Author: Penny (28) from the States, in a committed relationship with her boyfriend (28) for one year.
Number of her sexual partners: 6
Number of his sexual partners: unknown
How long have you suffered from retroactive jealousy?
1 year
How did you find out about your boyfriend’s past?
The problem I’m having is before we dated and we had just met he was giving me some incite into his troubled past and that involved his ex-girlfriend who was his first love and first real committed relationship. It sounded like he never wanted their relationship to end.
He made the statement:
“She was my dream girl, from a small town, I’ll love her until the day I die. If she ever needed anything I would be there.”
It meant nothing to me until we started dating. After we started dating I asked him about it and he is denying any feelings for her. We had a whole other issue in our relationship already: He used to be an alcoholic. So within months I was going over in my head if you should stay or leave, so to help me out a bit I reached out to his ex on Facebook. In our exchange she made it obvious he was obsessed with her after the relationship was over and for many months he was reaching out to her. So with his own words and then hers along with my own interpretation and analysis of the situation I just became a firm believer that he is still in love with his ex and I am just a girl to help him get over the loss and hurt.
Have you talked to him about your retroactive jealousy and if so what happens?
Yes, it began as a casual discussion that has now turned into many angry fights. He shows patience and pretty much says the same thing over and over that he doesn’t want her anymore. Does not have love for her. His heart is completely mine. But all I want is the truth and he knows the truth is all that matters to me. It is something I need and I rage only because I don’t believe I am getting the truth and I feel I am just being used.
Tell us what exactly you’re jealous about in his past?
What gets to me really is that I feel he is the love of my life. He is the man I imagine a future with. There has never been another person I have wanted to be with forever. I’m giving my best to him and I have waited to want to do this for someone. But his first love was a relationship he didn’t end himself and they lived together and had a whole life set up together. They had a bond in their little home. Working and living. How would any young man be able to let that go?
What bugs you the most about your boyfriend’s past?
My man has told me he never got into anything serious until her. He was 17-18 straight out of high school. First love, first commitment. Throughout the years he could have had a girlfriend or 2 or could have continued to play the field but instead he meets one girl that he decided she was all he needed. This girl got him to commit and build a home together. He didn’t seem to care about girls and relationship but she came into his life and he let her have him just like that. It would be different to me if he was with many girls in fact I don’t care too much about other girls before her or after her because he wasn’t serious about them.
Have you ever snooped through his personal belongings off or online?
Hell yes. He knows. It’s not a secret. He can look through mine too.
Is your boyfriend still in contact with his ex?
No he isn’t in contact with any girls he ever had anything with before but before he met me he supposedly called her accidentally and ended up asking if he could call her sometime. She shut him down. So to me that is the only reason why he isn’t in touch with her because she made it that way.
Have you met your boyfriend’s ex and if so what happened?
Have not. I want to. I want so badly for all of us to cross paths because I have to see for myself how he will react. I just need answers.
If you could get one image out of your head regarding your boyfriend’s past, what would it be?
Not something I can actually see but it’s the thought of their bond. 4 year bond. 4 years of conversation, intimacy, familiarity, road trips, holiday/family gatherings, gift exchanges, 4 years of “I love you”, all the love, laughter, tears, difficulties shared together and joy. The very first girl to get him to say those 3 words. Everything they know about one another. Maybe little secrets. Maybe some similarities they share that might stand out to him that he can’t find in me. Maybe she’s a very special, different, unique kind of girl that can’t be forgotten no matter what I might bring to the table so his love won’t ever diminish or fade and I would never get him 100%.
Is there anything else you’d like to share? Fire away!
I have a hard time with his past because he doesn’t make me feel loved and valued and special in the present and throughout the year we’ve been together. He has been sober btw since I moved in and quit cigarettes. So he’s doing good for himself, but he’s not putting in much effort into our relationship. He’s full of words and claims but little action. I have treated him better put aside the fighting about his ex. I love him better. I love him more. All I’m asking is to be loved the same in return. I know if I can’t have that I’ll have to love me for the both of us and leave.
Feel like getting your retroactive jealousy off your chest? Great! Share your story here.
