deep as hers. She used to have glasses, now she wears contacts. I’m still stuck in glasses. I’m so over being jealous over her. I have now so much anger towards myself because I’m letting this get inside me. They still talk too which doesn’t bother me oddly. It’s just the fact they had a thing in the past. I’m just scared if we break up, he’ll go with her.

  7. Anonymous says:

    My situation is a bit different from the normal jealous, but not by much at all. My boyfriend and I started as just roommates. We had gone to high school together but weren’t close by any means. He was 2 grades below me and I was crushing on his step brother at the time (oops haha). 4 years later, boom. Roommates. We got along instantly and we ended up drunkenly hooking up. And kept hooking up. About a week later though, he started talking to a girl HE went to high school with and had always had a crush on. He had taken me out on a date and then took her on the EXACT same date not even a week later. I told him I had feelings for him and he said he had feelings for us both. I ended up telling him I couldn’t keep doing what we were doing and we went back to being just roommates. They started dating, and I was crying myself to sleep every night and crying every time I saw them together. She was 18 and skinny and GORGEOUS and I was 22, 150lbs, short, and didn’t have that 18 year old innocence anymore. The weight wasn’t that bad but I always used to be so skinny even a year prior, but had gained a bunch of depression weight. I was at a very low point in my life (depression wise), and I was so upset and thought he picked her because she was so much prettier and younger and had less experience than me, despite the amazing connection the 2 of us had. Also since my roommate and I were friends, he still wanted to tell me about their dates and some things of their sex life. I was desperately trying to ignore the fact that I was somewhat in love with him, let him tell me. I knew exactly how he had felt about her. All the giddiness and sexual tension of a new relationship, I heard all about. It was really hard. But, only like 2 months into them dating, we had been drinking and we hooked up….cheating on his girlfriend….he broke up with her the next day telling her he had feelings for me. He had told me he really liked her, but it didn’t take long for him to realize there wasn’t much to the poor thing. Although sweet, she was boring, and we had had a way better connection. Within a few months we were together. It’s been a year since he moved in and 7 months since we started dating. This is a different kind of jealousy than I’ve ever experienced. I’ll stalk her Instagram (I know I know, I really REALLY shouldn’t) and I can’t help but feel the same pit of sadness I had felt when he picked her and not me, but not nearly as extreme. It’s like I can’t get over the fact that although I’m in love with him now, he broke my heart. Everything worked out and if not for dating her, we might not have ended up together the way we did or at all. I’ve talked to friends about it and they don’t understand why I’m still so hung up on this girl. She hasn’t done a single thing to me. She just liked a boy who I happened to like as well and he liked her more (or so he thought). He broke both out hearts but by choosing the other but I ended up with him in the end. So why is it so difficult for me to let it go?

  8. Anonymous says:

    When we first started dating it was a fun thing we both didn’t want a relationship. Like always we grew to have feelings and were at a stage where we were not getting with other people and became exclusive. However on one night out he left me the whole night for his ex and ending up kissing her. Almost three years later in my relationship and I still can’t forgive him. He lied to me about the kiss, I found out when I looked on his phone. How can I get past this?

  9. anon says:

    Okay while we’re confessing here I go. I’m obsessed with his ex. I check her Instagram and Twitter like its the morning newspaper and before I go to bed almost every day. I’ve tried to find her and her friends on every social media platform I can think of. It’s like an addiction at this point. When I type in her username again I’m like “hoe don’t do it no” and then “oh my god”. I’ll have good runs, when my boyfriend and I are spending lots of time together, and I don’t even think about her, but when we’re apart my mind immediately goes to her. It’s like I’m trying to pin her down, to understand her and her life and what he saw in her and what their relationship was like and what we have in common and what I need to do to be like her (I know, believe me I know it’s incredibly toxic. But I’m fixated). Their two-year relationship is like this massive dark spot in my understanding of his life, and it really bothers me. It’s like a black box. He mentions stories involving her from time to time (not often enough to it bother me) and I always think “this would be the perfect time to ask him why they broke up” but I always lose my nerve. I want to know so bad but also I’m afraid of hearing him talk about her. He tells me he loves me and he’s so happy to be with me but I think I might cry if I even hear the way he talks about her. She was his first love, one of those all-consuming, life-changing relationships that happen when you’re 16-19 that make your who you are. All that good stuff that makes it impossible to match up to. Everything I know about the two of them comes from morsels of gossip I’ll hear from mutual friends. I’m too fucking scared to ask him directly, because I really don’t want to hear the reason be that some outside circumstance.

    They literally broke up a year before we started dating, but I can’t help myself from dwelling on her and them.. It’s horrible. To make matters worse, she literally has the same name as me. That bothers me unlike anything else. I’ve never thought of myself as a jealous person, but there’s just something about thinking about him loving her that makes me so fucking sad. Maybe because we’re similar in some ways, but she’s so much cooler and edgier and more interesting than me, and I just . fuck. even thinking about the cute things they used to do together makes me want to vomit.

    And now I’ve developed an unhealthy fixation on her and wondering if he really wants her over me and that I’ll never truly compare and it’s really getting in the way of me being myself. I think what really bothers me is that I can’t pinpoint what was wrong with her. I can’t pick a single reason why I would possibly be a better choice than her, besides superficial reasons like I’m way more convenient because I live in the same school, city, state while she lives eight hours away in his hometown, and that I seem to be a pretty chill, low-maintenance girlfriend (I don’t let him see any of these crazy tendencies). These reasons aren’t enough for me to feel superior to her. To feel like he’s truly over her and that I deserve this place in his life. It’s fucked, I know, and I know I should trust him. But because I don’t understand, I fixate.

    I’m so tired of giving a fuck about her. Anyway thanks for letting me scream into the void internet. oof I hope no one ever sees this.

  10. When will this end says:

    I’m Chinese American and I found out my boyfriend’s ex girl friend, or the woman he dated and lived with for a month or two was also Chinese. My boy friend is white. When he met her from work, he had been divorced for a few years and she’s married but her husband and get young child were still overseas. I asked him why her. He said he was lonely and she was lonely so they got together. Obviously he liked her enough to later on let her move in with him for a while till she found her new place waiting for her husband to come back because she was gonna get back to him… So it bugs the shit out of me when I felt like he’s being used and that I’m so much better than her but she got him first and I can’t get these images and imagination of them having sex out of my head. According to him, she has way less drama and is somewhat cold. She also can’t cook and she doesn’t have a good body compared to me. So everything else that I’m better at, I still feel like I lost to her, someone who was never gonna be with him wholeheartedly. So I only picked the part when he says she has very little drama if he liked her because she isn’t a drama queen. I even asked if they’d still be together if she wasn’t going back to her married husband and he said probably.. it broke my heart and all my ego… They were together for 6 months and he’s ever been to her place because she had other roommates and when they broke up, although he said she cried a lot, she told him to never contact her again and he listened. I’m upset, pissed off, angry, and sad all at the same time. Sometimes I wonder what they do when they are together, if they had more in common because they are both in the same field and she’s very educated. I also wonder if she’s better in bed and how much sex they used to have and if he enjoyed her or liked her more than me… For some reason, I have no issues with his ex wife who he was with for years because she was his wife… She wasn’t his fill-in-the-loneliness partner that he also liked….as I’m writing this, I’m feeling more depressed… I love him and I can’t get over this…

  11. Anonymous says:

    I’m currently seeing someone, and have been for 5 months. I asked to take things slow after having the talk about becoming his girlfriend, because although we both agreed it feels like we are in a relationship I still feel as though I have to learn to trust him more. I know he’s a good guy, he’s incredibly sweet and he tries his hardest to try and make me better or fix any problem. Only recently (well past couple of weeks) we’ve been having the same disagreement. He’s 6 years older than me and I haven’t had a serious relationship or any sexual experiences before meeting him. Yet he has had 1 ex girlfriend 6 years ago, he was seeing 1 person 4 years ago at his work before she went to university. And then he had 1 friends with benefits partner I think 3-4 years ago. I know he wouldn’t do anything, I take his word on it but I can’t stop myself from having negative thoughts that he could just as easily like someone else at his work, or someone from his past might come back and want to start talking to him again. I can’t stop thinking of his past, I compare myself to them, and I get worried if he ever thinks about them. Which he reassures me he doesn’t and that its long in the past. But I can’t stop bringing myself of thinking of past scenarios. He’s a very kinky person, so I can’t stop thinking. Its like this I could be sat here sharing an icecream sandwich with my bestfriend, and it’s great. But if he was sitting here and we were sharing an icecream sandwich, I don’t know I’d be thinking about has he ever shared an icecream sandwich with someone before? And if he has, was it with someone he’s been with? Like I would literally be sat here watching a movie in my mind of someone he used to be with in a situation I’ve asked about before or that we’ve done and I’d be comparing myself. I just don’t know what to do, I’m just left confused. I know it probably comes under the term jealous but it’s hard to explain or just define it to just being jealous, because no matter how hard I try it just happens yet I know its irrational.. I don’t know I just need help..

  12. Anonymous says:

    Well me and my boyfriend started dating 8 months ago but we’ve known each other for 4 years. We both have been through everything together and we both know what has happened in our past relationships because we’ve been best friends. I was good for the first 3 months, but then after those months I would think about his ex a lot. I would compare myself to her and just try and see why she was good. His past relationship was his longest and she obviously didn’t like me because I was his best friend, but I always respected his relationships and always pushed myself to the side. The thing that always comes to mind is situations in his relationship for example dates, conversations, and sexual things. We would always talk about them, and now that I’m with him I think back to it a lot. How he would love her so much, how he would always go all out for her. I sometimes catch myself comparing things he does for me and things he did for her and I ask myself why doesn’t he do that to me. Don’t get me wrong, this is the best relationship we’ve both been in and we both see each other in the future together, we really have no issues and not once have we argued in our relationship (even though this might be hard to believe). But it just comes to a point where I get tired of thinking about her and it gets me so mad that she’s always in my mind to the point where I sometimes dream about her and also dream about my boyfriend cheating on me WITH her! I sometimes go on her instagram and see what she posts. I literally keep up with it and I can’t stop. I’ve tried but I can’t and it’s honestly frustrating.

  13. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months but it wasn’t until 2 months ago that I really started feeling retroactive jealousy towards his past and his exes. I have this urge to pick apart every single person/sexual encounter that he has had and it makes me angry and disgusted just to think about it. He’s had 2 ex girlfriends who pretended to be pregnant with his child. For some reason at the beginning of our relationship he thought that I would think he was cool if he told me he had had a baby with one of these girls. This led to more fights than I can count and even though he’s assured me that it was a lie I still feel like I have no way to really *know* for sure. He also told me that he had slept with a lot more people than what he now claims he has. The amount of exes he claims to have had now is fairly low but I still feel an irrational anger just knowing that he’s been with other people. I’ve questioned him over and over again about his exes and the real truth of his past relationships and it’s getting to the point that he’s sick of hearing about it. Even if I know the complete truth I still haven’t been able to feel relief from this jealousy

  14. K.Q says:

    My boyfriend and I are together for two and a half years and before me he was in a toxic on and off relationship with another girl for four years. His past interfered in our relationship in the first 6 months we were dating as his ex was black mailing him and threatening me which made us break up for sometime. We sorted the issue and got back together but during the course of these two years she always tried to find a way to talk to him and I had told her to back off many times. He never spoke to her in those times she tried to talk to him but I merely told her of to back away from our relationship. She tried dating his friends, talking to his family about how he ruined her and kept on speaking bad things about me. Up till now even though shes not interfering anymore I have dreams about her and i began questioning my boyfriend about what he did with her so I can feel reassured I am different from what he had with her and it haunts me. Everytime i bring it up we fight and he says his past is hurtful and he made a huge mistake with her and he doesnt like to be reminded. I tried my best to not think of her but i realised most of the things he did with her is what he did with me and a few them was things I believed he did with me first and that makes it hard for me to not think of her. I love him but I cant get the images of him and her out of our head. I feel hurt for believing something was my first with him when it actually wasnt.

  15. Someone says:

    Well, I gotta say. It’s a bit of a grey area. What you are due to your obsession over your partner’s ex depends on the circumstances in which you ended up like this.
    I love my boyfriend. We got engaged recently. However, I do not trust his ex for being able to understand that she is not wanted in his life or nowhere near.
    When we started, we had already been friends, and right before our friendship started, he was engaged to that girl and then got dumped after being cheated on by her 2 times. Thus, he lost his house. He was a bit of a mess, but not lovestruck or lovesick. He was just so pissed. However, there is this thing about him. He always keeps his cool and never gets rude or breaks ppl’s hearts despite getting angry. Thus, he never burst out to that girl, thus she took it as he is okay with remaining friends, obviously. And by the time he and I got closer, she tried to make her way into his life twice. “Oh, did we make a mistake breaking up?” He rejected her. After a while, we started, it was obvious that he was over her. Actually, within time, it turned out that he wasn’t in love with her. It was just “since it lasted long, it seemed convenient to move onto the next step”. However, even during the times when we were together, she kept texting him at times despite his half-assed or way delayed responses. He just waited when she would stop and get the message. She did not. She kept texting for stupid excuses like their old house and the landlord his stuff that he couldn’t collect from the place, and suggested that she brought his stuff to our house or he went to the place to pick them up (I mean, whaaaa??) FINALLY, when I wrote a draft message which is straightforward enough for her to understand the non-welcoming environment through her thick skull, my boyfriend checked it and sent it. He tried to be dismissive before, telling her that he moved on living with me and that we are in love and what he had with her seemed like a relationship of convenience and doesn’t feel like it was genuine anymore. FINALLY, after that, dismissive and kinda cruelish message, she got it and then disappeared, well at least for now. He did not want to be a mean guy who snaps or roasts anyone straight away, but I cannot understand how people cannot get some subtle and salient messages and act on kinda compulsively. The interesting thing is she kept enforcing her “friendship” on him and called him immature for him not wanting any contact with her. even my ex, whom I kinda talk to rarely, asked if it was okay us seeing each other and my new boyfriend is cool with it. This is respect. If two exes should remain friends, I think people should behave like that. But this girl never did that. She just went on texting him like she has the right to do so. Like she still holds this VIP place in his life and is excused to message without giving a fuckall about the new girlfriend. I thought to myself that I was overreacting sometimes, and that she just wants to be friends. But friendship requires loyalty and respect. And what kind of a friendship and good can she bring to his life when she is the cheater?
    So that’s why I, whenever her name is mentioned, still kinda get the chills. And for all of that distress and discomfort she caused and the disrespectful acts, I want to know that she is miserable in some ways. If I could make sure that she won’t pop out of nowhere again having received the message, I would just let it go. I know that my boyfriend will dismiss her again, however I just hate her guts. And I do not rely on her ability to have some common sense and act appropriately. So am I OCD now? Or paranoid? I’ve consulted my friends if I was paranoid. They told me that it was fine and the girl lacked some common sense and that I shouldn’t worry about it, because my boyfriend is head over hills for me. Yet, you just hate some people’s guts. (Besides it’s first time for me to get annoyed that much by an ex)

  16. Jade says:

    I’m 17 and my boyfriend and i have been dating for quite a while now. I’m really happy with him but there is this thought in my mind that he is still inlove with his ex girlfriend and they are meant for each other. I confronted him about it once, he said that he doesn’t love her and swear that he loves me only. But when we start dating i asked him if he still think of her sometimes he said yes. This girl is in my CLASSMATE, I hate her for some stupid reason i keep stalking her insta and checking her whatsapp status everytime. I don’t know what to do.

  17. Jade says:

    I’m 17 and my boyfriend and i have been dating for quite a while now. I’m really happy with him but there is this thought in my mind that he is still inlove with his last ex girlfriend (whom he dated 2 years ago)and they are meant for each other. I confronted him about it once, he said that he doesn’t love her and swear that he loves me only. But when we start dating i asked him if he still think of her sometimes he said yes. This girl is in my CLASSMATE, I hate her for some stupid reason i keep stalking her insta and checking her whatsapp status everytime. I don’t know what to do. She has a boyfriend but i dont know why this thought won’t stop nagging me

  18. anon says:

    My guy and I were together on and off for a number of years. I broke up with him several times, breaking his heart over and over again. I don’t expect any sympathy for this. The situation was complicated, but never related to other men or women at all. Jealousy was never a problem.
    We have been broken up for two years, but hooked up every now and again because we have excellent sexual chemistry and are still good friends. For example, my daughter and I went to visit his parents in Germany over New Years, though he and I didn’t sleep together on that trip (I was briefly dating a different woman at the time), even though he wanted to.
    Fast forward seven months from the Germany trip and I go meet him for some drinks and a hookup one Friday night. It’s good. He has a date lined up for Tuesday, he tells me. For some reason, I go absolutely crazy berserk jealous and we end up having a massive row. I apologise the next day and we make up. He goes on his date and I go out on one myself, and am just getting home when I receive a text telling me to come down and that his date was a disaster. We hook up again. It’s all good.
    Next day, I find out he has a girl coming over who he has slept with a couple of times. She is 20 years old, on his uni course (he is a mature student; I am 37). I try not to go berserk. Text him all evening, quite shamelessly interrupting. He doesn’t seem to mind. He tells me nothing happened, that they just fell asleep watching a film and then next morning chilled together in his bed.
    At that point, I start shaking and sobbing and tell him I am having real issues and need to see him. I drive 45 mins to his place and pour my heart out. Clearly, I am still in love with him. Over the past week, I have had no sleep, barely eaten – just thinking about him and regretting letting him go. Surprisingly, he agrees to stop seeing other girls and slowly start trying to rebuild trust and our relationship again. However, he is on antidepressants now, which are affecting his ability to engage with his emotions. Hmm.
    So he has agreed to stop seeing L, the girl who came over to watch movies. She is still his friend and on his uni course. I don’t wanna be the girl who says he can’t be friends with her. I had a bit of an outburst a couple of days ago and said some spiteful things about her looks. He was really pissed off and said he cared about her so doesn’t want to hear anyone talking about people he cares about that way.
    This has kinda set me off. I was a bit jealous before, but now I am obsessing. He used to say how I was ‘the best’ in bed and he doesn’t say that anymore. When I said L looked ‘gay’, he laughed and said ‘oh she definitely isn’t’. Urgh. Stalking her insta, I see she is slimmer than me with bigger boobs but a much smaller bottom (he loves her bottom), and she is pretty androgynous in her looks – not what I would have thought would be his type. I’m quite feminine, with a very stereotypically ‘good’ body. So I am really sort of more jealous sexually and it’s driving me nuts. My sex drive is incredibly high for him right now, but his is much less, apparently because of his antidepressants. But it’s got me feeling all twisted up and crazy. I literally have no idea how to cope with it!

    1. OP says:

      *I mean he loves my bottom, not hers. Typo!

  19. A says:

    I’m 20, in my 1st relationship and waiting till marriage. My fiance is 21, he’s had a few relationships before me and his body count is like 6 or 7. We have a healthy connited relationship but I’ll still catch myself feeling horrible asking myself if I waited for him why couldn’t he have waited for me. I understand the past has helped him become the great guy he is today yet I still have these stupid thoughts that make me feel horrible about myself. He reassures me, he listens. He’s the ideal guy and he doesn’t know that I struggle with this insecurity

  20. victoria says:

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  21. Ann Evans says:

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