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Getting Over Girlfriend's Past Lovers

The Ultimate How-To Guide

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by Jeff Billings in Retroactive Jealousy Blog
February 27, 2017
GETTING OVER GIRLFRIEND’S PAST LOVERS

Getting over girlfriend’s past lovers getting you down? Not so long ago I used to spend every day of my life obsessing over how to get over my girlfriend’s past, just like you… 

This meant playing “mini-movies” of her having sex with one of her five “friends-with-benefits” over and over in my head.

Positions. Places. Duration. Times. Type. Length. Size…

You name it, I thought about it. Every. Single. Day.

So trust me, I know just how hard it can be to learn how to get over your girlfriend’s past lovers.

While many men get a little jealous sometimes of their girlfriend’s sexual past, to obsess over it is another ballgame entirely.

And that ballgame’s called retroactive jealousy. (Sometimes known as retrospective jealousy or retrograde jealousy.)

If you’re feeling anything like I used to, retroactive jealousy is making getting over girlfriend’s past lovers very, very confusing.

Overwhelmingly, what you need is some clarity to try and figure out what’s going on in your mind and why learning how to get over your girlfriend’s past lovers so difficult.

And helping you achieve this is what I’m going to tackle in this post:

  • the confusion involved with getting over girlfriend’s past lovers
  • the key emotion that means you can’t get over girlfriend’s past
  • what you’re doing wrong while getting over girlfriend’s past lovers

(A small caveat: this post is aimed at men struggling with overcoming retroactive jealousy of their girlfriend’s sexual past, rather than who they once dated or were in love with. While many of the thoughts and emotions cross over between the two forms of retroactive jealousy, this post is primarily aimed at guys who can’t handle the thought of their girlfriend’s “promiscuous” past.)

Getting Over Girlfriend’s Past Lovers Leaving You Confused and Bewildered?

GETTING OVER GIRLFRIEND’S PAST

In your rational, conscious mind, you know that:

  • the past is meaningless and no longer exists
  • your girlfriend’s sexual history doesn’t mean a thing
  • she loves you because she tries to reassure you of the fact all the time
  • she has zero interest in that guy (or those guys) from her past
  • the sex is better with you than it ever was in her past.

And yet… you’re still obsessed with it.

Which means getting over girlfriend’s past lovers still feels like a major struggle because your obsessive thoughts are still making you take compulsive actions:

  • snooping through her private belongings.
  • dwelling on specific incidents in her past
  • playing “mini-movies” over and over in your mind
  • trawling the Internet looking for answers
  • making snide remarks and starting arguments
  • quizzing her about her past and making her feel bad

This is because your rational, conscious mind is being short-circuited by your irrational, unconscious mind.

It’s this conflict between your rational mind and your irrational mind that’s making getting over girlfriend’s past lovers so hard.

Your rational mind is telling you it’s crazy to be hung up on your girlfriend’s sexual history:

“You’re acting like she’s cheated on you, but you didn’t even know her back then!”

“She’s an adult and free to do whatever she wanted with whoever she wanted!”

“Stop being a hypocrite! You’ve slept with way more people than she has.”

“This isn’t the 1950s! Times have changed.”

“Grow up and stop being such a wuss!”

GETTING OVER GIRLFRIEND’S PAST

But your irrational mind is winning the argument:

“The past is gone but that’s not the point. It’s what she did in the past that bothers me.”

“Why did she have to do that? A ‘good girl’ wouldn’t have done it.”

“How am I supposed to get the image of her doing that out my head?”

“Do I really want to be with a girl who slept with three guys in one weekend?”

“If his penis was bigger than mine, then the sex must have been better.”

In other words, your rational and irrational mind are locked in a war of words and this is what’s causing much of your confusion.

In turn, this confusion is fueling your retroactive jealousy and making getting over girlfriend’s past lovers that much harder.

Do you even know what you’re feeling?

Is it actually jealousy, or something else?

You hate her past, but why?

You know she loves you so why do you still feel so insecure?

So, let’s nail down how exactly getting over girlfriend’s past lovers and sex life can be made easier by attempting to clarify some of what you’re feeling.

Getting Over Girlfriend’s Past: “The Wrong Kind Of Sex”

GETTING OVER GIRLFRIEND’S PAST LOVERS

Firstly, let’s clear up one important point: it’s not the thought that your girlfriend had sex in the past that’s the problem.

It’s the thought that they had casual sex in the past that’s tearing you up.

There’s a subtle but immense difference between the two that’s important to understand.

When I was struggling to learn how to get over my girlfriend’s past, I found it helpful to visualize the following two scenarios:

Scenario A

Imagine your girlfriend had sex with her ex-boyfriend fifteen times in one month.

Take a moment to think about the situation and then ask yourself, Does this bother me?

Scenario B

Now imagine she had sex five times in one month, but with three different guys.

My guess is that Scenario B brought on feelings of retroactive jealousy whereas Scenario A didn’t.

For sufferers of retrospective jealousy, knowing that a girlfriend once enjoyed casual sex with three guys in a month is a million times worse than knowing that she had more sex with one guy within a committed relationship.

What does this have to do with the fact you can’t get over girlfriend’s past?

The key phrase here is “within a committed relationship.”

This is because it’s not the sex itself that’s the problem, it’s the context.

In Scenario A, it’s perfectly “normal” for a woman to have sex with her boyfriend.

It’s expected because it’s within the context of being in a secure relationship.

In this case, she represents someone who’s loyal, faithful and simply enjoying a part of being in a healthy relationship.

In Scenario B, on the other hand, the sex has been taken out of context.

It’s gone from being “safe” and “normal” within a committed relationship to being casual, haphazard and subversive.

GETTING OVER GIRLFRIEND’S PAST LOVERS

This is the key reason why getting over girlfriend’s past lovers is so hard.

By having casual sex outside of a secure relationship, your girlfriend is currently represented in your mind as someone who’s not faithful or interested in commitment.

Instead, she appears only interested in having fun and sex for sex’s sake.

The act of sex itself is cheapened and reduced to just a “dirty encounter” without the love and commitment you’re currently seeking with her.

The irrational brain’s reasoning is this:

“If women are supposed to be less interested in sex and not so willing to just do it with anyone, then why did she do just that?”

And in creep doubts that you should be with her in the first place…

In a way, all this thinking, analyzing, trawling over the details and wondering how to get over your girlfriend’s past is your mind’s way of working out if she’s right for you.

The Key Emotion That’s Making Getting Over Girlfriend’s Past Lovers So Hard

GETTING OVER GIRLFRIEND’S PAST

A large part of why you can’t get over girlfriend’s past lovers is because of fear.

At its core, retroactive jealousy — just like all forms of OCD — is about fear, or more likely, a combination of fears:

  • fear that she’ll have sex with another man
  • fear that she’ll leave you for another man
  • fear that her past lovers were better than you
  • fear that you’re not good enough for her
  • fear that you’re with the wrong person
  • fear that other people are laughing at you
  • fear that she still holds a soft spot for her ex-lovers
  • fear that her ex-lovers still hold a soft spot for her

Examining and getting over these fears will help you get over retroactive jealousy, but the question is how do you do this?

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself if the reason you’re fearful is because you lack confidence in yourself.

You may feel that, on the whole, you’re a pretty confident guy, but take a second look.

While you may be super confident at work or with your friends, have a think specifically about how confident you are about your relationship.

  • How certain are you that she won’t cheat on you?
  • Or that you’re the best lover she’s ever had?
  • Or that she’ll never leave you for another man?

Deep down, are your fears and therefore your jealousies and judgments, being fueled by insecurity?

Do you feel that while she may tell you she loves you and would never cheat on you, you can’t 100% believe her?

Or that while she says she doesn’t give a hoot anymore about those guys in the past, you feel that secretly she does?

The problem here is that fear (and therefore retroactive jealousy OCD) feeds off this kind of doubt.

And you’re fueling it by seeking certainties within the relationship that can never be given.

This means it’s important to learn how to become much more at home with uncertainty and not knowing what’s going to happen in the future:

  • what was the best sex she ever had?
  • how many guys has she slept with?
  • will she stay faithful forever?
  • will she stay with me forever?
  • does she think that guy was better looking than me?
  • did she prefer having sex with him over me?
  • did she ever perform [insert sex act] on him?
  • is she the best match for me?

While it’s only natural to want to be certain of the answers to these kinds of questions, they’re only serving to keep getting over girlfriend’s past lovers out of reach.

What you need to do is learn to let go of your fears and just trust that whatever happens will happen anyway.

You can’t control the future and so there’s no point in trying.

Remember that fear is just a manufactured emotion in the brain to help keep you from harm.

But, in this case, it’s not helping you at all.

It’s taken a point in history and turned it into a big debate in your brain over whether she’s the girl for you.

The thing is, if you love her and she loves you then there really is nothing else left to do than just let her past go.

Getting Over Your Girlfriend’s Past: The Solution

GETTING OVER GIRLFRIEND’S PAST

You need to act, though, while overcoming retroactive jealousy, otherwise it won’t go anywhere.

The timeframe of her sexual experiences don’t matter, and neither does how long ago they took place.

They could have happened ten weeks ago, ten months ago, or even ten years ago — the pain remains the same.

It won’t budge because the mind has latched on to certain images and nuggets of information that it now “feeds off” in order to keep you trapped in a constant state of anxiety.

I know this because when I was trying to learn how to get over my girlfriend’s past, the pain didn’t go away, despite the fact her past grew ever more distant in the past.

The reason why getting over girlfriend’s past lovers is so difficult is that the thoughts and emotions associated with your partner being intimate with another man are so primal.

They hark back to how we’ve been hardwired as men since the dawn of time and part of this hardwiring involved protecting us from physical or emotional danger.

And this is where the fear comes from: a primeval part of the brain that’s only trying to protect you.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel…

GETTING OVER GIRLFRIEND’S PASTHowever long you’ve been wondering how to get over your girlfriend’s past, always remember it’s not impossible.

No doubt you’re pretty sick of these images involving your girlfriend’s sexual past popping up in your mind 24/7, but you can stop their endless recycling, right now.

Having learned how to get over my girlfriend’s past lovers, I have helped hundreds of people do the same and free their minds from the burden of overthinking about getting over girlfriend’s past.

Take a moment to check out my book. Click the button below to get started learning how relatively simple getting over girlfriend’s past lovers can actually be.

All the best,
Jeff

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Are you struggling with getting over girlfriend’s past lovers? How long have you been plagued by these negative thoughts and emotions? Why do you think you can’t get over girlfriend’s past? Let me know in the comments section below!

 

 

10 Comments
  1. Ricky says:

    My now Fiancé has a very promiscuous past. She flagrantly slept with multiple partners sometimes multiple times. She expressed that a lot of her actions were trying to ease an emptiness and pain that she couldn’t remedy and the sex just made it worse but she didn’t know there was something different out there. I know what we have is special and I also know she loves me in a way no one ever could or has. I’m 37 years old and have been married before so this isn’t my first encounter with this kind of jealousy. However this time the consequences could be much more dire as this time it will end up costing me a very special person. It hasn’t helped that she’s been very open with details in an attempt to Make me feel better about her past mistakes not realizing she’s just giving me fuel for my mental Fire. This is one of the reoccurring issues that has plagued me in just about every relationship and I’m terrified that I will reach a breaking point with my Fiancé because no matter how much someone loves you I feel like there is only so much they can take without understanding why your feeling the way you do and assuming that you have a problem with them.

    1. Feel free to email me if you’d like to chat. Jeff

  2. Jay says:

    When I first got with my girl I respect women and I tend to not take it so fast because Ive had bad experiences when taking it too fast with other women. My girl during our second week in our relationship told me to be a man and just take action but than when I do she doesn’t want to have sex…. it’s very confusing for me so now I hold back and than when getting into the business again I hold back but than says “ you’re so much bigger than me you can do whatever you want.” And when I do she goes and yells at me again and says she just wants me to make love to her like I really love her… I thought I was idk what she wants at all and than she goes my past lovers actually listened to me and I said I am listening but I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I feel really awe full now I don’t feel Manly anymore and my ego has gone sooo far down just really depressed I’ve never had any issues like this with anyone else and what’s worst is she’s only 18……. and makes me feel like she’s had a whole bunch more experience than me when I know she hasn’t but that just makes me think she’s had better lovers which brings me ego down even more and not want to do anything that her past lovers did because now I just find it gross….. I can only get images of her having crazy wild sex in my head with other jus and it’s disturbing to me I don’t ever feel like having sex with her again so whenever we do get to business it’s really hard for me to get into it like i feel she wants me to….. idk what to do….. I don’t know if she’s the one for me but she reassured me now that I’m the best and says a bunch of things to bring my ego up but I know it’s all just a bunch of bs lies but I feel bad because I know she’s trying but it’s not really helping at all it makes me feel like I’m being pitied I know she loves me to the end of the world and back and I do as well with her but idk sometimes I feel like I have to get with someone else just to feel right again I went to the strip club and finally got hard again after it being so hard for me after her telling me all that stuff….. and i didn’t even have sex with the stripper and she came really hard on my pants left a mark and everything so idk why I can’t do the same with her it’s just soooo confusing

  3. Hao says:

    Dear Jeff
    Thanks for your words , I feel better now , but I’m still can not accept something about my girlfriend . Omg . Where can I buy your book ? Or maybe could chat with you ? Thank you so much .
    Best regards
    Hao

  4. Jalee says:

    My current girlfriend has only had 3 ex partners but one of them had a huge penis and I haven’t been able to get over it. I just know he did more for her how do I get over it.

    1. Justin brown says:

      Walk away buddy. Not worth the mental pain. Find a girl whose only been with average guys. Ego is a tough thing to deal with. I’m on the big end, and I still struggle. I generally attract sluts, so the competition is fierce.

  5. Joseph says:

    When I met her I thought what a great girl and the fact she was a nerd helped but I soon found out how perverted & overly sexual she was. She masturbates sometime 2 or 3 times a day. We have sex every night and every morning why would you need to do that? She likes taking pictures and has sent them to close guy friends and ex’s I read her FB messages for the past 10 years I’m mortified by what I read. I love her and I want to stop overthinking everything.

  6. Daniel says:

    I found out about year later tha my girl had 4 sexual partners before me. 2 of them are per say close to my friends circle. What killed me the most is that as well as Joseph, I always thought she was very nerdy quiet reserved type of girl.. I went through her phone and found previosu conversations with one of these guys and with her girlfriends talking explicit about her sexual encounters.. as I said, i always thought she was a good girl type but kind of found out how she really thinks and expresses herself.. I have constant images flashing in my head of like the sexual acts she could have possibly done..

  7. Jared says:

    Everything in this article speaks to me and describes perfectly what I’m feeling, I’ve been with my partner for 8 years and I firmly believe that millions of people spend their whole lives looking for what we have, we have 2 beautiful sons and in the last few years the sex has turned to absolute boring crap, then I recently hear details about her past and I’m in a total mental tail spin, the mental pictures are killing me, this whole week has been a blur, I can’t keep living like this.

  8. Anonymous says:

    So I have been with my current girlfriend for about 4 months now, we keep thing very open about our selfs.problem with that is we both reviled very colored pasts. The part that gets to me is the fact that while we were talking she was still messing around frequently while I stopped messing around to chase her. Worst part is she took me to the house of one of the guys so she could get a hat not even 1 1/2 after getting together

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